End it or start over

UESTION: We had

two or three pretty

good years of mar-
riag® and then things went
from pretty good to bad and
from bad to worse. Nearly
two years ago we separated
and that is our unhappy state
now. I say unhappy state
because both of us do not like
being separated. We love
each other and want to be
together, but each one of us
is scared to try it because two
of the difficulties we had
before are still present. One
of them, ‘‘he’’ could change
and one of them ‘‘she’’ could
change, but neither one is
willing to give up the thing
that we consider to be so im-
portant. I know I could never
be happy with him if he in-
sists on continuing to do the
thing that bothers me so
much. And he says it would
be impossible for him to live
with me if I continue to insist
on having a certain right or
freedom that I want.

During the two years of
our separation we have got
together quite often. We date
and have good times. We
usually make love and
ALWAYS we talk about how
dumb we are to hold out
against being together again.
But always we come up
against the same old
stalemate. I won't give in and
neither will he. Actually, he is
untrue to me and insists on
the right to continue that
way. In my case, it’s a matter
of principle. [| want the
freedom to go out with other
men. It's that simple. I have
no man in mind, and pro-

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bably would not go through
with it even if I had. But I
think I should have the right
to that freedom.

Do you see any light at the
end of the tunnel for us?

STEWART: As things are
now, the tunnel looms so
large and formidable that it is
very difficult to see the light.
Of course you know that too.
You have told me in your let-
ter that as things are now, ‘‘l
could not be happy with
him,’’ and, as things are
now, ‘‘It would be impossible
for him to live with me.”’
So what’s the problem? All
you have to do is decide to
end the relationship, or
change so that ‘“‘things’’ wall
not be ‘'as things are now.”’
And by the way, you (the one
who wrote the letter) can do
nothing more than attend to
your own changing. It is im-
possible for you rewardingly,
to change him. Nor, hkewise,
can he change you with any
lasting benefit. You'd better
take three or four days holi-
day from talking about it, or
thinking about it and do a
different thing all together.

Hicre’s a suggestion: Take
a few days, each of you
separately, to think your way
into the profound meaning of
a sentence I'll give you. Use
your best brains to dig into it.

can be bought?

STEWART: Its title is,
GRIST FOR THE MILL and
it can be obtained at Banyen
Books and probably at other

"good bookstores.”

ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Havden Stewart mav be reached ut 261 6242

for appointments for individual, farms or group counselling

Go at it with your hearts loo,
because you say you love
each other and want to be
together. Throw out every
ounce of self-centred ego and
expose yourselves, without
defensiveness to the first of
the Love Principles.

Here it is: Be the change
you want to see happen
rather than trying to change
someone else. | feel confident
that if you let yourselves go
in that dynamic exercise,
you'll begin to see some light
glimmering in your tunnel of
love. When you do, move
toward it together. It gets
brighter when you're
together in your acceptance
of it.

QUESTION: A few months
back you printed in your
GROWING EDGE column
some excerpts from a book
by Ram Dass. Would you
please give me the name of
the book and tell me where it

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QUESTION: I feel left out in
the dark in the midst of all
this trendy emphasis on life-
goals and purpose. My goal is
to keep. breathing. Why
should I kid myself about
‘*following my star’’ and all
that sort of twitter? Have you

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noticed how much talk there
is about goals and stars and
life purpose? Is it new or does
it just seem new to me?

STEWART: I’m not much of
a goal man either. Seems a bit
contrived to me. But it ain’t
new. I’ve heard it all my life
and that's not just a few
months.

The other night | listened
all over again to ‘‘South
Pacific’? and even though
goals are not big with me, |
got a bang out of Bloody
Mary singing about dreams.
She sang (rather raspingly, I
must say) ‘‘You gotta have a
dream. If you don’t have a
dream, how you gonna have
a dream come true?”’

Well?

QUESTION: What do you
do when you have so many
things to do you don't know

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Marriage just seemed to go downhill

which way to turn? I get ter-
ribly upset and don’t do at all
well at it. Have you got a tip
or two?

STEWART: It’s too big a
question to be answered with
a tip or two, but I'll share an
experience with you that
might help. 1 was travelling
East on the CPR train. It was
loaded with passengers and
the Dining Car was especially
busy. J had a very busy,
beaming, jolly waiter who
was going every which way
with speedy and efficient
moves that almost took my
breath away. | said to him,
‘*How in the world do you
keep up this pace hour after
hour and stay as calm and
jolly as you are?’’ He beamed
at me while he kept on work-
ing as fast as ever and said,
‘*Boss, when I have too much
to do, | jest does one a dem.”’
I’ve often remembered his
formula. Not bad, eh?

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