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~

ClO - Sunday News, December 6, 1981

QUESTION: I have been reading your column fairly steadily now for over five years and I've noticed two recurring themes in the answers you give your questioners. Over and over you stress LOVE and GROWING. Those are two very common words and so, of course, they must mean something different to everyone .who uses. them. What do YOU mean by them? I have been exploring

what ‘they mean to me, and.

have benefitted by my search, but I believe.it would be very. helpful, for me anyway, if ‘you would be willing to comment from your own veciewpoint. I

“know you: don’t like giving

definitions and being tied to them, but:that is not what I want. I just want your ideas about LOVE and

GROWING.

Decisions, deci

QUESTION: 1 am a middle- aged housewife living with my husband and our youngest son. I've had this problem for most of my life, but lately it seems to be getting worse and I wonder if you can help me with it. You see I have an unbelievable amount of trouble in making up my mind about things. | am almost helpless when I am in a position where I have to decide something. I want other people to do all the deciding. I think I would rather go out to eat at a place | hate than answer directly if I am asked where I

would like to go! As I see it, there are two quite different § kinds of

decisions 1 have trouble with. First the kind that seems very simple to other people, like what to wear, what to eat or even which chalr will I sit in. Then there's the kind of decision that Is related to a whole lot of pros and cons about things like moving to another house, or which political

@,

STEWART: The thing I try to avoid is being precise and even “scientific” or logical about matters that are not precise or scientific or logical. If you will allow me only to hint in my answers somewhat vaguely, rather than putting forward a “pro- nouncement of truth” (as being a part of the gospel according to Hayden) then I am willing to’share with you on these two vital subjects. I avoid the precise, logical

approach for*twin reasons." * One is that I think it is im.

possible for mé; and the other is that I don’t want my readers to “accept” what I say too easily and thus get cheated out of making discoveries for themselves. Well, here goes. How

would it be if [share a bit

with you about GROWING today, and in the-next issue Ill put a focus on LOVE.

ask hayden stewart

"ae

he

party to support, or whether we should enroll in night- school or play badminton etc., etc. I hem and haw about everything. I think it is getting a lot worse and I wish I could decide (there I go again!) what I should do about it. It took me weeks to decide to write this letter.

STEWART: But you WROTE it! Yours is an energy-draining experience and I am so glad you want to do something about it. Let me give you a_ general suggestion, then two specific ones for you to start prac- tising. The general one is this. When a person is as indecisive as you seem to be there is usually a need to get counselling on how to begin to feel better about yourself and more secure in yourself. Do that.

Meanwhile, start prac- tising paying attention to what you WANT rather than what you SHOULD do or what is expected of you. How do you want it to go?

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What do J mean by GROWING? I see it as an

. unfolding. It is like a rose

bud giving way to its total roseness. With human beings it may well be a sort of process in which we leave behind aspects of our lives that are no longer con- tributory and move into new aspects that are con-

tributory. For. £xample, . “GROWING is moving’ ‘away .

For example, GROWING is moving | away from to ‘timerity” and: scariness'-and fear and.moving toward self- assurance and confidence and security.

It is moving away from addictions and moving toward preferences. It is moving away from feeling

compelled (by self or others).

and toward seeing and experiencing that choice is the life process - not

-

Freelance Counsellor . Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242 for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

What development do you want to spring out of your decision?

And next, start getting used to’ thinking about what decision will make the surest contribution to the kind of person you are becoming. That’s another way of saying that it is useful to have a few “END RESULTS” in mind that you want to bring about in your life. They should be very important to you. End results that have to do with WHO and WHAT you want to become. Then, in making any decision, see to it that it contributes to the end results you want. These end-results are much more than goals; they are the LIFE you want. Respect them and make decisions to contribute to them.

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compulsion. “It is moving away from separatedness into com- fortable and challenging and rewarding relationships; from self-imposed . isolation to warming give-and-take. GROWING includes the process of moving from

useless, paralyzing and habitual inhibitions into freedom to choose.

It ‘is. moving from self- absorption and self- preoccupation into love.

it is‘reading a column like. this and saying to one’s self,

“Well, that’s HIS idea. Now!

will explore my own, ” rather than saying, “He said it, I: ~ guess I'd better swallow it.”

In the next issue, I'll share _ a bit about LOVE and thus‘ give a response to the second request in your letter.

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