32 ~ Sunday, June 28, 1998 ~ North Shore News north shore news THIS has been my experience, and, as ‘columnist David O'Reilly wrote in 1986; perhaps more so, now...women lead. Woriien usually seduce men, not the other way around. In three out of four courtships, it is the woman who picks a male out ofa crowd and begins flirtation. Biologist Timothy Perper "says, the commonly held notion that “women are pas- sive and reluctant, while men try all sorts of ‘salesmanship’ ‘during courtship” is false. . “The woman will usually place herself strategically, as if by accident, so that he Notices her.and strikes up a conversation,” Perper writes. ‘Not only is the man usually unaware that she has made the first move, bur he often believes it is he who has picked her up. Perper has spent cight years researching courtship in singles ba . He reported his ' findings to aconference of | the American Anthropological Association. . ur.(cultural assump- bout who starts courtships are. false,” ‘ed Perper : professor at Rutgers iversity and now a profes: ‘he ‘Said, the view that, an‘is always the aggressor - ‘alarmingly thin that “one: wonders how it ever got i into the literature.” ‘Perper,'47, who holds a“ -: _. each other, their eye contact ral degree i in biology aid during an .. ‘\-! Perper. discovered, “Ac first ie "after: the j presenta: ton ha he had“ never pattern of courtship eared over.and over. 900 hours of obser-.-’ on in: East. Coast singles _ ‘and confirmed exten: y.in Other settings, such Ss parties, restaurants, church _ report: : former assistant © pattern used in all age groups and by homosexuals as well cas heterosexuals. The successh:!. five-step “sequence that Perper has gis- covered is something he calls the “approach, talk, rurn, touch and synchronize” pat- tern. It typically goes like this: A woman who is interest- ed in finding a man will, when she enters a room, quickly scan the crowd for candidates. ‘She dismisses quickly men already with mates and those «she does not find attractive. She then singles our the avail- sable man she finds most attractive and typically posi- tions herself close enough so that he can start a conversa- tion: A glance, a smile, a spilled . drink — ves, even a ‘dropped ~ handkerchief — may be ” enough of a cue for him to * _ fay something like, “Gee, this “onion dip sure is great,” or , ».“Haven’t I seen you some- where?” “These opening exchanges are usually banal to the point ” of idiocy,” said Perper, “But it doesn’t matter.” ‘The two will quickly move to other topics, and if they . find themselves ‘attracted to will last longer and longer: the person speaking will typi- cally look directly into the lis- tener’s eyes mgmentarily and “then: ‘glance around the ‘room” before looking direct- ly at the other. During this initial phase of _ conversation, the wo likely _ will-be standing at oblique ~, angles to each other, forming a wide V. But as their interest -grows, Perper discovered, ALTERNATIVES ~ Women lead courtship dance ing that Vand will maintain eye contact longer and longer. “Eventually, if thev’re really clicking, they will end by facing one another and gazing nght into one anoth- er’s cves,” he said. “Pve seen this happen in as Hictle as 15 minutes.” But, he said, this talk stage may last several hours betore it advances into the “touch” stage. “In 90 percent of the cases, it is the woman who successfully initiates this phase,” said Perper. “She may brush against him, or rest her arm on the bar so chat it touches his, or momentarily touch 2 finger to his elbow, But it will seem casual and even accidental.” It is, he said, a tacit expression that says, “I like you, and I’m giving you per- mission to make further advances." Ironically, most women do not like men to take this step, he said. Most women will pull back and may abruptly shut down the whole process if the man makes overt physi- cal contact before she does, If the couple reaches the fifth, or “synchronize,” stage, he said, they will have estab- lished so strong a bond that they are assuming the same posture, holding their arms in the same position and per- haps hoisting drinks or munching pretzels simultane- ously, Then it’s time to go. “Now it’s tricky,” said Perper. “Now they have to admit they want to sce each other, and they’re both vul- nerable; they don’t want to be rejected,” Now, at fast, the male assumes the mythically cradi- tional role as aggressor.’ The woman may make the suggestion that they leave together or sce each other again, “but. even today most: women are not comfortable - doing it.” Do they both want to spend the night together? Does one, but not the other? Would they both like to see dinner? He must now make the move, but she will likely steer things in the direction she chooses. He may suggest they go to “some place quiet,” and she may suggest her place. Or she may put the brakes on and suggest they meet again. They may exchange tele- phone numbers or even busi- ness cards, which. Perper says is an increasinuly common, and emotionally safe, courtship technique. Perper’s conclusion is that the common notion “that women want nothing bur rich, handsome, sensitive and intelligent men” is wrong. “Rather,” he said, “it is a male’s capacity tm respond to whar the woman is doing and to what she wants emational- ly, sexually, socially and some- - times financially chat defines him as attractive.” Robert Aiken isan inter- nationally known professtonal astrologian and therapentic counselor/teacher/writer with 40 years' experience. He offers empowering personal coun- selling sessions as well as thor- ough, in-depth, tape-recorded astrological readings. Phone Carole: 926-4961. 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