RE TRE UGE TEER RUT an FS TET ES

QUESTION: I am concerned about a type of reaction of my 6-year-old daughter. When

21 ee

Soimcone eise is obviously in pain she laughs or ‘‘shows Signs’’ of pleasure. Is this an emotional response expres- sing itself unorthodoxly, or is she being sadistic? In either case, what can I do to help her? She recently underwent - major surgery for a congeni- tal defect. Could there be a relationship to that?

STEWART: Because of the nature of your question, | read your letter to a pediatrician in whom I have a lot of faith. He said your daughter is making ‘‘an inappropriate response’’ and that most children. make many of them. He ruled out the sadistic idea. He said that any surgery is a jolt to a child (or adult) and that she might be copying the doctors or nurses that were around her during her hurting time and who quite likely smiled,

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get scared’’,

or even tried to joke with her to lighten her heaviness about her pain or fear.

I also, chatted with a well-trained child-care per- son who felt that your child was “‘scared’’ in the pre- sence of suffering and does not want anyone, not ANY- ONE, (including herself) to know she is scared. Like many kids, she has probably been told, ‘Don’t be scared"’, or even, ‘‘Big girls are not scared’’ and so she is doing her inappropriate best to appear unafraid, first to

herself, but also to you.

The long-range answer to your ‘‘what can I do to help her?’’, lies in your develop- ing your ability to encourage her to express her feelings to you without fear of your

_ judging her or labelling her

or putting her down. Rather than, *‘You don’t have to be scared’’, or, ‘‘Big girls don’t why not try

ee 3

QUESTION: Do you ever g sort of

petted wh) J

seems to be going peauti-

et in are

fully? lv’'s happened te me

twice. The first time, al- inougn i had tis vague fear, everything else was so wonderful and i was so happy that I just went ahead and married the guy. Almost right away I was living in Disasterville. Everything was wrong. He was a pure rotter and we were divorced in less than two years. Now comes the second experien- ce. After being alone for three years, I met Vic [not his-

‘real name] and was, once

again deliriously happy. Ab- solutely nothing has gone wrong. We've known each other a year and a half now | and he is wonderful. Yet - if you can believe it - I’ve been so scared of something blowing up in my face!

Even though it is against my usual moral principles, because of my fear, I have consented for us to live together for the last six

IT] ‘ FEnGa|

QUESTION: This letter is to comment on the advice you pave the lady in your ‘“‘Mecows threaten marriage’’ column of May 25th. In my opinion you gave a male- oriented, i.c., biased point of view In your reply... [can see that the space in the paper allotted to you does not allow in-depth analysis, but I think a better job could be done with what is available to you.

STEWART: As you will see, I am able only to print a small part of your well-written and

Where are Diane Pike books to

QUESTION: I am particular-

ly Interested fin the books authored by Diane Pike that

you listed a few weeks ago. Some of available In the book stores. How do I get them?

them are not

le oriented’’

thoughtful comment. (The writer has gone into a careful consideration of my response to the earlier letter~ and has

even suggested how a more valuable reply might have been offered). I have the feeling that my reply was ‘certainly confusing to you, and therefore, quite likely confusing to others. It has made me think, however, and so I am grateful for it. I

have come to see that I felt no bias for or against either the man or woman. in

be found?

STEWART: It is my under-

standing that all of Diane's books will be on display and available for purchase at our Love Project .meeting on

Wednesday, | June = 15th.

Books by Arleen Lorrance

will also be there. That's at

statements like, “Pil bet that

1

- locked in or lied about or

_ THAT to happen again! On

page 15 - June 8, 1977 - North Shore News

frightens you’’, or, ‘‘When I was little, I was so scared

} anresce bees mtn when someone was nurting

and I didn’t know how to help them’’. .

In other words, the long- range possibility of helping her lies in your being willing for her to express ANY feeling to you. Feelings are not *‘good”’ or ‘‘bad’’, they are just feelings. However, they BECOME ‘‘bad’’, or harmful, when they are

denied. So much for iong- range. What about now? Make sure YOU are not making ‘‘inappropriate res- ponses’’ yourself, and give her your honest, loving, unjudging support. She has apparently picked up the idea somewhere that she must not show fear (and perhaps other feelings too). It is your opportunity to let - her pick up from you that feelings are OK.

Summer plans, whether for vacation,

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months so Pll have a good chance to know him and to

possible. To my surprise, | have not felt guilty about the arrangement because he has been SO sweet and because my motives are good. Yet, I have that nagging dread of something going wrong. What will I do?

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STEWART: A lot of your jitteriness could be a result of your marriage experience, of course. You don’t want

the other hand, having been with Vic as much as you have, (without any real reason for being frightened manifesting itself in the relationship), I have the feeling that you are into a different sort of opportunity this time. Relax with him for a few months more and if your wariness pesists, seek counselling help. I hope you have been able to talk openly with Vic about your need for - some time. Love him and trust him and have* no expectations, but rather, abundant expectancy. You'll get a clear signal when you need it. ,

question, but that I do have a bias against cats (at least in the numbers of them that the woman wanted to bring into the marriage with her).

I still feel she has a choice (forced on her because of his attitude) her cats or her marriage. And he also has a choice (forced on him by HER attitude) marriage, plus her cats, or no cats and no marriage. While their atti- tudes remain as they are, those are the options. I'm pulling for both of them, together, to find a third option.

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The Plaza International Hotel. I see that your letter is from out of town. If you cannot attend the meeting, the books may be ordered from The Love Project, P.O. Box 7601, San Diego, Cali- fornia, 92107,