aS 8”

32 - Sunday, August 6, 1989 -

North Shove News

‘LIFESTYLES

Express regret when declining invitations

DEAR MISS MANNERS — Our problem is how to get out of accepting an invita- tion for a special occasion when. the event is out of town at = summer residence. We know quite a few people who own summer cottages, and if an anniversary or birthday comes up, arrangements are made to have & party there rather than in town. We also have a sommer residence,

- which we use once in a while, but

we now enjoy spending more time athe +e.

Is at improper to refuse an in- vitation on the grounds thai we do not wish to travel? We would en-

_ Joy attending if it weren’t made so inconvenient. We have found that there is usually not enough room to put up all the people overnight, and we have kad to pay the extra expense of a hotel room.

. Shoald people not arrange these occasions at the cenvenience of ‘their guests rather than because of .their own desire to be at their summer . residence and still cele- brate these occasions?

GENTLE READER — Miss

Mauners is happy to oblige you,.

but ske requests, in return, that you withdraw. that ungracious sideswipe at people whose only

. ‘crime is to invite you to share a. j ‘special occasion at their vacation

house.

You make it sound as if they have been sitting around saying: “Iv’s too much bother to get ourselves out of here — why don’t we nmiake the guests undertake the effort of traveling? They’ve got

. nothing better to do, anyway.”’

What - they, are more likely to

have been thinking is : ‘‘Wouldn’t. .

it be fun to have everyone up here? They're stuck in town, in all that

~ heat, when they could be enjoying

‘themselves..up here. with us. Besides, ‘that way we could see them for the weekend, instead. of just a few hours.” -

- Those who do. not agree need only decline the invitations, Being out of town is-a ‘standard excuse

for not attending events-in your -

hometown, and the | reverse works, too.

One does not, however, make announcements about not wishing to travel, as if it were aa imposi- tion. Being ‘unable to leave town”? is the softer way of putting it. Even ‘‘I’m sorry, but we'll be at our summer place then’’ will do. ‘Just remember that declining in-

vitations always calls for express- -

ing regret rather than venting peevishness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS — I am the coordinator of a society for single people. Recently we held a dinner party at a local restaurant. Six women and one man attended.

After the completion of the meal, the gentleman requested the cheque from the waiter and took the liberty of paying the entire bill.

All the ladies, including me, were aghast. None of us knew how to handle the situation or what the right thing wes. As he was seated close ¢o me, I did request that all of us pay our ‘air share. But he in- sisted that it was his trea, because he usually dines alone and he greatly enjoyed the meal and the pleasure of our company.

For the next week, I was plagued by phone calis from all the “ies. They said it was up te me to settle the matter by insisting that we all take our portion of the cheque.

Althougk I would have felt more comfortable paying for my own meal or taking care of the tip or at least paying for my own cocktails, I think that to insist to the point of being rude would rot have been right.

I did make a suggestion to the other women that in order to

miss manners Judith Martin

SEL reciprocate, we might plan to bave a covered-dish supper and invite him; or, if they felt at ease, perhaps they could take turns in inviting him to dinner. :

So that a similar incident does

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not occur in the future, 1 would appreciate Miss Manners advising me of the correct procedure.

GENTLE READER — There seems to be a bit of hysteria here. One munificent gesture, directed toward six ladies at once, does not create an unbearable social debt. By suggesting that the ladies cook for him, or invite him out individ- ually, you are confirming that they are heavily obligated.

Miss Manners understands that you and the others do not want to change the rules of the group so that anyone else would be obliged to duplicate this generosity. But surely you could keep inviting this nice gentleman back, with the good-natured understanding that he would be the group's guest.

On second thought, perhaps Miss Manners didn't quite grasp everything. This-is, after ail, a singles group. If any of the ladies wishes to take it upon herself to inviie this gentleman cut as a gesture of reciprocation for the group, she needn’t be discouraged.

RALPH HUBER

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