PANGS FROM THE HEART Is it love or limerence?

EVERYONE has read: how .

people fall in love in. fairy tales. .

o An” unsuspecting “victim” -is - suddenly. struck through. the heart by ‘Cupid’s:arrow. The next person

: ‘they see willbe the one they’ cry ,

over,’ sigh .over, and — so ‘they “think — die over.

~. They are ‘destined to” pine away. : until all their hopes are gone, or, if. ; until: the- ‘person Teturns .

clucky, . their-affection. Sounds ‘silly, doesn’t it? Not to

Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a professor .

of psychology at the. University of

Bridgeport,’ Connecticut,

author’ of Love ‘and Limerence

= (Stein. & Day) who thinks many ‘of

us are: capable of, “falling in love’’

. that way.

- Yet. it’s not ‘really: love. Friends

; might “call ita crush;. _parents may

label. it infatuation. Dr. Tennov has coined it “imerence”.

- Limeérence.~is:

. nothing’ in the world is as ‘impor-

"tant ‘as° that“ one ‘special person:

“You. think about him — or her. all

“the time, even when you ought to

have your mind on work or school..,

“For: the limerent person, the

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a feeling. that .

movies don't exaggerate,’ Dr, Tennov says. ‘‘Every. romantic stery or song somehow rings true.’”?

All this is fine as long as there’s a chance for a happy ending.

But if the person — whom Dr. Tennov calls your limerent object —- rejects you, pain and self- destructive feelings can result.

When limerence leads to unhap- piness, teenagers. in particular can

"be without resources to deal’ with

it, - Although there i is no cure for it, it. does help. to talk to_ someone

* about «it: ““When: you're’ young, -you don’t ‘know that you'll recov-

er,’’,.says Dr. Tennov. ‘‘But,. of ‘course, you do’ — eventually,”’ “Limerence is. human nature, not a character flaw,’’ Dr. Tennov stresses. ‘It can’t be consciously

controlled, and anyone can experi- ~ ence it.’”

By the same token, there is nothing wrong with you: if you've never felt it.

That doesn’t mean

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unromantic — circumstances

you ‘te cold or probably just haven't been right.

However, don’t equate limerence with love. In real love, you're very likely to put the other person’s wishes first.

Limerence, according Tennov, is selfish — you want the the person’s attention, to fulfill your own needs.

People who are limerent tend to define their object of affection in

: their. terms, not as someone really _ ise

This explains why a limerent man might bring you heavy metal secords as a gift when you’d rather. listen to: Bach. If he’s an AC/DC

fan, he’ li fantasize that you are, _

too.

Limezence feeds on uncertainty, and when feelings are reciprocated it usually comes to an end. .

“‘Limerence always requires that |

element of mystery,’’ Dr. Tennov says. “‘Reatistically, though, you wouldn’t want to sustain the rela-

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tionship. You’d want to move on to a closer, more rational relation- ship based on mutual knowledge.”’ Limerence, sometimes, does Jead in this direction. Just as frequent- ly, however, there is no correlation between limerence and love. Someone may truly love you, for example, but not feel you’re the only reason to live or the only one

. whose company he can enjoy.

“The Hollywood idea (of love) was to follow your heart,’’ Dr. Tennov explains. ‘‘Now,. both adults and young people will be able to- make the distinction, so that even when they are in the grip

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-Listen to.the sweet

of limerence, it won’t lead to

self-destructive feelings — or mean.

the end of some other healthy, ongoing telationship.”'

Don't get the idea, though, that’ ‘‘limerence — orf infatuation, or a

crush — is necessarily a negative experience.

It has inspired songs, poetry, books, plays. (Who could be. a

more classically limerent couple:. than Romeo and Juliet?) It also. - provides people with the thrill, ex-. and fun of a roller-..

citement, coaster ride. oo,

Taken ‘in. proper . perspective, it can teach us a lot about love.

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North Shore News