i

August 5.1979 - Sunday News

-

ask hayden stewart

t.

_£ reelance Counsellor Ha yden Stewart may ‘be ‘reached at 261- 6242, for appointments for individual, family or group counselling. His new office in the International Plaza Hotel (Opéti Tuesda: ys only) is for the”. convenience of North 1S hore residents,

“Guestion:: Will you a gives

_ few words that. will con-

~~ Hubby makes ‘social deals’

QUESTION: My | biishand has aie disgusting but seemingly innocent way of making deals with people even if they don’t want deals. I don’t mean business deals. I mean deals and bargains within a social or friendship or love relationship.

He continually makes deals even with me and despite the fact that most of his deals are beneficial and .

' enjoyable, I don’t like them,

just because they ARE deals. I'd like to give you an example or two and ask-you what you think.

‘He says, for instance, “You worked hard on that dinner, so I'll do the dishes.” Or he'll say, “The Smiths had us over the other night, so we ought to invite them to our place.”

and-take _ arrangements proposed to me in this very

intimate: and. giving area of

human relations.

In a love relationship,” I seem unable to accept the idea that one of us. does something FOR the other and then awaits a topper ora pay-off because we have

given something. I want to

feel that we don’t do things in order to rate a return, but simply because we want to give. me

lam far more-interested in the things we do with each other than I am in the things we do FOR each other in order to get repaid.

Do you see what I mean? How can I handle this business of “deals”?

__to their home. With your .

“kids and friends,. ESPECIALLY with © your husband, {even in your physical intimacies) let him

“know you are doing. things.

because you WANT to, but. that you hate the idea-of > doing . things because someone_ thinks you “owe” something. .

tribute. to: the enrichment: ‘of |

my marriage? | STEWART: Why. sure. Here.

- are a few: trust, acceptance,

fun, sexuality, . meditation,

love, _ risk, * flexibility,

growth, enthusiasm, verve,

reality, feelings, s self, ‘health, :

Sr or nr a

Let him know exactly how you feel when you do something for another

person because you are told .

you “owe” it. You probably have the feeling you are just settling a bad debt.’ And settling a bad debt never

. gives you the feeling that you ‘are making a gift of love or

friendship.

You'll need to be very

patient and make sure you do not make ita big fati issue.

. STEWART:—Well,first—of

oe

yom ON aaa ee gg

yar, aes have two:things

Or, to the kids, he says (not quite what I am going to tell you, but here’s what it sounds like to me.) “We've given you board and room for 13 years, so you mow the lawn.” a

The area of relating, in which his bargain-making bothers me the most of all is" in our physical relations. I can’t very well describe an example in this letter, but- I'm sure you will be able to get the idea of how disap- pointed I am to have give-

Forget her pro

Think of yours...

QUESTION: I have a friend who has seemingly become obsessed with the question of health. No matter what the subject of conversation, she soon steers it around to vitamins or exercise or medications or doctors or

some one or other of the .

numerous ailments she has overcome or is about to conquer. Vl say this for her; she has made an enviable improvement in her health, and she is ALWAYS positive about what she has to say.

ay oi

Firat, she Is deadeningly boring and. second, she continuously tries to enlist me in whatever new program she Is into. Some of her friends are avoiding her.now because they have the same two complaints I have. Others in our crowd are

Scared of

QUESTION: 'To my great surprise, I was scared stiff of Skylab. Were you?

STEWART: Not at all. My fears have to do with bigger things. Getting hit by 80 tons of metal doesn’t scare me a bit. I think I would hardly

. nice

= whee, Rew-found .. ae er eet sa OF ‘ormingan-= @ away that is difficult for

all, choose not to get sucked into making deals. That is, don’t allow yourself to permit ‘deals’ in your way of thinking. You will need verbally to translate your husband’s deals into something else in such a way that he will gradually come to understand your attitude: .

Let him know that he has a good idea — that you would LIKE to have the .Smiths over, but that you don’t feel comfy about having them BECAUSE they invited you

joking about her behind her back.

I'm afraid she is going to end up with a very few friends and it's a shame because she really is such a person. Is there anything you think of that I can do to help her with her problem?

STEWART: Let's forget her problem and think of yours. You have a good friend,

you to handle. Simply let her know that while you are delighted over her progess and hopeful that she will continue in it, you are also, al times, worn down by her repeatedly talking about it. Be kind enough to her to let her know that some others of

Skylab

notice tt — if it wore a dead- on hit. No, it’s more im-

portant things that frighten -

me — like perhaps missing a parking ‘Place, or hurting somcone's feclings by giving a flip answer to a question (like yours) that just may be profoundly important to the questioner.

It-will be helpful i ee to: it that in your giving, you ‘are good at taking the initiative in- giving soon enough (before your husband gets it into his head that he’d better encourage you by proposing a deal).

_He might possibly change. But forget about trying to bring about the change in him. Let him propose deals if he needs to, but be sure they are HIS deals and that yoar responses are loving gifts, not pay-offs. It is all up to

you.

her friends seem to be feeling thé same way you do.

Then, why not suggest to her that it would be more fun for you (and probably for her) if she were to share her good news with you about

“once every two or three

weeks, rather than over- emphasizing it as she does. Let her know that she could be a real help to you if she were to put her mind to it.

Let her know that you are,

losin out, Qn

aspectoak he I tet you be good friends "and that you don’t want that trend to continue because it

would be a ‘aye you. Do NOT criticize her new

interest, but rather confess your difficulty in dealing with the manner in which she shares it, and ask her to help you. O.K.?

LEAVING A TRAIL?

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You asked for a few words and there they are. I know, I

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simply j give you, a list. ‘But _why_not go.over-those words- carefuily to see if there are

too many of them-in which ‘you do not rate a. passing .

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