Gary Bannerman

tas

OPEN LINES

A FRIEND complained recently that modern news- papers are devoid of humor.

He wished for a reincarnation of Dr. Samuel Jobnson or H.L. Mencken, someone who could slip a a Gasser through the heart of tedious public pomposity. How about a modern-day / Att Buchwald, or, on a local evel, a more contemporary Eric Nichol or Allan Fotheringham?

“The newspapers have a hun- dred columnists expressing their ponderous opinions, without wit, imagination or even new informa- tion,”’ he said.

“If Brian Mulroney says today that the moon is made of cheese, we will see and hear a hundred commentaries in print and on the air within the next 24 hours. The Journal would probably even bring in a cheese expert for com- ment!

“It’s bad enough that we have to listen to this dumb opinion from the PM, but why do we have to hear a hundred opinions about his opinion?’’

We objected when our friend made this flat statement: ‘‘Aside frora the cartoonists, it is im- possible to get a good chuckle out of any modern newspaper.”’

I referred him to the sports pages.

**You mean Jim Taylor?” he asked.

No. I said that Taylor doesn’t actually qualify because he is old-school like Nichol and Foth. He intends to be witty, and often succeeds,

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The belly laughs come from sports reporters and jocks who at- tempt to be profound.

There was a recent headline in The Province: “‘Osbaldiston geis kick out of life’s finer things.”

This four-column page-topping story written by Kent Spencer concerned the Hamilton Tiger-Cat place-kicker.

It attempted to portray this young man as a sophisticate.

Spencer wrote: ‘‘When the boys gather for a cool one after a tough game, Paul Osbaldiston disdains the usual Bud.”’

The reporter then described the player as a ‘‘connoisseur of fine wines.”’

We learned that young Paul has “*120 bottles in his Beamsville, Ont. wine cellar!”

1 had to read this one again:

120 botties. Exactly 10 cases of wine.

Now captivated by this eruption of culture, we thought we might read about a Lafite 1961, a respected Barolo from Italy, or maybe a case of the first bottling of the Mondavi-Rothschild Opus I, No such luck.

According to Spencer, Osbaldiston went to Portugal once and he bought some vintage wine.

Our guess is that it was not the best and oldest product of Opor- to. However, this launched 2 new career as a “connoisseur.”

Since moving to Hamilton, he has learned that ‘‘some of the best grape-growing country in the world is around here. Eventually, i see it as a business opportuni- ty.”"

His favorites are a ‘Reisling, Ont.”’ white and a red “Cabernet.’” Since Spencer chose to capitalize these varietal names, we assume that they must be lit- tle-known towns in Ontario.

And, finally, we can advise with good authority that an Ontario cabernet will remove rust from the bumper of your car.

Political scientists have said for years that referendums are dan- gerously divisive.

Rather than uniting in the glories of a democratic process, they cite many historical examples of simmering disagreements that are ignited during the course of an

Mulroney's deal is no deal at all.

KNOW MCRE about

attempted plebiscite.

The scars of Canada’s last na- tional issue vote (Conscription, 1942) have not yet healed and likely never will.

This current constitutional exer- cise has started to claim casualties.

There are bitter broadsides heard daily over media. Prime Minister Brian Mulroney sent out all the wrong signals when he said those who would vote No were “enemies of Canada.”

An uneasy alliance between prominent Liberals Gordon Wilson and West Vancouver's David Mitcheli has exploded.

We are told that the daily acrimony in Quebec is reaching slanderous extremes.

The day David Mitchell cap- tured the headlines, we were din- ing with the urbane and erudite Dean of Coznmerce from the Uni- versity of British Columbia, Dr. Michael Goldberg.

We asked him why a referen- dum, with far less at stake than a general election, so often erupts in turmoil?

Goldberg, an expatriate Ameri- can who can be poetic about his zeal for this country and his Ca- nadian citizenship, said that dem- ocratic politics reside in grey areas, 2 world of inexact opinions and compromise that can be “quite beautiful’’ when it works.

“But a referendum forces things into the realm of black and white; hard and fast opinions; yes or no,”’ he said. ‘‘This increases the tension between people.”*

He elaborated that pressure groups such as the National Ac- tion Committee for the Status of Women or native Indian leaders have politicians at a disadvantage.

“They come at the politicians from a narrow, definite point of view. They shoot with certainty and without qualification,’’ Goldberg said.

it may be that beth David Mit- chell and Gordon Wilson are vic- tims of the process.

The legislature reporters have been speculating for months that an intense rivalry exists between the two most prominent Liberals.

They both have denied this, but the referendum has demolished the veneer.

Mitchell says it is the best possible deal for Canada and a good one for British Columbia.

the constitutional deal before

you vote on October 26.

Did you KNOW tative Mulroney fi deal wil

commit Canada to more constitutional cuntroversy,

Ministers’ conivrences, and more long-winded

Mor First

wrangling?

We'll be subjected tu at least five mory years of squabbling, bickering,

and neglect of our economy. This ir not the way to “get it over with’.

Cali 1-900-273-KNOW to let the Prime Minister know that, for the love

of Canada, you wil be vating NO on Oxtober 36.

For THE LOVE Or CANADA

To support our KNOW MORE campaign. or for more information, cali the Reform Party Constitutional Hotline at 688-8990 or your local Reform Party at 980-5300.

Sunday, October 11, 1992 - Nerth Shore News - 9

Connoisseurs turn to sports for chuckles

Wilson describes it as an unfortu- nate sell-out.

Wilson said the Liberal caucus members agreed that they would be free to have independent opi- nions, but that they would not openly align themselves with one campaign cr the other. Mitchell, he said, betrayed this.

In fact, Mitchell has come home from an extended trip (an invita- tlon to study U.S. government processes), and he plans to crusade for the Yes vote.

‘*] think it would be a tragedy if Canada accepted the agreement on a national basis — by any margin — but B.C. was left out by rejecting it; perhaps being the only province to reject it,’” he said.

“For far too long, B.C. has been the odd man out in constit-

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utional affairs in our country, in intra-provincial retations and in federal-provincial dipiomacy,”' he said.

I asked him what he thought might be the outcome if we do

_ Tegister a No vote.

**No one can safely predict what the consequences might be, but the deal might proceed in any event. I would like to see B.C. as an equal partner in Confedera- tion, and I hope we will be able to support the agreement."*

Yet David Mitchell’s quest has started a bonfire close to home. His party colleagues wil} be more intent on the Wilson-Mitchell war-dance than they will be on the spark that forced it into the Open.

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