32 - Wednesday, December 9, 1987 - North Shore News

Lifestyle:

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erica of heal

Q. | HAVE been divorced from my wife for a year, but although I really need a relationship with sex I can’t form

one.

1 feel too guilty. The divorce was brought on by my wife's hav- ing many affairs with other men, and I felt terribly betrayed and humiliated. I suppose my present inability comes from feeling, irra- tionally, that J am doing just what she did — being unfaithful. I have had a two-month affair with a woman but in the end she dropped me because I made it plain that f felt guilty. 1 couldn’t even orgasm. I have tried counselling to no avail.

by Ruth Westheimer

A. One year is not always long enough to get over feelings such as yours. There is a period of mourn- ing and healing needed and this varies from person to person. I believe that you are a long way from accepting the finality of the divorce. You have not gotten over wanting to keep her, or at least the married status; in short, you have not resolved your feelings about ail that. Until you do, any attempt to

have a new relationship will prob- ably fail because you still feel mar- ried to your former wife.

And you will carry your anger over what happened into any new relationship. It is too much to ex- pect of a love affair that it will make you forget all that. Get counselling and give yourself much more time. Never mind that the counsellor you were seeing didn’t seem to help; no counsellor solves all the problems that are brought to him, but the person in need of help often gets it after trying two or three different counsellors or more.

People write and ask why | recommend this therapy or that, or counselling by social workers or clergy or others trained in the work, The fact is that these pro- fessionals can help people along with their paths to improvement or recovery. They help speed up pro- blem-solving for some people, and they also help redirect people en- tirely, people who probably would never have escaped from their dilemmas without this help. In the present time, not to seek this kind of help is like having a toothache and not going to the dentist.

Q. I have read a number of your columns iz which you give advice to virgins. it has given me com- fort, and also I don’t feel superior to women who have. chosen another road. But I have a persis- tent worry about not being able to function sexually if and when I do hook up with a man.

A. There is too: much worrying about being able to function sex-

“ually before ever trying it. Lots of

people go into sex with a nice partner and do not find it so hard. It is not such a big deal, or doesn’t

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have to be. | advise you to read some of the good books and to have a good idea of what to ex- pect. And | mean to expect some- thing lovely, but not to have com- pletely crazy ideas picked up from Hollywood and TV and other cen- tres of misinformation. Do see the movies and soaps; do read juicy love stories, but please regard these as delicious fantasies. Everybody needs good fantasies.

What you don’t need is the idea that sex is a sure ticket to outer space or that venturing into sex with a loving companion is initially horrible or painful or harder than getting to play the piano in Carnegie Halt. Just keep your head filled with good expectations, learn something about the subject, and don't worry about functioning be- forehand. {f some little difficulty comes up, you and your Jover can deal with it then and that is soon erough. I said lover, but that doesn’t mean that you can’! wait until the honeymoon. A bridegroom is also a lover, { cer- tainly hope.

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Q. IE met a woman in a bar and we made a date for the following evening, but when TF arrived af her place no one came to the door, I gave up on it and went to the bar, where | found her. She said the date had slipped her mind. The sume thing happened with another woman, only FE found her wrapped around another puy. I am a pres- entable 60 years of age, bald, trim, considerate. Why do women treat a guy like me like that?

A. I think you have to try your luck somewhere besides bars. Dates made in bars are often forgotten the next day because people in bars tend to be drunk at night and fuzzy the next day. And an idea that seemed preat when a person is drunk almost always seems less great in the morning. Try some social setting (a dance group, comera club, theatre club, etc.) where the main interest shared is something besides drink- ing and picking up.

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