Lifestyles __ COMMUNITY COLLEGE PROTOCOL

impersonal invitation is offensive to wife

DEAR MISS MANNERS — I am the wife of a professor at a small but well-known community coilege. My husband has been teaching at this school for more than two decades now. We have been married 13 years — it is a first marriage for

us both.

For most of our married life, invitations from the institution have been addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe or John and Jane Doe or sometimes Professor and Mrs. John Doe.

by Judith Martin’

_. But recently all our invitations . have been sent to Mr. Jobn Doe and Guest.

“At first, we thought this was a mistake. When my husband in- quired, he was told that all invita- tions were so addressed.

- 1} suppose the college officials feel they are being tactful, since it

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is true that there are many single, separated and divorced faculty members, But is there to be no ac- knowledgement of stable marriage anymore?

Also, a faculty spouse used to be accorded some dignity, prestige and respect. Suddenly we co longer exist.

I am afraid that I have taken this new address as an insult to me and my husband. At an institution where he has worked so long and contributed so much, and which does not have a very large faculty, shouldn't they take the time to find out if the marriage is on or off?

For instance, couldn't they have sent a note asking each teacher what he would prefer? Do you think the president of the institu- tion and his wife would accept an invitation to President So-and-so and Guest?

Before declaring herself on your side, ‘which she fully intends to do, Miss Manners is forced to point out that

the thinking that. had led to this

unfortunate solution has <rept into your own attitude.

“It is a first marriage for us both,” you write. A first mar- riage? Time was when people talk- ed simply of being married, with the assumption that it was an only marriage for each, unless stated otherwise.

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But, as we know, times have changed. Institutions and in- dividuals have grown weary of try- ing to keep up with marriages, divorces and all the possible states in between. Your idea of the col- lege’s inquiring periodically whether people’s marriages are on or off is, if anything, more offen- sive than the solution they reached.

What should be done instead is to send out a questionnaire at the beginning of the school year, when addresses and other information are being compiled anyway, asking how each professor wants his or her social invitations addressed. Should a person’s marital status change during the school year, that person would have no right to complain about being misaddress- ed if he had not notified the cen- tral record-keeper of the change.

Hebe BREAK

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