32 - Sunday, March 5, 1989 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

Funeral chips and dip Volunteers needed
were not out of line

DEAR MISS MANNERS — The aunt who reared my
brother and me died recently. As she was an avid sailor, she
had requested that her body be cremated and the ashes be
sprinkled on the river which flows by her home.

We complied with her wishes,
taking a good-sized sailboat out to
the center of the river, where we
anchored. There, poems and
prayers were read, and a!) eight of
us drank 2 toast (o my aunt, using
her yavorite wine. Flower petals
and small bouquets were thrown
on the water after the ashes. Then
we started to sail back.

At this point, my brother's
girlfriend made a dash to the
galley, where I could see she was
putting out cocktail peanuts, chips
and dip, and a piate of appetizers.
I was eppalled. I asked her not to
do this, as we would be partaking
of the food the neighbors had
brought as soon as we reached the
dock.

My brother says I was out of
line. I say you don't take cocktail
snacks to x funeral, and shouldn't
to this type of service, either.

GENTLE READER — What
type of service? You improvised
this occasion, and so there are no
universally recognized rules for it.
Who is to say that wine is correct
but that some food to go with it is
not?

Miss Manners is not saying you
did not do an appropriate and
dignified job of memorializing
your aunt as she would have wish-
ed — only that you have no call to
be appalled at what was, after all,
a very slight extension of your
plans. The young tady didn’t put
on a bikini or pull out a fishing
rod.

DEAR MISS MANNERS — My
husband would have been happy to
hear that his oldest daughter is get-
ting married, but he was waiting
for her to ask him if he would give
her away. He and her mother were
divorced many years ago and her
mother remarried, but she _ is
divorced again now.

My husband’s job takes him out
of state two weeks cach month,
and his daughter set 2 date for the
wedding without bothering to find
out whether he would be in town.
She did ask for a list of our friends
to be invited. We bave had her and
her fiance to dinner a couple of
times, but there is never any men-
tion of the wedding unless I bring
it up. Miss Manners, maybe I'm
wrong, but it seems to me that
mos; young ladies are -ubbling
over with information about their
weddings.

When I finally asked if she
planned on having her father give
her away, she stammered a little
and then replied that she was going
to have both her stepfsther and her
father give her away. When I told

Memorabilia
to be dispiayed

GIRL GUIDE memorabilia will be
on display at the North Shore
Museum in honor of the 100th an-
niversary of Lady Baden-Powell’s
birth.

The wife of the founder of
Scouting and Guiding, Lady
Baden-Powell devoted her adult
life to promoting these organiza-
tions world-wide.

The display is in the hall gallery
of the museum located at 209 W.
4th St. in’ North Vancouver.

Museum hours are !} to 4 p.m.
Wednesday to Sunday. The Gir!
Guide memorabilia display will be
in place until March 19.

my husband this, be said he would
not have anything to do with the
wedding. He was very hurt, and he
cried.

Finaily his daughter asked if he
was going to be in town for the
wedding and if he would give her
away with Ben (her stepfather). He
told her gently that he couldn't do

miss
manners
Judith Martin

that. He feels that two men just
don’t give one bride away. He in-
formed me he would not go to the
wedding.

I called his daughter and told
ber bow he feels, aud she raised
her voice to me and told me it was
her wedding and she should be
able to do what she wanted. I
repeated that her father would rot

hike seeing ballet,”
for the frst ti

be there and that he was very hurt.
She replied, ‘‘My stepfather is will-
ing to do it this way, and I can’t
see why my dad can‘¢ agree also.”'

My husband feels he was asked
as an afterthought. I feel bad
about the whole situation and ask-
ed my husband if maybe we were
wrong to feel that way. Maybe he
should agree to his daugiter’s
wishes even if i( was handled a lit-
tle tactiessly.

Time seems to have changed a
Jot when it comes to morals and
etiquette, so maybe we should
come out of the Dark Ages, tuck
our tails under and join the rest of
the crowd.

GENTLE READER — AI-
though Miss Manners hardly ap-
proves of a bride’s making her fa-
ther cry (particularly under the
vulgar banner of ‘‘It’s my wed-
ding*’), she cannot acknowledge
that etiquette is at fault here. The
society changed first, in a way with
which your husband acquiesced,
and etiquette is only trying to catch
up.
The change was that society has
recognized, in a much more
routine fashiou than it did a gen-
eration ago, the legitimacy of
divorce and step-parenting. Pre-
sumably your husband accepted
the fact that his former wife’s se-
cond husband also acted in the role
of father to the daughter. That this
bond was successful is evident
from the girl’s filial devotion to
her stepfather having outlasted his
marriage to her mother.

This is not the time to challenge
him on his position in her life. Yes,
it may look peculiar to have two
fathers give a bride away, but this
merely reflects the circumstances
of the bride’s having had two fa-
thers, which is not less peculiar.

Reid Anderson, Artistic Director

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