42 - Sunday, May 25, 1986 ~ North Shore News

Revealing family skeletons can be avoided...with care

DEAR MISS Manners — A question often asked by ac- making the mistake of answering

quaintances — a simple, friendly inquiry, asked out of more than was asked. well-meant curiosity — invariably throws me. And, in-

variably, my answer throws the questioner.

by Judith Martin

tt is: “Do you have any brothers or sisters?"’

- The ‘straightforward: answer. is, “Yes, an. older sister and a younger brother, who died a few years ago.’’. If they want to know more, and they often do, miy sister is a. patient at a state mental hospital: near my parents’ house, and my brother committed suicide:

“This is, of course, shocking and .

tragic — to no one more than to

me-and my parents. But it is also” more than T.want.to tell acquain-.

tances — says the managing editor interviewing me over lurch, or the reporter. taking me around to meet the ‘cops on my beat.

it is‘ also, clearly, a far more devastating answer. than they bargained for. The reporter quick- ly changed the subject,. apologiz- ing, -and.-the managing editor wondered : myself. — about. my own sanity, in other words. Wo, and it’s none of his business.) ”

Another.: "response ‘is for .'the questioner. to start telling me about the mental illness and suicide at- tempts in his or. her own: family, which makes for cocktail or lunch conversations. so.. weighty . and upsetting that my impulse is to leave.

I could say, child,” and sometimes I do, but it

makes-me feel that I am betraying .

my brother and sister to deny their existence, even casually. I could say, ‘‘Yes,’’. and change the sub- ject... without further elaboration,

if, ‘1 worried’ about:

“‘No, I’m an only .

but it’s a pretty transparent move and seems rude.

I could pretend 1 haven't heard them, or spill my drink, or get up and buy some cigarettes, or get something in my eye — I've tried most of these, but I’m a lousy ac- tor and the question can resurface.

Usually, what I do is answer the question — breathing deeply and trying to remain dispassionate — in as much detail as they want, but

* its made for some pretty gloomy

tunches.

I would Jove to know what you would do in my place. There must be a better way to handle this, for myself and the others.

GENTLE READER — Actual- ly, you are doing more than answering .the question. You are

Are you getting your

NEWS . every Wednesday, Friday, & Sunday? .

If. ‘yes', then we're doing our job. If ‘no’ _ we want to know ‘Who you are & where you are sO we can try. to ensure that you get your

if ‘no’, pick up your " phone and cal) us.

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As a fellow journalist, Miss Manners admits that the profes- sion depends upon that common error. If people did not feel oblig- ed to answer questions simply because they were asked, or pour out full stories rather than meeting the minimum requirements of

truth, your professional life would be difficult.

However, it is your personal life you were discussing.

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simple way of handling this pro- blem.

‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?” is a Present tense ques- tion, referring to living siblings. One answer is, ‘tYes, | have a sister; what about you?" An even simpler answer is ‘‘Yes,- without elaboration. If rudely pressed, you merely continue 10 give minimal answers: ‘‘Where does she live?’’ “Near my parents."” ‘“‘What does she do?”’ **She doesn't work.’’

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shame in your family, but a com- mendable, if rare distaste for discussing your family in a business context. The simple, friendly curiosity you describe is inappropriate here — what you voluntarily confide to friends is another matter — and not always innocently meant, as the questions about your own sanity indicate.

Now just don’t go spreading the word that one need not always sat- isfy another's curiosity, or you'll soon be out of business.

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