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30 - Wednesday, September 7, 1988 -

North Shore News

LONG HEART-TO-HEARTS

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x-boytriend
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Q. | HAVE been in a relationship with this girl cight mon-
ths, and we are having a rough time because she can’t see
my point of view about her ex-boyfriend.

She had recently left him when
we began going together. The sub-
ject would never come up if this ex
would stay in the past where he
belongs — but he still catls her up
once & week.

The story is he just wants to stay
friends, and she feels sorry for him
because she was the one who
walked out. I just don't like it,
especially since | am there when he
phones. Am I wrong?

A. You may be wrong about
something, but not about this.

There is no way on earth that you
could like his phoning her and
having long talks. Jf she ran into
him on the street now and then
and they exchanged a few words,
that would be different.

Tell her she had time to talk to

ask
Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

him but she watked out. Now she

is with you, and these weekly
heart-to-hearts are too heavy for
you.

To her it may seem that she is
only being friends, but to a present
boyfriend, it is a constant menace
and shows no consideration for
your feelings.

Now, I can’t promise you that
she will stop letting him call her
up, but at least you will know you
have expressed your feelings. You
may then have to decide what to
do with a relationship where there
is so little consideration for you.

Q. My girl has read that many
women don't have climaxes from
intercourse, so she knows about
that. But she would like to have
them that way if possible, and I
would like to help her. What
should [ do?

A. | infer that she does have
climaxes at other times, from
clitoral stimulation — self-pleasur-
ing or things you do to her before
or after intercourse. Be sure you
go on giving her climaxes that way,
and don’t try too hard to have
them during intercourse.

It is not required by law that she
should have them. If you and she
are both intensely hoping for it to
happen during intercourse, the
pressure will prevent just what you
both want.

The usual strategy is to indulge
in foreplay until she is near climax
before commencing intercourse —
but don't ruin your whole sex life
making a federal case of this. She

either does or does not know how
to bring herself 10 orgasm. If she
does, perhaps she will show you. If
not, she might consider learning
from a reliable sex book. Or the
two of you could consult a sex
therapist.

Q. Tean't seem to get my wife to
understand that self-pleasuring is
part of normal life. She agrees we
have all the sex she wants, but if
she walks in on me gratifying
myself, she gets upset, She says it
is immature and no contrary opi-
nion from sexperts carries any
weight with her, What can ! do
about this?

A. How come she walks in —
don’t you have a lock on the
bathroom door? But that is beside
the point. Some people don’t like
to witness their partners doing
that. (tis a way that many people
feel and not a matter of right or
wrong. Just respect her feelings
and be sure you don’t do it in her
presence or when she is likely to
find you doing it.

Q. After being married three
years we separated for a while,
then got back together by mutual
agreement. But now she pushes me
away whenever I try to initiate sex.
And she never initiates, so it's got
to be the least sexy reconciliation
in town. 1 have had her agree sev-
eral times that sex is part cf mar-
riage — it certainly used to be be-
fore we split up. But let me put a
hand on her and it’s brush-off
time. What goes on?

A. I don't know from here, but
it sounds as though she has agreed
to reconcile but a lot of anger in-
side her doesn’t know about the
treaty. Try to talk her into seeing a
marital counsellor with you.

Q. My boyfriend and i have had
high sex drives in the past, but now
we are more interested in cuddling
with each other. Why?

A, This could be nothing more
than a mutual change of mood. It
does not mean the end of sex. lam
not sure that you are not also hav-
ing sex, as well as cuddling, and
are just interested in spending
inore time in affectionate closeness
than you used to. This often comes
after a passionate period in a rela-
tionship.

{ recall a touching scene in an
old movie, Room at the Top,
where the lovers had a passionate
week at a hotel, and, on the last
night together, were seen in bed in
their pajamas, having had their fill
of sex and wanting a calmer kind
of closeness now. Maybe you are
having a short season of rest from
sexual excitement. There could be
other reasons, but if you are happy
with each other, and see no clouds
on your horizon, don’t worry
about it. That tide of mutual desire
will rise again.

Q. My lover and‘ have sex three
to four times a night through the
week, anything up to seven times a
day on weekends. Is this the norm?

A. Nobody taught me a norm in
sex therapist school. What people
want and feel happy with, so far as
frequency goes, is OK. However,
what you two want and seem hap-
py with sounds like bragging and
tall stories — but if you have ex-
aggeraied, only you really know
how much.

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