UESTION: Fve got this very good friend who scores zilch for reliability. I never know whether she is going to do what we agree to. I like her a lot and whenever we are together I feel comfortable

ask hayden stewart

Freetance Counsetios Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242 for appotwnimeni for indivadual, family or group counselling

with her and really enjoy myself. We have a lot in com- mon and I want our good friendship to last. However, this business of her being so undependable gets me furious at times and I want to really tell her off. The other day - it was Wednesday - we were to meet at my place at 3 o'clock. She turned ap at about a quarter to two! Jt could have been 5 or 7 or even the following Friday. Whether she’s a day early or a day tate, she comes breez- ing in al) enthusiastic about something and never a men- tion of being late or early or

Don't bank o reliable friend

on the wrong day. If I say anything to her about it, she hardly seems to hear what I’m saying and goes on with her exciting interest of that particular hour. To her, it just doesn’t matter whether it’s Tuesday or Thursday, morning or night, there’s always something far more important than that. We’ve been friends for about six years now and you know, I think she’s getting worse and worse. Ejther that or I'm get- ting more and more upset by her. I'm getting to be more sarcastic with her and more critical and I’m afraid that one of these days I'll blow my top and lose the friendship of one of the most enjoyable people of my acquaintance. I’ve thought more than once I'd like to give her some of her own medicine and see how she likes it. I’ve thought that if she didn’t arrive by the time we've agreed on [’d just go out and leave her flat. But I don’t like being tike that. What can I do? How can I get her to be more depen- dable? She seems to be basically unreliable. 1 can’t bank on her.

STEWART: if you can’t bank on her, the first thing to do is not bank on her anymore. The thing that bothers you is that she does not live up to your expectac- tions of her. You have not ac- cepted the reality of her unreliability. You are still pretending she IS reliable, but has bothersome lapses. You are still wishing she were different and even trying to figure out ways that you can make her different. If you liked everything about her ex- cept that she has red hair (which you deplore) you'd be

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- C19 - Wednesday, April 4

. 1984 - North Shore News

shightly bonkers to pretend she’s a blonde or try to get her to be a blonde, or get sore at her for being a red-head. Listen! She comes with red- hair as standard equipment. Can you still enjoy the rest of her? She also comes with a

dependable trait of unreliability. You need not enjoy her unreliability

(anymore than her red hair) but you can give yourself the pleasure of accepting it as a

part of herself and enjoy HER!

Have no specific expecta- tions of her, and that in- cludes the expectation that for some reason or other she will start being reliable. She may, and she may not. Ac- cept her as she is and get on with your enjoyment of her. That’s the way she is - so far. Will you have her, as is, or would you rather do a number on her and find she’s not around anymore?

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