8 - Wednesday, March 26, 1986 ~ North Shore News

Doug Collins

GOOD LORD! I thought Rupert Flange was dead. The last

© get this straight ¢

time I saw him he was staggering down the railway line toward 100 Mile House, sucking away at a bottle of Schnapps. But he’s popped up again.

You remember Flange, of course. He's the former SS cook who used to knock around with Hitler when Adolf was a paperhanger in Vienna. Adoif

4 went on to become Fuehrer, but poor old Flange never made it past the cookhouse until he slip- ped into Canada disguised as boat people.

Flange has written me a letter, which is reproduced below. Ir the interests of clarity I have translated some of his German. But his delightful English has been left in the original. (He Jearned the language while cook- ing up sauerkraut and horse-turd at Stalingrad, so don't be too critical.)

SR ee ‘*..lieber Herr, when lam the newspaper story about homosexual Mounties reading, I know I must Jrom retirement come.”’ Fg

“Dear Herr Collins!

“Ach! It cannot be! Die Fantasie-world vom Circus Monty Python is hier and now! Excuse, please! Sometimes, whenever 1] ex- cited or angry get, I forget and speak as in the old days we used to speak. But, lieber Herr, when | am the newspaper story about homosexual Mounties reading, ¢ know I must from retirement come.

“Do not say we Flerrenvolk no humor have. Long and loud we are laughing at Herr Python’s sketch of the transvestite lumber- jack and the falsetto Mounties, and ve liked it nearly as much as we liked Wagner. (Though we nothing funny saw in the episode showing Herr Hitler and the Na- tional Socialist Party in Eastbourne, England.)

“Now, with all the episodes of Herr Python kaputt, we are saved by the government in Ottawa. And suddenly, die future ist today hier!

“Once, when Iam from a brief business trip to Paraguay return- ing, I was ordered to strip fora — how do you call it? — skin search by ein Offizier vom RCMP. The need for this | understand. The in- genuity of hiding places for il-

Jegally imported computers in- creases in direct proportion to their diminishing size!

“But what I could not unders- tand was how the Offizier could jokes make while giving my car a big nibble,!

“Now, with newspaper reports about gay policemen, it begins to come clear, and it ist not funny at all. Some of my best policemen

friends were hanged (resettled,

you know) for less.

“Mit freundlichen greetings!”

“Rupert Flange, Chairman, Ambleside New Right (ret’d).

“P.S. Perhaps I mistaken am? Perhaps a Gay Policeman ist only the same as the Laughing Policeman of 1929 in Vienna? Ein simple kraut-cook cannot all the Kultur changes follow!"’

x wk

The RCMP, poor chaps, are hopping mad about the prospect of strange people being admitted to their ranks. They see Monty Python being resurrected, not to mention the Royal Canadian Air Farce latching on to them (if one may put :{ that way). But so far they have not lost their sense of humor.

There was this chap on the ferry with me, you see. An RCMP euy, I believe, and according to him this is one of the jokes going around:

Recruit to sergeant: ‘‘No, sergeant, I won't go on the stake- out until you tell me you love mel”

Then there's the one abcut the guy at the RCMP training depot in Regina, where one recruit told another recruit:

“Stop kissing your horse, George! People are beginning to talk!’

kek ke &

And did you see those TV shots of Svend Robinson, the NDP MP, congratulating the winners at the Tranvestites Ball?

x xk *

Just for old times’ sake, by the way, | shared a jug with Flange, and he said it is not true that he és applying for a Canadian pension under the Canadian War Veterans’ Allowance Act.

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NV District joins City | jin apartheid} | free zone

NORTH VANCOUVER District followed the lead of the City of North Vancouver Monday when it Officially declared itself an ‘‘apar- theid-free zone.”

Ald. Ernie Crist told district council that it took an ‘tam- bivalent”? stand March 10 when it chose to “‘receive and recognize” a letter sent by the Canadian Union of Public Employees Local 389 urging council to boycott South African products in the municipality.

Crist asked council to clarify its position on the letter.

“We should join North Van- couver officially so that there is no ambivalence,” said Crist. ‘We should clearly state that the District cf North Vancouver will follow North Vancouver.’’

Mayor Marilyn Baker said because the municipality is cur- rently not using South African products, it chose to only recognize the letter. She said the district was, in practice, following CUPE's request.

“We don’t have apartheid here. The main thing is sanctions. We presently do not buy goods from South Africa, and we've given directiou to our staff to continue that policy,’’ the mayor said.

North Vancouver City’ declared itself apartheid-free March 17.

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