36 - Sunday, November 18 couple. Tom's family knows about our relatienship and we attend many family dinners, birthday parties, barbecues and other social occa- sions together. Tom's family is not totally comfortable with our relationship, but they include me in invitations, knowing that Tom wili not attend if I am not invited. They are polite to me. I no longer feel it is appropriate to call his parents Mr. an Mrs., but they have not told me to call them Bob and Jan. Should I take the initiative myself, or should I ask my lover to do so? GENTLE READER Miss Manners finds it interesting that Change possible From page 35 he and his wife or partner are assessed. : The man is seen for two reasons: to determine whether he is depressed, and to determine his motivation for group work. McSherry explains that a number of the men who first come to the group are seriously or chronically depressed, and some are even suicidal. “They are separated from their wives, and they have lots of fears,’ he says. The woman is assessed to determine whether she is safe, whether she has a safety plan, and whether she has anyone to talk to. Halfway through the program, she will be seen again to determine whether the relationship has im- proved. If the abused woman needs a safe place immediately, she can stay at the Emily Murphy Transi- ~ tion House (987-3374). NSFSS also offers a Partners’ Support Group and_ individual counselling. If you. would like more infor- mation about Alternatives to -Vio- lence or other NSFSS programs, please contact 988-5281. | HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE # © Special rates for the North Shore © Mature citizen and burglar alarm discounts @ Monthly payment plan available by pre-authorized debit to your bank account § (no service or finance charges) 4 I ¢ New Home Discount 8 © Friendly Personal Service | ART LANGLEY INSURANCE | AGENCY LTD. 1345 MARINE DRIVE WEST VANCOUVER 922-6102 Serving the North Shore for over 30 years. SAFECO’ Insurance Companies f » 1990 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES you accept the graciousness of Tom’s parents toward you al- though you know they are not totally comfortable with the rela- tionship, and yet you are unwill- ing to sustain your own discom- fort in order to allow them to choose how they want to be ad- dressed. Why should all the comfort be on your side? Having made the substantiative point, cannot you allow them to decide a stylistic one? The relevant factor for this eti- quette rule is not any of the cir- cumstances you have set out. Tom’s parents are a generation older than you; they therefore get the choice about forms of address. Do not brood that their formal- ity indicates disapproval. Among legally married couples, the ques- tion of what in-laws should be called is far from settled, and there are many young people pro- fessing themselves uncomfortable with being asked 10 say Mom and Dad to a spouse's parents as there are ones who squirm at Mr. and Mrs. Miss Manners suggests that all of them, too, learn a lesson in graciously sustained discomfort. DEAR MISS MANNERS The only topic of conversation that my elderly parents and rela- tives really enjoy is their medical problems — not just a summary, but ail the immediate details (e.g., toilet problems, ear cleaning, What to call parents of a gay lover? DEAR MISS MANNERS — I am a 22-year-old gay man and I live with my lover, Tom, who is 26. We have been together for over a year and consider ourselves 2 married polyp removal), which can be disgusting at times, particularity at the dinner table. f am sympathetic to these con- cerns, but if [ try to change the subject to a non-medical topic, my parents and relatives become visibly annoyed with me. A summary would be suffi- cient, with reasonable time per- mitted for discussion of other topics of common interest. What do you suggest? GENTLE READER Tirat you come up with some topics of equal interest. Miss Manners warns you that it isn’t going to be easy to compete with the fascination of documen- ting one’s own deterioration. The unfortunate preoccupation you describe is, in people who are not actively suffering from medi- Judith Martin MISS MANNERS cal problems, a sign of slackening interest in the future. |Buy: a beautiful new kitchen from us this month and well help you fill i in the blanks. Merit Kitchens will giv e youa $500 scentficate on spanking new + appliances. 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