20 — Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - North Shore News A Post Secondary Eduction | for your children or grandchildren HERITAGE SCHOLARSHIP (RESP) TRUST PLAN * Registered Education Savings Plan © Non Profit Foundation * 20% added by Federal gov't to your annual contribution phone: Rudi Winter A» 927-5285 for appointment no charge of obligation 1459 Bellevue West Vancouver : 926-2327 north shore news MARENTAL GUIDANCE Experi SOMEONE recently sent me a compilation of qualifications to be a parent. The original author was unknown and I've had to edit a litde but essentially here’s someonce’s idea of what it takes to be a parent. Every 16-year-old should read this, annually, until they turn 30. Job description: long-term team players needed for chal- lenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environ- ment. Candidates must pos- sess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless _ Sports tournaments in far away citics. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. Responsibilities: must pro- vide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-binw- ing. Must have strong skills in . negotiating, conflict resolv- tion, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able te think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will Friday, lov. 5 throug fh Sunday, Nov.14 Centennial Theatre, North Vanauver * Only 9 performances 2:00PM matinee ard 7:30PM evening performances Tickets: $25.60/$21.00/$17.00 Unctuding service charge and taxes! Save tOfe with the purchase of a WW Orphans Fund Family Ticket Packages - $5.00 also goes to the kids Tichets alt: 904-4484 » Group Soles and Gerietat information calt: 930-7942 reanag by Teak Wares Bros bry Ow TOE Lerogies Aneese Wim fa, OF need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash dis- bursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, “He got mare than me!” for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse con- ditions while simultaneously practising above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to choose your bartles and stick to your guns. Must be able to with- stand criticism, such as “You don’t know anything.” Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, uatil someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Alsc, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 km/h in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the back- yard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical chal- lenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coor- dinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and orga- nize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Also, must have a highly cnergetic entrepre- neurial spirit, because “fund- raiser” will be your middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as “What makes the wind move?” Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end prod- uct. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work through- ienced parents wanted out the facility. Possibility for advancement and promotion: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position - for years, without complain-. ing, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that’. those in your charge can ulti~ mately surpass you. : Previous experience: None: required, unfortunately. Cn- the-job training offered on a’ continually exhausting basis. Wages and compensatio You pay them, offering fre: quent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is duc = when they turn 18 because o! the assumiption that universi- ty wiii help them become ° financially independent. When vou dic, you give them whatever is left. The oddes' thing about this reverse-sal scheme is that you actually ~ enjoy it and wish you could only do more. Benefits: While no héaltl or dental i insurance, no pen sion, no tuition reimburse- ment, no paid holidays and’ no stock options are offered, ; the job supplies limitless -: opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right " Graham Hokey is th author Parenting Is A Team Sport.