STRICTLY PERSONAL

THANK GOD, penis size, has never been a problem for me!

I feel sorry for guys for whom

‘itisa problem, but then I think, if it wasn’t a problem for them, it might be a problem for me.

This was, of course, the first thought to cross ny mind when [ read about the doctor in Montreal who figured out an operation to enlarge the penis by 50%.

- When I, jokingly, of course, said to my wife over breakfast, “Hey, maybe { should get that done,” her eyes bulged with ter- tor, and she cried out: ‘‘No, no, please! No bigger! It would ‘kill me!”’

She’s a sweetheart. 1 wished she hadn’t broken out laughing so heartily afterwards, but anyway,

she had the right response down for the record.

Yep. Yessiree, No probiemo,

Hell, what would you do with a bigger thing anyway? You'd just use up more energy carting it around,

You might be in serious trouble one day, and you go Lo run away, but the extra weight you're carry- ing slows you down, and you get killed.

You might get invited to a clan event, and with that extra 50%, ! mean, could you still wear a kilt?

For those of us with back problems — who knows, maybe already caused by that awful male burden, as 1] sonictimes call it — it could be a chiropractic disaster.

You gotta think about those things.

Also, a tot can go wrong ina hospital. 1 don’t even want to start to think about the possibilities,

Why, when I was in hospital last year, on the last morning be- fore { was released, a frantic young nurse rushed into the room, spotted the intravenous dolly, or whatever it’s called, beside my bed, didn’t notice that it was still attached to a catheter, which was still attached to me, grabbed the dolly, and started charging out of the room with it.

I'd just had a 26-stitch opera- tion on my side, was ploughed under on morphine, and still managed to leap eight feet through the air to grab that 1V before the elastic tube began to stretch out.

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f relate this anecdote by way of gently reminding those readers who may not be familiar with the dowaside of having a penis that it's not alla garden of roses.

Dolphins, for instance, have retractable penises which fold safely away inside their turnmies when not in use.

I find this to be clear evidence that man could not possibly have been built in God's image, when there was such an obviously supe- rior model around to work from.

Normally, { try 40 keep this col- umn squeaky clean, but the fact is, penises have been in the news a lot lately,

It wasn't just the doctor in Montreal.

There was the report out of Jolly Olde England that the one- size-fits-all approach to condom manufacturing was causing prob- lems for British males who were too big to fit in properly, and the pesky little things kept popping off. It’s a problem, it’s a prob- lem...

And, of course, there was that woman who cut off her husband's penis after he'd raped her, she said, although the jury didn’t believe the stuff about the rape, and decided she was being a bit extreme in taking things into her own hands like that.

4& She was being a bit extreme taking things into her own hands like that. 99

It was like the ending of the Japanese cross-over movie, In The Realm Of The Senses, which 1 was forced to watch in film school, and which caused me to scream and not feel interested in sex for days.

The coincidence of these devel- opments arising at almost the same time cries out for responsible social commentary.

One of these news events was positive and another was negative.

Well, depends on your view- point, I guess, eh, sister? And the last time | looked, the word “condom” was not in the Cana- dian Press style book. |

The fact that such stuff is being reported at all is a story in itself. Thirty years ago, I’m not sure any of these stories would have seen the light of print, except in court transcripts and medical texts.

At the very least, polite lan- guage would have been used.

Perhaps a tasteful reference to a “husband’s mutilation,” or

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“promising genito-urinary surgery.’’

Now, even in papers with a better breed of pentiemen editors, they just slap it in print. Even on the wire services! There's the word, no quotition marks: penis.

Decent kids might read it and be turned into gibbering hor- mone-crazed teenagers. I’ve seen it happen over less.

All this might be healthy, of course, There's that remote possi- bility.

_T don’t mean that it'll ever be healthy, or sporting, to mutilate anybody. But the fact that such previously ‘‘private’’ matters are openly reported, openly read, and even openly talked about probably indicates, at the very Icast, that we are all much more open. [s that a safe bet?

in defence of the press, it has to be said that we are at least doing

our job, exposing the facts. It’s a lot harder than it looks. Oops...

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