10 ~ Friday, December 27, 1996 — North Shore News

ome bold predictions for the coming year

By Steve Burgess Contributing Writer

NOT everyone has the courage to make bold predictions for the coming year. I, howev- er, have complete confi- dence that every predic- tion I make will prove to be 100% forgotten within three hours.

Here, then, are my fore- casts for 1997. Most of them are exactly the same as last year’s, just as you remem- bered them unti! approxi- mately 364 % days ago.

North Shore residents will be pleased in the new year when all parties will finally agree to a plan of action regarding the future of the First Narrows crossing: a law making it illegal to cross

Lions Gate bridge without a life preserver.

Undaunted by his defeat at the hands of the film industry, North Vancouver District Councillor Ernie Crist will launch a campaign to ban all agricultural activity within the district.

“People are just too darn fat,” he will say.

WV tree display dampened Christmas

Dear Editor: Rae!

I have found a place to hegre mourn. You know, that sad and angry feeling that overtakes us at this time of year as we rush frantically about realizing that once again our commercial imaye-makers have hijacked and degraded those wonderful feelings and experiences that once underpinned our celebra- tion of Christmas.

Take a stroll down to Dundarave beach. Wander among, the forest of dead Christmas trees erected by our North Shore merchants.

I don’t mean dead because they have been cut, but killed by the trash that has been piled upon them. Coke cans, busi- ness cards, beer bottles and advertising material of all kinds; and crowning one, in the position I seem to recall a star should have been, a large can of President’s choice cookies dragged the tree’s head down in shame.

lo doubt there were some creative and more appropri- ate efforts but 1 could not bear to stay to find out.

As I was leaving, I spied a iree that stood out from all the rest, whose beauty took my breath away. There it stood, naked and glorious, not a gaudy red bow in sight, its won- derful branches thankfully neglected by the business assigned to it, and glowing with joy.

Maybe we would benefit by neglecting Christmas a little, and allowing its gentle charm to win us over again. Perhaps we too would begin to glow again with joy.

In any event, it was with a sense of relief that I felt one of the nails case slightly out of Yuletide’s coffin.

Colin Righton North Vancouver

spirit

LIGHT J AZZ THURS NIGHTS Semi R d Hours

mon-sat

7pm-2Zam

sundays Tpm-orid,

" THE NEUROTICS" FRI. & SAT. 10PM__ .

More funding trouble will dog the CBC, and various programs will handle the budget problems in their awn ways. For the right price, Marketplace will endorse flammable children’s wear. Rita and Friends will become Rita and Fair-

Weather Friends, and a4 eventually just Rita. The National will begin airing re-runs. Finally, the CBC will stick an “I” in front of its name, and demand a rate increase.

Meanwhile, the real ICBC will hatch a fund- ing scheme of its own. Sensing the premicr’s enthu- siasm for gambling, the provincial insurance corpora- tion will propose to make official what British Columbians have always believed anyway: that auto insurance is a big roulette ganie. You pay your moncy, the wheels spin, and if you land on a Hyundai, you're wiped out. But if a Mercedes lands on you, jackpot. Just

remember to yell “whiplash” instead of “Bingo!”

Also, in accordance with Dan Miller’s plan to intro- duce British Columbians to “Monte Carlo-style gam- bling,” seat belts will be made optional, while tuxedos

... Ernie Crist will launch a campaign to ban all agricultural activity within

the district. ”

become mandatory.

Vancouver’s Indy race will scramble to replace sponsor- ship money, lost when the new federal tobacco advertis- ing laws come into effect. Someone will suggest a razor company, but the idea will be nixed. According to Molson Indy officials, “Shaving and driving don’t mix.”

Bereft of cigarette money, the Symphony of Fire will also seek a new patron with the same characteristics of

their former benefactor.

Eventually, they will sertle on a new sponsor: a breakfast cereal made from broken glass. A major scrap will break out at the Academy Awards, as Beavis and Butthead will be vaporized by Buzz Lightyear. tt happens just after the stars of Bearts and Butthead Do America accept their joint Oscar for Best Actor with emotion- al speeches, pro- claiming, “Thank you ail, you are truly the beautiful people. We feel so ... validated. Our mentor, Laurence Olivier — Larry, as we called him — is smiling somewhere right now. In conclusion, if we may quote Sally Field...”

At this point, the duo’s cartoon rival opens fire. An unrepentant Lightyear later says, “dnfinity and beyond? Not after I charm the pants off the parole board. My lawyer says Pl fly outta here in 18 months, tops.”

In other corrections news,

the recent beating of Paul Bernardo in Kingston Penitentiary will prompt a massive groundswell of out- rage from the public. There will be calls for greater pro- tection of this nation’s mur- derous psychopaths behind bars. “Stop it with the cook- ies and sympathy cards, already,” Bernardo will be forced to exclaim.

By December °97, the province will be looking back on a very eventiul year. Particularly stunning will be the series of events that, everyone agrees, constitute the mest amazing political comeback of all ame. How did it happen, reporters will ask?

“Hey,” Premier Sihota will reply, “I made a few calis.”

~— The North Shore News believes strongly in freedom of speech and the right of all sides in a Achate to be heard. The columnists published in the News present differing points of view, but those views are not necessarily those of the newspa- per itself.

STOREWIDE SPECIALS

SERIES

As Low As

CANS 5 g*

aMonth* 2

NordicTrack Upper Body Advantage!

GIFT WITH CANS299.95 : PURCHASE: : | WILSON AM/FM RADIO | | S WITH FLASHING LIGHT!

New Motorized Treadmills withthe Total-Boc'y Conditioning That Burns An Average of 890 Calories an Hour!

BUY 7 GET

(A CANS49.95 Value) While Supplies Last!

Norachrack

Plus Series Skiers

of Equal or Lésser Value

NordicRider Was $399.$5 How ONLY

Machine Accessory

AMoFIRder

~ SAVE |

A Great Total-Body Workout is Now More Affordable Than Ever!

We Pay the GST ON ALMOST EVERYTHING

IN THE STORE

Use your NordicTrack Credit Card!

a