“STRICTLY PERSONAL

GENERALLY SPEAKING, I can spot the athletic types in any crowd.

‘They're the ones with the ban- dages, casts and crutches. What _ with crashing down moutainsides, we falling off their bikes, or landing " on their butts on the ice,”

’ Lunderstaad their motivation, even appreciate it'in a theoretical way..And pzaple being in good physical shape probably keeps my taxes down, at least so long as

.. they remain out of hospital.

But excessive physical activity of ~ the sport-oriented variety has a never been my bag.

It might have had something to do with the fact that, as a kid in Winnipeg, Twas obliged to get up at seven inthe morning every Saturday to play hockey.

You have to understand that it might have been 40-below, and we would still have had to play hockey.

As fate would have it, | had poor circulation in my feet, so my toes froze quickly.

Likewise, ] had weak ankles, and | foathed being slammed against the boards and bodychecked.

Naturally, | wound up being the goalie, It turned out I didn't like pucks flying at me ata million miles an hour either.

What | really wanted to do was lie curled up in my bed, reading books.

A bookish kid misses out on the joys of team activities. Somehow, 1 didn’t miss them. ..

But school being school, there were always phys-ed teachers for- cing me to play one game or another.

1 was no good at baseball, from lack of hand-eye coordination. It didn’t help that one day, during a

‘ game, one of the kids in class

dropped dead at third base. | never quite got over that.

If he could drop dead, what guarantee was there that it wouldn’t happen to me?

To this day, 1 maintain a stance

Climbing the Stairmaster to athletic success |

of uncompromising incompetence.

Recently, | got railroaded into playing baseball at a fundraiser, By sheer accident | managed to hit the ball and make it to first base.

When the next batter came up and also hit the ball, f fingered at first for the longest time. not sure that | wanted to risk trying for second.

I have so far not been invited back.

The only baseball game ['ve watched in my entire adult life was the final game of the World Series last year, and then only because | was beginning to worry that my wife, who knows all the names of the players and even what size of jockstraps they wear,

“might run away with a Blue Jay.

Football? Well, being skinny (as well as having lousy coordination, poor circulation and weak: ankles) was a definite disadvantage.

My one glorious moment came during a game when | actually succeeded in tackling the class bully and bringing him down. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the year crunching over me like a tank at every opportunity.

I was tall, so wher. all else fail- ed, I was inducted into the basketball team. Basketball, as we all know, was a Canadian inven- tion, so there was even an element of patriotism involved,

Alas, I couldn’t run, fumbled a lot, couldn’t dribble, and couldn't

| The sound of crunching army boots

Dear Editor: .

oy IE you . listen carefully to. that crunching ‘sound blowing in from he politically correct..winds you

will.. recognize: the sound: of feminist : army boots trampling on

he: heads of anyone who stands in “their way..’°'

“Ef you’ ‘listen , carefully when . “Blizabeth' Aird declares that “only ~ one ‘group of creatures murders

the vast majority of women,”’ you ill. also hear. the shrill. call to arms and the marching drum beat ‘accompanying «the. ever-present ‘crunching army boots. When you hear. Karen Duthie accuse. Trevor -Lautens. ‘of being fearful of social '; change and fearing for: his own loss of privilege you : can .almost » see, if you loox: carefully, : ithe Straining neck muscles, ‘the bulging , eyes, and the clenched fists as the -- femi-Nazis goose-step their’ way - over the opposing views. ' “~ Make no’ mistake about it; ‘to the radical ‘feminists of this town : Jits a war out there. Not a war for gender cquality. No, something quite different. “It’s a war based on anger, bit-

‘and what is right.

‘just society,”

terness, and revenge. | .

Never mind that less than one per cent of one per cent of the female population represents rad- ical feminist views. ;

Never mind that this small, bit- ter group takes it upon themselves to -inform the’ rest of us unenlightened ones what is wrong

Never. mind. that. erecting monuments that ridicule and hu- miliate men only serves io perpet- uate guilt and erode gender rela- tions. '

“* Never you mind. The world will

.soon be in good hands. I have a

vision for a kinder, gentler, more she croaks with trembling lips and clenched fists.

I too have had a vision.

In. a small park, two..women with their son silently look up at a huge monument.

The little boy turns and faces

- his mother and says, ‘tis it true

that there is. really only one creature in the world that murders women, and am I that creature?’’ Looking down at their beloved child, the two women momentarily

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hesitate and ‘then smile knowingly at each other.

One mother finally answers,

*“Do not worry, my son, your in-

herent evil will always be tempered by women’s ‘inherent good...just listen. to. your mothers and everything will be OK.”

The ‘silence of the park is then broken by the sound of crunching army boots.

Craig Binion North Burnaby

Somebody Cares!

Cares if you are new in town and feel kind of fost; If you've just added a new’son or daughter to your family; If HE has finally asked you to become his wife; If you or someone in your family is: celebrating a very special oc- casion...

Cg v/

‘feta Mig.

SINCE 1930 WON

980-0330

vet the ball through the houp to save my life.

Height alone was useless, especially since there were all these other guys competing for the ball,

Thus, my life since school has been a relatively peaceful, sports-free experience, unless you count running with the bulls in Pamplona, which I did once, as a sport, or parachuting, which | also did once, landing badly and fusing the two bottom vertebrae of my spine — which at least had the salutory effect inthe long run of giving me a good chiropractic reason for not taking up jogging.

However, there comes a point in all our lives where, like it or not, we jave to put some effort into “getting in shape,”’ if for no other reason than to stop our hearts from atrophying prematurely.

It was my wife, bless her, who came up with the Perfect Solution. It’s called a Stairmaster,

Stairmaster. The very name conjures images of something out of Dungeons and Dragons, of some sort of kinky S&M domi- nance thing.

The idea was supposed to be that you get the advantages of jogging, but without the shock of your heels pounding on pavement and jarring your spine.

The trick, the beloved one ex- plained, is to have the TV on as you stand there, going up and down on the pedals, so that your

mind doesn't atrophy while you (une up your heart,

I guess she doesn't watch much TY. Talk about an invitation to mind-decay!

Although my day job involves gathering news for a television station, | almost never stare at the idiot box unless we've rented a video.

Since taking up the Stairmaster, I have had to watch possibly hun- dreds of hours of mid-morning programming. Ye gods!

Between the religious programs and the soap operas and talk show freak circuses and kids’ cartoons and music videos, there's not much to stir the frontal lobes, baby. :

Nevertheless, it does distract you from the ennui of riding up and down on an infernal machine, straining your little muscles, Be- tween that and bench presses and situps and stomach crunches, | was Starting to feel kind of, well, you know, almost Sylvester ~ Stallone-like.

That's when | managed to twist an ankle. Yes, on the Stairmaster. 1 believe 1 may be the first person in history to twist an ankle on such a foolproof, essentially benign exercising device. .

So now I’ve got my ankle ail wrapped up in a bandage.

Wow, I must be an athlete,’ after all

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