34 - Wednesday, Februnry 17, 1988 - North Shore News

Q. MY HUSBAND died (tragically while quite young and left me with two children.

He was an only child and his parents lived for him. They have always been iovely to me and the children, always having us for Christmas and taking my daughter and son whenever I ask them to, whether for an afternoon or 2 week. Not just when it suits them, but very gladly when it helps me.

Now I have a new man and that has made a difference. I am going to marry him and there was strain over Christmas because I wanted him with us and my in-laws would not have him as part of our cele- bration.

He understands but in the future this will be very difficult. F want my husband to share our family life and he wants to do that himself. My son, 12, really eajoys him. My oldest child, 15, liked him until her grandparents set her against him. Now she wants to go away to school as part of avoiding my new marriage — very difficult as he wants to be a good stepfa- ther, has offered to adop! the children ‘and in all ways accepts his ready-made family. What can f do? ‘

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A. Whatever responsibilities or tics you have to these grand- parents, you have the absolute right to a new happiness. Let me say that first. That is something you as well as the children must understand, and the grandparents have to face it too.

But, with that stated clearly, let us also understand the feelings of your late husband's parents. You and the children arc all they have left of their son except grief and memories, and since he Ieft no brother or sister they have no other outlet for their devotion.

it is painful to them to think of their son's widow putting that car- ly marriage behind her, no matter how much you try to do it respect- fully, with affectionate memories and without disruptions.

As for your daughter, even if her grandparents had done nothing to influence her, still she would have feelings against a replacement for her real father. She has grown up into adolescence as his daugh- ter. That is her identity. She as

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well as her grandparents would very naturally react against the adoption, the taking of another man's name.

I think you should talk to your fiance and get his agreement to defer the adoption and certainly any name change for the children.

If he is really understanding he will see that, as part of caring for real children (not picture-book youngsters but individuals with developed loyalties and valuable ties to those grandparents), he has

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to help them through this change in their lives.

Very predictably the 15-year-old is the less ready to accept him as a new parent. I take it that the boarding school idea is practical for you, so far as the cost is con- cerned. | would explore that idea

Dr. Ruth

Ruth Westheimer

with her, giving plenty of care to the selection of the school, because otherwise she may, instead of be- ing grateful for being allowed te go, end up in a school unsuited for her and feeling that she has been

exiled instead of treated with con. sideration.

If she and her grandparents see that you are going to do all you can to keep that relationship, her sense of being the child of her real father without forcing any ‘‘new daddy"’ on her, that has to help. Instead, fet him be an understan- ding and helpful new person in your lives, someone she, as a near-grownup, can accept but keep at some distance without offence. {t should case the situation a great deal.

Perhaps for the present you have to be the most diplomatic and understanding person in your fam- ily situation, but I think you can expect the others to see it your way in time if you give them considera- tion.

If your daughter or her grand- parents never come around to your viewpoint, too bad, but you have to live your life and sometimes ac- cept that others refuse to see that important fact.

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