4@ - Wednesday, March 25, 1992 - North Shore News

The good news, bad news of life in the Jet Age

THERE IS a theory that the human soul can only travel as fast as a man running. The implications for those of us living in the Jet Age are appalling.

Assuming the soul is bound to continue to try to catch up, the big danger is that, if you get too many jet flights under your belt, it might take that poor soul of yours a lifetime to reconnect with your body and mind.

This would go a Jong way toward explaining the trance-like movement of the hordes shambl- ing through airport terminals.

There is hardly ever any laugh- ter. Just a kind of enormous echo with unintelligible voice-overs feedbacking all over the place.

Every once in a while, in the middle of a terminal, I'll get a sudden attack of emptiness, as though there were indeed a hole inside me where my soul fell out and got left behind.

“*Jet-lag’’ is just too light a term. ‘‘Soul-evisceration’’ is much closer. ‘‘Essence-sucked?’* ‘*Sen- tience diluted?”’

One of the advantages cf this state of not-entirely-being-there is

disorientation.

Terminals tend to look and feel and even smell much the same.

And a lounge in a terminal is a lounge in a terminal is a lounge in a terminal.

I remember once talking to a record company executive in the Los Angeles airport who was car- rying on quite coherently until his third martini, when a look of panic came into his eyes.

“Where am [?”’ he demanded.

He'd been on the sky so much the airport terminals had begun to blur, like the jets themselves, like the trips, like the mectings.

He really couldn’ figure out which city he was in. Poor bug- ger. There wasn’t much I could do for him. | had to catch my plane.

But I remember thinking, that's what a guy with no soul would probably look like. I supposed it had something to do with being a record company executive in L.A., but now that I am older and more cumulatively jet-scrambled, i begin to fear that it is flying itself, not just deal-making in Califor- nia, that rots you from within, or at least leaves you somewhat daz- ed.

I offer this true tale of terminal confusion as an example:

Having returned to Toronto from Vancouver on a Sunday night flight, it was just three days iater, and I was scheduled to g ve a lecture somewhere in Ontaric:.

~ At the very least — never ro.nd stuff about souls — doctors wi'l tell you it takes a day for ywur body to readjust for every time- zone you cross. I was therefore just getting physically balanced again when I raced out in my car from the downtown core toward the Pearson airport, only to get hopelessly lost in deepest, darkest Mississauga.

It turned out that my map was missing from the glove compart- ment, so I had to phone my wife on the cellular and get her to study a map at home.

It was kind of fun, shouting street names into the phone until she tracked me down and started the considerable task of talking me, like a blind pilot, out of the suburban maze.

I made it to the airport with minutes to spare, only to find myself being directed entc a tur- bo-prop bound for Kingston. Kingston? I thought } was giving a lecture in St. Catharines.

This caused me ta discom- bobulate somewhat, unti} a fast- thinking stewardess managed to

/

Bob Hunter

STRICT LY PERSONAL

calm me down with the assurance that everything looked as though it had been very professionally ar- ranged, and my best bet was just to go where the ticket said I should go, and things would probably work out OK.

That's what I needed. A little motherly guidance.

In Kingston, thank goodness, there were a couple of people waiting to pick me up.

I was whisked off to an . auditorium where I told a roomful of students that their generation was doomed to spend its life in bunkers, they applauded, we all went out and drank beer, and the next thing | knew it was 7 a.m., and I was back at the Little Kingston airport being probed by a metal detector one more time.

Three-quarters of an hour later, I was back in Terminal 3, wander- ing about on Level 4 of the park- ing fot.

Alas, after mach cursing and moaning, I realized it wasn’t enough to have memorized the floor and section, the place was color-coded as well, and | was parked in the grevn zone, not the blue zone, thank you very much.

My wife had asked me to stop in at Terminal 2 to pick up a bag left kehind when the family returned from Vancouver the weekend before, but | was too groggy and missed the Terminal 2 turn-off.

When I got home, my wife czme up with a terrific plan. Since we were supposed to go to a party that nightswe’d book a room in a totel near the airport so we could scoop the bag in the morning, saving a special trip across town.

At the same time, we'd fulfil part of a deal to use a certain car rental company and a certain hotel chain to triple the mileage points we were earning by flying with a certain airline.

All very logical. What did it matter that my soul was back there loping across the Prairies, thousands of miles away, trying to catch up with my jet-lagged brain, and my body clock was just gear- ing into Kingston time, let alone having re-synchronized with Toronto? I'd get a night’s sleep.

Nope. A wall-heater in the hotel room keep clunking on for 30 seconds every five minutes, no matter what button I pressed. It continued to make horrible rattl- ing noises until dawn, when | couldn’t take it any more, and we packed and left the hotel.

The good news is that we got our mileage points and caa take a free jet ride now.

The bad news is that we got our mileage points and can take a free jet ride... TS

NOTICE TO MOTORISTS LIONS GATE BRIDGE SINGLE LANE TRAFFIC

The Ministry of Transportation and Highways announces that there will be Single Lane Traffic and Single Lane Alternating Traffic on the Lions Gate Bridge from Sunday March 22 to Wednesday April 15, 1992. Single lane traffic is needed to replace the stringers on the bridge and will be in effect as follows.

Single Lane Alternating Traffic 11:30 PM. — 5:30 A.M. (March 22-26 and April 6-15) 12:00 Midnight Saturday - 11:00 A.M. Sunday (March 28/29, April 4/5)

Single Lane Traffic (Single Lane Traffic in Both Directions) 8:00 PM. — 6:00 A.M. (March 29-April 5)

Motorists should expect delays or pian to use an alternate route.

For further information, please call the Ministry of Transportation and Highways 24-Hour Road Report at 525-4997 (Greater Vancouver); 938-4997 (Whistler): 855-4997 (Abbotsford); 380-4997 (Greater Victoria); 371-4997 (Kamloops); 860-4997 (Kelowna); *4997 (BC Cellular and Cantel). In all other areas,

please call 1-800-663-4997.

Province of Britiah Columbia

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Minletry of Transportation and Highways.

BIGGEST EVER’ 9 DAY AUCTION

IN THE HISTORY OF VANCOUVER!

Following the "Ciase-Out Madness” Sale

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DO NOT MISS OUT ON THIS GREATEST EVER OPPORTUNITY!

BE THERE! and BRING YOUR FRIENDS, TOO!

LAST

5 pays DATES VIEWING AUCTION WED. March 25 5 p.m. 7 p.m, THURS. March 26 5 p.m. 7pm. FRI. March 27 5p.m. 7 p.m. SAT. March 28 11am. 1 p.m. SUN. March 29 VW am. 1pm.