38 - Sunday, November 5, 1989 - North Shore News

Questions about boyfriends can be politely glossed over

DEAR MISS MANNERS — Two people can always be counted on to ask me about boyfriends or dating. One is my father’s first cousin, a man now in his 70s. The other is a close girlfriend and a former college rcommate. I see these people (separately) once a year at most, but the problem ir-

ritates me every time.

The first time my cousin in- quired in a loudly cheerful voice, *‘*Well, and how about. the boyfriends?”’ I, who was not in- volved with anyoae then and had not been for yeass, mumbled some sort of embarrassed response. Looking back later, [I became angry, feeling I owed nobody an expisnation or justification of my social life.

The following year, in the presence of his wife and a handful of our relatives, he posed the same question. I responded by saying, “If there’s anyone worth mention- ing, I'll bring him into the conver- sation.” I thought this a tactful way of telling him that if there was news, he would get it without ask- ing. A few minutes later, he

miss Mariners Judith Martin

observed that I had brought no one inte the conversation. Where do we go from there?

The girlfiend, a physician, asks me if I have been dating — employing the same tone my den- tist uses when asking whether I have been flossing. Perhaps this is automatic in her profession. Should I expiain that the apparent condescension strikes me as inap- propriate?

Our perplexing encounters with college men were a topic of absor- bing interest when we were soph- omores and iiving in the girls’ dormitory. But that was in the spr- ing of 1965. 1 would like to think

that the passage of fime has brought more than morning stiff- ness and tite need for bifocals.

My present situation adds a complicating element, as an intense relationship which tasted for over a year is in the process of disintegra- tion. I do not wish to offer a simplistic, finger-pointing explana- tion, nor to produce a detailed analysis.

How does one deal honestly, without waxing heavy-handed or Sarcastic, with a probing question one considers an invasion of privacy?

GENTLE READER — While inquiring about remance is always nosy, these superficially identical probings are inspired by different motives, so slightly different remedies are in order.

Cousin Herman just wants to make conversation. He believes that young ladies, which is to say ladies younger than he, are only interested in boys and clothes, and he doesn’t know how to talk about clothes.

All you need say is, ‘Oh, Cous- in Herman, you know I'm waiting for someone just like you,”' if you then go on to open a conversation on a topic of interest to him.

Your friend, however, dates from the time when you did want to talk about boys, if not clothes. (The therapeutic tone that you say your college friend takes on also offends Miss Manners, but unless she comes out and says that falling in love would be good for your liver, let us ignore that.)

The problem is that she is not out of line in presurning the old level of confidences unless you in- dicate otherwise. The way to do that is to say cheerfully, ‘Oh, Miranda, men come and go, God bless them, but I just can’t have as much fun gossiping about them as we used to in school. Tell me what you've been doing.”’

DEAR MISS MANNERS — Could you please suggest some possibie responses to ‘*Thank you for coming” when one is leaving a wake or funeral?

Obviously one doesn’i murmur the usual phrases one would use at a happy occasion, such as ‘‘It was my pleasure” or ‘‘Thank you for including me.’' It would seem empty to repeat ‘I’m so sorry,"’ because one has already said that at first greeting, said respects to

the body in the casket and chatted a few moments.

About the only thing that comes to mind is ‘‘I wanted to be here.” Of course it’s an outright, bald- faced lie. I seriously doubt that anyone wants to be part of such a sad occasion.

GENTLE READER — You are awfully quick to characterize this statement as a lie. It certainly ex- presses a more complex emotion than a graceless declaration of ob- vious and immediate surface con- ditions, but it is no less true.

Some of the polite repiies you suggest to the family’s polite remarks are lies. (Miss Manners also notices that you do not put

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