enna marencene Y PAPAS NELLA Re

C6-Wednesday, February 27, 1980 - North Shore News

ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
for appointments for individual. family or group counselling. His new
office in the Internauonal Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) ts for the
convenience of North Shore residents

Start by listening

QUESTION: We've been me give you an idea or two. WORDS.

married 7 years and [fm Start practicing LISTENING Now about the
afraid we are slipping into to the other person. TALKING. Listening comes
being non-communicative. Listening comes first. And as first, but, of course, what

We both realize this is

you deliberately LISTEN to
happening to us, but we

you SAY is a part of com-
your lover, listen past the

municating too. If you have

don't know how to do words so you can “hear” got into the habit of
anything about it. Both of us| what is being felt back TALKING mostly about
have said, “We are not behind the words. For your opinions, judgements,
talking with each other like example, one of you may prejudices and criticisms,
we used to.” What can we do say, “We never DO anything you are making it harder for
to arrest this thing that is anymore.” The listener your partner to hear YOU
happening to us? hears, “You are a bore, you. and your FEELINGS. Make

never DO anything with the shift to sharing your
STEWART: First off, let me.” The listener hear’s a_ feelings, honestly rather

each one of you see that “put-down” and all too often than promoting your biases

your letter is giving you one enters into a defensive with hints and clouded
clue right off the bat. Twice maneuver or argument. If commentaries. It is more
you say that the non-_ the listener had CHOSEN to interesting and more

communicating experience
is “Happening to you.” It is
not “happening” to you at
all. You are CHOOSING to

listen beyond the words, he
would have heard, “I want to
do something with you.” So
first of all, LISTEN to your

rewarding to share your self-
disclosures with another
person than it is to take sides
in an argument. Why not

be non-communicative. We partners feelings and don't explore the fun of being
do that, usually, to avoid get bogged down in your “flashers” rather than being
sharing our feelings. So, let) own defensiveness over his debaters?

ls father a cheat :

QUESTION: I am ten and
my brother is 13. We found
out that my father had a
woman sleep over with him
while my mother was away.
What I want to know is that
really a very bad thing? My
brother says it is a very
wrong way to do and that my
father is a cheat. That makes
me mad because 1 don’t
think my father is a cheat.
Do you think my father did a

wrong thing?

STEWART: An awful lot of
people would say that your
father did a wrong thing.
And they would probably
call him a cheat. Your
brother, being three years
older than you, has learned
that that is the way people
usually think about what
your father did. We don't
know how your father feels
about it, and that is very very
important. Don’t forget that
if your father thinks he did a
wrong thing and feels like a
cheat, he is feeling badly
nght now.

All of us make mistakes
sometimes and feel ashamed
of ourselves and wish we had
not made those mustakes
Remember how alone you
felt when you did a cheating
thing and hoped one

would be for you = and
perhaps your brother too, to
let your dad know that you
know what he did and let
him know that you know
how badly he must feel and
that you love him and that
you hope he won't do it any
more. That will give your
dad a chance to know how
you feel and to talk with you
about it. You may find out
that you have made a
mistake, or that he does not
feel like a cheater. In any
case, I believe you will all
three find more love for each

other than you would by just
imagining a whole lot of
things, and worrying. Don't
get after your dad.

The main thing is to let
him know you love him and
that if he feels awful about it,
you want to stick by him
while he works things out for
himself. Be sure you don't
say anything to your mother,
because 1f anyone at al] tells
her, that should be a thing
that your dad does. Will you
read this to your brother and
talk it over with him? It
might be a good idea.

Sale

no

would ever find out? It's no °
fun being in that spotis it? So |
is probably no fun for your!
dad to be in thal spot either.
thing

1] think the best

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You CAN §
clean out
that attic!

QUESTION: I can't let go of
things. I can't “clean out the
attic” like people tell you to,
because I just can't give
anything up. I may need
them later, or they have sen-
timental value or, perhaps
they may even have real
value. I tell myself all these
things and keep everything. I
feel overloaded with all sorts
of junk, but the fact remains,
I just cannot get rid of it.

STEWART: Now I'll play
the authority figure for a
minute and tell you exactly
what to do. Your first thing
to give up is lying. You are
lying to yourself and to me
and to all our readers. When
you Say, (four times in a very
short letter) that you CAN'T
give up things, you are not
telling the truth. So get md of
that junk first. If you were to
tell the truth, you would not
say, “I can't give things up”,
what you might say is, “I find
it hard to give up things and
so, to make it a little easier
on myself, lam CHOOSING
to hang on to them”. It has
been your choice, up to now,
to hang on. But that does not
inean you can’t let go. It only
means what it says — “I am
choosing to hang on to
things”.

Once you honestly admit
you want to get nd of a lot of

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But the wanting and the Blouse and

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Right now, you are doing
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Don't grouch about it. So
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