NOT LONG after the sun comes up each morning, while weary commuters aim in the direction of their offices, a modern-day army is poised to ambush the workplace. This army has two divisions: artillery and infantry.

The foot soldiers invade the business premises. Thrusting for- ward with a disarming smile and a carefully scripted message, these well-groomed young people ap- pear to be armed only with a file portfolio and a business card.

The business card serves as the regimental colors: Xerox, Benn- dorf-Verster, Prime Copy, Minolta, Pitney Bowes and a variety of office supply services. These are the Fuller Brush salesmen of the modern era.

No encyclopedia offer was ever so unintellectual; no Jehovah's Witness inessenger ever had so lit- tle of substance to purvey. On they come, selling books, paint- ings, sandwiches and stationery.

But this is the infantry. The ar- tillery booms away from the dis- tant hills. They dispatch an endiess barrage of unwanted faxes, worthless junk mail (let’s solve the recycling problem: STOP CYCLING DRIVEL!) and, with lethal determination, machine-gun bursts of idiotic telephone calls.

If we were to award a prize to the greatest pain in the ass, it would assuredly be Unitel. No human beings work for this entity: just voices over the phone, and reams of paper pumping out of a fax machine.

If they have any people with faces, we suspect they spend all their time at CRTC meetings defaming BC Tel and similar utilities.

The phone conversation starts like this: ‘Good afternoon, Mr. B, etc. etc.,”” and after that open- ing salvo, we get the big question: “Do you ever make long distance phone calls?”

There is a variation to this stimulating theme: it asks, ‘‘Do you ever send faxes by long distance?”

After advising that 1 only call Mother at Christmas, they pleas- antly disconnect. This leaves my caller sufficient time to harass a few. hundred more people before the business day comes to an end.

Unitel has been so successful in

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my case, that I’ve plastered my office door with logos from BC Tel, BC Cellular, BTE, Bell Canada, Teleglobe Canada, AT&T, GT&E and any other monopolists I can find.

Likely the most disturbing inva- sion of business premises comes from the charitable solicitations.

Municipalities have rules gov- erning the licensing of door-to- door canvassers. We doubt that much, if any, scrutiny goes on in- to the commercial companies that set up phone banks. Some of these use totally automated equipment.

They call for every conceivable cause, and they all sound worthy.

Police friends teli me that some of these are clearly crooked. Money never gets to the charity.

A frequent pitch is to self an advertisement for a school pro- ject, a sports team, a theatre group or some other activity. The subscriber never sees the ad.

Even the honest operations that use professional fundraisers seriously undermine the credibility of all charity. When you give a dollar for a worthy cause, it is disturbing to think that ‘half or

more goes to a commercial agen- cy.

Organizations such as the Board of Trade proudly announce that one of the ‘‘benefits’’ of member- ship is to be listed in the annual roster. It’s rather like boasting that a fringe benefit of romance is herpes.

The Board of Trade annual roster, and similar volumes, become a gigantic collection of dart boards. Today’s ad is tomor- row’s target.

We think the board should spend more time keeping names out of the roster. This would be a better incentive.

We must compliment the owners of the office equipment houses. We assume they recruit attractive young staff for little or no salary, enticing with the incen- tive of commission. At little cost, they employ an army of spies.

Each office invasion involves a cursory summary of equipment spotted. They note, for example, that good old Harry has a first- class fax machine, but a Dark Ages photocopier. Business cards are exchanged (it seems painiess at the time, guaranteeing a blizzard of future junk mail).

Imagine any other industry do- ing this. If you are an advertising agent just pop over to the White Spot head office and wander from desk to desk.

Ask them what agency they use. Ask to see the work in progress. Dutifully copy all of this. Now you are in a better position to bid for the White Spot account.

- It gets even more amusing. Perhaps you supply draughtmen’s tools to construction companies. Make the same inspection of a

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The new trench warfare: office supplies

prospect's blueprint room. Record details of projects in progress.

Now go visit the competitor. My guess is that they would rather buy your information than your product.

We see the latest Xerox, Prime Copy and Benndorf-Verster repre- sentative with considerable fre- quency. We don’t get visited quite so often by Minolta and Pitney Bowes, the reason being that we have their equipment. My guess is they are afraid of being pounced upon with complaints.

All these firms represent out- standing equipment. Their service is superb. It’s the sales efforts that infuriate.

Readers who spend little time in offices will not identify with this modern-day problem. Every sec- retary and receptionist, every small businessman and every pro- fessional reading this will echo the frustration.

The unwanted sales people who wander cheerfully through cffice

Paige Larson

buildings have become a public menace. We find it impossible to imagine anyone so foolish as to make a major purchase in this manner.

There is not much in the field of office equipment that doesn’t cost $1,000 or more.

It is fun to shop for the cheaper appliances: Costco, London Drugs, Future Shop and similar outlets.

It is interesting to study com- petitive bids for the more advanc- ed items. The demonstrations can be quite educational and enter- taining.

(Salesmen please note: I don’t want any fun demonstrations this week!)

But, back to our own problem. We thought a friend’s suggestion had promise. We posted an out- door sign: ‘‘BANNERMAN OF- FICE EQUIPMENT AND SER- VICES — SALES DIVISION.”

Unfortunately, all the same charming young people trooped through the door. This time they were looking for a job.

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