C12 - Sunday News, December 20, 1981

COMMENT FROM
HAYDEN: In our November
18th column I answered a
letter concerning the letter
writer’s male cousin, who
came to her home for a visit
and to her surprise, brought
along his girlfriend. He and
his girlfriend declined the
offer of another bedroom,
Stating that one was suf-

ficient for them. Our
correspondent was not
happy with this

arrangement, but went slong
with it. In sharing her views
with her husband, “he ‘just
laughed” and told her “to
grow up.” Her question was,
“What can I do without
olfending my cousin and his
lady and without having a
confrontaton with my
husband?” ‘My reply roused
the ‘Ire ‘of several readers
who wrote and said so.

Here: are some of the
comments I received:

“Your answer to ‘What
About Girlfriend’ (Nov.
18th) was quite improper
and missed

the point
completely. If, as you
suggest (quoting her

husband), this woman should
‘grow up’, surely your best
reply to her problem would
have been to advise her to
. +. give up her beliefs .

she should have the courage
of her convictions and deny
her cousin and his girlfriend
the convenience of a shared

bedroom when next they pay
her a visit.”

ANOTHER COMMENT:

. . nowhere in the lady's
letter did she make: mention
of wanting to‘ ‘reform’ or
change the lifestyles of the
couple. Rather, she felt
bothered and uncomfortable
having them perpetrate their
lifestyles under her roof.”

YET ANOTHER COM.
MENT:

“The first part of your
reply was pure flippant
nonsense .. . what this lady
required and was looking for
from yourself was some
encouragement to be honest
with herself and her cousin.
She obviously was ‘not
getting any = satisfactory
answer from her husband.”
(Comment -from Hayden: |
think she did not want to be
honest with herself or her
cousin. She asked what she
could do without offending
her cousin or crossing her
husband.)

QUESTION FROM A
CRITIC:

“Do you not think it was
entirely rude of the cousin to
arrive with his girlfriend
unannounced and thus put
the lady in this position in
the first place?” (Hayden: I

do, Ido.)
ANOTHER CRITICISM:

“Your reply to this lady
was Off base! In your last line
you ask, ‘Why should they
change their ways . . .?’ etc.
Well, why ‘should the lady
change HER ways? After all,
its her house. If she is
uncomfortable in this set-up,
she doesn't have to adapt to
them.” (Hayden: I quite
agree. But she chose
otherwise. Right?)

THERE'S STILL MORE:

“I doubt that it will in-
fluence your opinion but. . .
I differ with your advice to
the lady with the visiting
cousin. You are welcome to
your opinion but Once you
publish it hundreds of young
people hold it up = as
authoritative. Please retract
your counsel .. .” (Hayden:
Thank goodness the days are
long past when young people
thought of a column like
mine as “authoritative”. The
kids these days are thinking
for themselves. They are not
waiting breathlessly for
Hayden or anyone else to
give them the authoritative
answer.)

ONE MORE CRITICAL
COMMENT:

One writer, referring to
my answer being “in poor

: ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

QUESTION: Do you get
letters criticizing your an-
swers to the questions you
have sent to you? Aad ff so,
what do you do with them?
How do you handle them?

How do you feel about
them?
STEWART: I got snowed

under with cnticism for my
answer to the woman who
didn’t want her unmarricd
cousin to sleep in the same
bedroom with his girl friend
when they visited her
Meanwhile, hang in there.
Perhaps your letter will be
answéted, indirectly. when
you read the
column. ;

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Differing moral opinions

taste” quoted Tennyson as
saying, ‘Respectability is that

which does not offend.’ Call for free estimate
~(Hayden: I surmise that
would establish the

respectability of the woman
who did not
visiting cousin. One wonders
then if she might be thought
of as unrespectable if she did

offend

depends on who appoints

himself as judge. If offering

an alternative “opinion” is —
considered to be offensive,

then most of us, time and
again, will be in a position of
offending and according to
Tennyson
(probably taken quite out of
context)

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offend her

her cousin. It all

Men hgn tgs: go hge tga gn ign hgoig

quotation

there would be
little respectability

round about!

We'll

exercise by my confession
that I wish I had not sup-

ported

telling her to “grow up”.
That was a cheap shot. I
don't like me when I say
things like that. But she gave
me very little elbow room
when she asked what to do

without

and without
husband. The “growing up” |
hoped for is in the area of
living up to
thoughtful
just
tachments to a need to judge
others or her need to keep
everyone undisturbed.

her

not

conclude this little

her husband by

offending her cousin
crossing her

her
convictions —
her habitual at-

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