IT WAS MISE MAN- NERS’ own dear mother who first made to her the case against Mother’s Day. It had to do with the fecilishness of conceding that there might be 364 days of the year in which Mother need not be fussed over, and also, possibly, with the fact that the lady could never abide breakfast in bed.

Nevertheless, here Mother’s Day is, with its built-in expectation that children make it a special oc- casion to demonstrate their devotion. In that, it is rather like the school-day events in which mothers were expected to be on call to participate,

with the clear implication to ~

children whose mothers couldn’t — for example, those who were out self- inculgently earning a living — that they. must not really care.

So, begging the pardon of her own mother by violating her tradition and recognizing the occasion, Miss Manners will suggest some methods of celebrating, for those mothers who also don’t like

by Judith Martin

miss

manners

breadcrumbs in the sheets.

One way to honor Mother is not to go around tattling on her. The 4-year-old who is on the spot for something to contribute to Show and Tell, the teenager interested in ex- changing information about the adult world, and the grown-up child who is after a laugh, are all exposed to the temptation to report what is guing on behind the scenes. This includes:

Statistics that Mother does not routinely give out herself, such as her age, her income, how many times she has been married, what organs she has had removed, and how much of a discount she got on the dress she is wearing.

What Mother does to make herself look good, including how she looks in a mudpack facial mask, whether she dyes her hair, how much makeup she uses and what she looks like without it, and how fun- ny it is to see her struggle into her girdle.

Mother’s little failings, such as what she says or does when she loses her temper, what tricks she uses for cheating on her diet, funny examples of how her memory, sight and hearing seem to be going, and what her attempts to help with the

homework demonstrate about her own education.

Another way of honoring Mother is for her children to pretend that her competence as a human being equals their own, It takes some doing, even for a small child to act as if he presumes that Mother could manage her fife reasonably without his critical advice, much of it retroactive, but the effort isa polite show of respect.

This means that the child does not explain to Mother that her appearance, conver- sation, values, opinions, politics and choice of associates are sources of em- barrassment, and must be renovated to meet the child’s tastes, It means trusting her to make her own judgments in these matters, even if they differ from the child's, and acting as if one is nevertheless proud of what Mother makes of herself.

It means not informing her that she is always being measured against Everybody Else’s Mother, as in “Everybody else’s mother lets them stay up as long as they want,” ‘‘Everybody else’s mother gives them $20 a week spending money,”’ “Everybody else’s. mother lets them have their noses pierced.”” Even if Everybody Else’s Mother could be pro- ven to exist, one honors one’s own mother by pretending respect for her right to dissent.

The retroactive part means that the child must assume that Mother has always done

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the best she could, under whatever circumstances ex- isted, and neither blame her for what the child considers failings in child-rearing, nor point out how much better he plans to be at the same tasks.

Finally, Mother can be honored by being treated as if she has a legitimate interest in the lives of her children. This does not preclude keeping secrets from Mother, especially those that would only cause her pain, such as one’s rebellious thoughts or the gender of one’s room- mate. But it does mean refraining from groaning when she shows concern, and

informing her about the ma- jor events in one's life before she finds out from the neighbors or the newspapers. DEAR MISS MANNERS — What does one say when a gentleman kisses a women’s hand? While it is not an everyday occurrence, it has happened often enough for me to become uncomfortable with my lack of knowledge. Unfortunately, by the time the young man gets around to kissing my hand, 7 have already told him how nice if is to meet him again, and have inquired about his wel}- being. Thus I've always end- ed up blushing jike a fool and

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mumbling something like, “How sweet. Thank you.’’ GENTLE READER — Are you speaking of the gentleman who kisses the air above a matron’s hand (never an unmarried girl’s) in the European equivalent of a handshake, or the gentleman who plants his kisses on an unmarried lady’s fingers and palms as a prelude to heaven knows what? Miss Manners just wondered. Actually the answer is the same, although the response may be different.

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