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20 — North Shore News — Wednesday, July 12, 2000

NEWS photo Mike Wakefield

Art appreciation

BROOKSBANK elementary students admire a work
by artist Gordon Smith. He donated the print after
students who saw his work sent thank-you notes.

Aaa I GFE as CT!

Peer acceptance drives teens

LET’S face it, none of
us likes rejection, at
any time or at any age.

There exists in cach of us,
a basic desire to socialize and
be part of a larger group. It
begins with acceptance by
our family members and
spreads to our friends, co-
workers and various others
We come to know during our
lives. With very few excep-
tions, we are, as human
beings, drawn to each other
in social groupings.

For teens, the need to fit
into a social group is particu-
larly important.

As they begin the transi-
tion from childhood to adult-
hood, they enter a world of
awkward moments, uncer-
tainty about their future,
changing expectations from
their family, and heightened
expectations and demands by
their teachers. In the face of
such challenges, they turn to
their similarly confused peers
for comfort and solace. Only
teens understand teens, or so
they believe.

The power of peer influ-
ence should never be under-
estimated, and anyone who
has had teens will attest to

David N. eel =

Z

this fact. Those innate forces
driving social acceptance are
extremely powerful and to
gain acceptance to the peer
group, an otherwise mature
and thoughtful youngster can
become a raving lunatic ata
moment's notice.

Heads get shaved, cloth-
ing gets discarded, tattoos
get implanted, body parts get
pierced, classes get skipped,
curfews get ignored and risks
get taken — often all of these
done for the satisfaction of
peers. It’s a frustrating time
for parenting, when your
ability to influence your
child's decisions is snfinitel
less effective than that of the
14 year-old living up the
strect.

Parents need to under-
stand that it is the fear of
rejection that is the driving
force of much of this behav-
ior, not a personal rejection
of parents. To be left behind
by your peers, ignored by
your peers, or even worse,
overtly ridiculed by your
peers, is the most devastating
fecling 2 teen can experience,
and if it takes a little parent
bashing and rebcllious behav-
jour to gain acceptance, then
that’s fair game. From a
teen’s perspective, better to
have your parents upset,
since they rarely interact with
you anyway, than to have
your friends upset, leaving
you no one to hang out with
at school or anywhere else.

This fear of rejection
explains a lot of the hysteria
which occurs in many homes
surrounding issues like acne,

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clothing, hair style, music
tastes and recreational activi-
ties, such as mall cruising.

Fearing the group will
turn on them if they do not
follow the lead, many teens
gravitate to styles and activi-
ties which don't really inter-
est them, but which are a
required element of belong-
ing to the crowd they wish to
belong to. There is a signifi-
cant element of “shew” that
is temporary and need not be
of much concern. In some
cases, however, the require-
ments of belongin can be so
pervasive and the Rear of
rejection so great, that
youngsters will go too far to
gain the acceptance they
wish. In many of these situa-
tions, these youngsters lack
confidence in themselves and
constantly seck approval! from
their peers, leaving them vul-
nerable to unscrupulous lead-
ers and manipulative social
schemes. The result is often a
very deep loss when they
inevitably are rejected.

At the point of severe
rejection, a teen has little
choice but to withdraw, often
to their room, but even
worse, deep into an emotion- .
al abyss. Rejected, isolated
and angry, a few lash out, as
we've seen too often in the
last few years, but most just
resign themselves to rejection
and live day-by-day with little
enthusiasm for school, friends
or anything which might
threaten even more rejection.
Teen depression is common,
and unchecked can become a
debilitating state of mind.

Parents need to under-
stand that the desire of their
children to be part of a larger
social group is normal, and
belittling this nced by ignor-
ing its power, simply leaves —
the child even more vulnera-
ble. With no support or sym-
pathy from home, the impor-
tance of gaining peer accep-
tance becomes even greater.
Wise parents accept some
deviations from the sweetness

' ofa 10-year-old, without get-

ting all tied up in knots
about it. They tolerate a litele
more orneriness, without
eliciting confrontations or

psvchoanalvzing every word a
child says.

They give their children a
little more Opportunity to
interact with peers, perhaps
by making their home a safe
gathering place but giving
them some space when they
are there.

But the most important
thing parents must do during
these difficult times is to
maintain the lines of commu-
nication. Keep talking to the
children, their friends, their
friend’s parents and their
teachers. Be aware of any
changes in behavioural pat-
terns and ask a few questions
to determine if scmething
bigger is happening.

Communication of prob-
lems may not always be ver-
bal. Watch for heightened
levels of frustration or anger, .
isolating behaviours, or a pre-'
occupation with angry music .
or violent movies. If a pat-
tern of concern is develop-
ing, try to open up some dia-
logue. The best way is often.
to take a break from the:
usual routines of life and get
away on a distracting outing,
where family dynamics may ©
temporarily let a teen drop ©
their guard and open up a :
bit. Pos
Finally, if a teen expresses fe

’ a concern, be sympathetic to

it. We might know, as adults, :
that much of this will pass :
and most of their friends for : °
life will not be their friends ©
from high school, but we ©
have the benefit of cxperi-
ence to know this. They,”
unfortunately, may have to:
learn how to cope with occa-
sional rejection and bounce’. °
back from it without such S
insight. For them, each rejec- *
tion feels like the worse thing
that ever happened to them,
and at that point in their life,
that feeling is as valid and
real as it can ever be. : «
Listen without judge-

ment. Offer comfort when
necessary. Distract their |
attention when you can...
These are the tools of 3 pars’:
ent with teens. .

_— Graham Hookey. is ‘the

- author of Parenting Is A Team: .
Sport. saeekeyOysh Ont:

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