beck piplataplier forces ; isan awfel thing to do. 1°’ mean ‘where has our sense of. propriety gone? Do you.

think a 10. year old boy

STEWART: “There is “really.

no -blanket answeér.to your question. ; (Woops! ‘I didn’t mean that to be funny.) - Perhaps I should say there is no general: answer that fits all family reunions. So much depends on the two people you are focussing on.

I could imagine one or the.

other of them, or even both of them ‘being terribly upset by the arrangement. On the other hand there is quite a

ee

Freelance ‘Counsellor ‘Hayden Stewart may ‘be poached’ at ‘261-624 for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

° - office in the International Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) is for the

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or "frightened at all, ‘amply | . “Seeing the set-up as an ~

_ appropriate. arrangement, ‘that. fits into the total

‘<number. ‘of: beds _available, -

ete. : ne _ oT *

‘There “is the. added

“possibility that those who are .

“mot one of the potential bed- ‘mates, might be

that. might develop. It seems to me that “with the number who are involved in the reunion, some other plan with fewer possibilities of unhappiness “might be arrived at.

‘Skirt gets

the — initiators of . any - awk--.. + wardness

praise. I suppose most of us. deserve it too. But in my case, not only do I want.it,. need it, and deserve it, but, -

Sudden thetebe: ‘Perhaps

_ you are the 19 year old! If.. you are, and if you feel

uncomfortable about the plan, I would hope you

would make your feelings -

known and request. some

shuffling around that would.

be more appropriate. -.

If- you are NOT the fair

maiden, but feel that several —

of your crowd would be upset by the plan, why not suggest a new deal? If you think you are the ONLY one that feels like you do, keep

_your- mouth shut and “go™ along”. OK?

splits closed so no one knows |

she's got one! She's always

fussing at. holding the skirt

closed. What's with her?

T) think with her- always working away at holding ber

skirt so it can’t - flash. anything, she really attracts

more attention than. the

would if she'd just let it go. Why would she buy the , things in the first piace if she’s so dar fYussy and proper? STEWART: You say she attracts more attention by keeping the- split. from

possibility ‘that. neither of showing. Perhaps she knows

_ them would be embarrassed

that too!

Having to control is messing up his life

QUESTION: I céatribute to spoiling a lot of relationships because of my apparent meed to be “in control.” I can’t stand mot being in control, I used to think I meeded to be in control of MYSELF, bat I om beginning to sce that I also want to be is control of other

This has messed things up for me at home, in my family and also at work and in my social and recreational life. I am only now begtaning to sec what is happening and I'd like some advice on how to deal whh ht. Why do I have this need to be in control?

STEWART: There is no NEED for you to be in control. What bothers you is your DESIRE to be in control and there’s a whale of a difference. Thinking you have a NEED makes it more difficult for you to handle it. When you come to

see that you only WANT to be in control, then you can accept that want as a part of your reality. Once you ACCEPT your reality, you are in a position to change.

Once you admit to your scary desire to be in charge, and see that it is really resulting in unwelcome outcomes in your relationships, then you can make new choices. 1 think one of the most useful in- sights for you will come to you when you sce even more clearly that wanting to be in control works AGAINST what you want for yourself. Seeing that, you may then choose a different route.

Wanting to control works against you, and you admit to that as one of your facts. That puts you in @ position to make a better choice that will be more rewarding for you. Do you have anything agains( giving yourself that enjoyable reward?

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amount of good . honest

also, I am not getting it. At

least 1 am ‘not getting it to:

_ the degree I want it:

steady solid job’ ts to be expected from me and they are getting it, so what? ”.

- “How cai I'get my “family cand my co-workers to see ‘that praise is like a

the arm? How can I get- it across to them that I NEED more support than I am getting? ;

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them to Praise you.

“shot in..

any way you can do that. I . mean there. is no way I know

of by which you. can | n.teach

“In fact, even’ ie. you dig

teach - ‘them " that - - skill;

would “not -be- ‘particularly rewarding: to you because . any. praise you. received

Te regard: to. my. family, : -althougt F-know: itis: Mot. _trae, IF FEEL ‘as if I am just: being. taken for granted. At ‘although: ‘T have made. .

‘a pretty good- ‘in-put of ideas and initiative and: ‘ability,.no ‘wone- seems: to. give a. ‘darn. They just act as though a .

would: make you wonder. if it

were real or if your praisers had. just learned ‘your lesson. well..and :were. doing what you “had - taught ‘regardless of how they . ‘truthfully féelabout you. oor

“I have two suggestions for your consideration, both of which have to do with YOU _

rather than your family or

co-workers.

First off, in view of the

fact ‘that you want more “praise circulating amongst _

human beings, be sure you are one who is doing your. part in bringing

Situation about.

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1457 Lonsdale Avenue, North Vancouver,

them,:

’ that:

° “BE the change you want to see happen by warming up your own “praise-giving.

‘machinery. This’ calls: for ~ . - Some: real - honesty on” “your

. part: ‘Do you give praise. and support to your wife. ‘and

“kids? “Are you one to give. ‘sincere’ credit to your co. workers for their. achieve: .

ments‘ or efforts? Try that.”

.. Secondly, accept as one of . “your facts, that you. are. not:

getting the praise you ‘would like ‘to have, and. probably will not.. So don’t have ANY

expectations of praise and. support. You: may WANT it, . but don’t EXPECT it. Then. what. little support you set:

will be so much gravy!

“Coupled with this idea. ‘is the suggestion that_you take.

up the slack by learning to

give YOURSELF ‘some honest praise. For anything in yourself. you . consider

praiseworthy, give yourself — some friendly pats on the |

back. You are your own best friend, ‘so act like it.

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