St PIERRE

NOW AND then people come up and ask what it’s like to
write a newspaper column. (People also ask ‘‘Are you Jack
Webster?,”’ ‘‘is itiat your car in the No Parking Zone?"
and ‘‘Have you found Jesus?’ Forget about them.)

Even if you think you know why
you write columns, when faced
with the clear question you have to
think it over again. If you've been
cooking mash in a copper pot and
running the steam through pipes in
snowbanks you know what you are
doing and you can measure your
product.

The product of a newspaper
column cannot be weighed and
cannot be measured. The terrible
suspicion persists that there is no
product. So, why write newspaper
columns?

€¢€
R eaders are

surprisingly fair. They
will tolerate your
opinions, even the
obviously wrongheaded
ones and they will
accept criticism of
themselves, which may.
be even more
wrongheaded, provided
they believe you speak
in good faith.”’

Vanity is one reason. Show me a
columnist who is not vain and I'll
show you a man who's ready to
quit the paper and go back to the
farm before Dad changes his will.

Egotism, however, is only one
way to recognize columnists. Other
common characteristics, beginning
with A, are arrogance,
boorishness, the castration com-
plex and dipsomania. Depressing,
isn’t it?

Rapacity is about the only quali-
ty not easy. to detect ina newspa- -
per columnist. It’s there alright,
but it’s hard to detect. He prefers
to portray himself as one too pro-
ud, too dedicated to think of mere
money.

Truly, it is a peculiar occupa-
tion.

For guidance I once turned to a
newspaperman now dead, Pat
Terry, a witty man who helped
keep Scotland’s McEwan’s Strong
Ale brewery in operation.

“Over many years I have
observed many columnists,’’ said —
Pat, ‘‘Many, many more than !
care to remember. They all had
one major failing, which they
shared with politicians.

“Remember it, if you can,
should you ever start column writ-
ing. You will find after a time that
you start believing yourself.’”

Going on, as Pat so often did,
he told me that he had twice left
newspapering for more elevated
pursuits, ‘‘But each time I returned

to the business as doth the dog to
his vomit."

He loved newspapers so much he
could never bring himself to say a
good word about them.

Eventually, as happens to many
newspaper people who remain
uneditied, unincorporated and
moderately uncorrupted, I was
sent to column writing. | stopped
wearing neck ties. | was supposed
to start worrying about running
dry of ideas but for some curious
reason this affliction was not mine.

Only on the occasions that I quit
column writing for politics or for
the B.C. Police Commission did J
start getting regular nightmares
about missing deadlines for my
copy. I had to start a column again
to get rid of the nightmares.

There ended true privacy, it be-
ing exchanged for egotism, vanity
and all the rest. You invite people
you have never seen and never will
see to come inside your head and
share your impulses.

Maybe, you tell yourself, even
though [ am nakedly exposed, they
will not notice that J am no
smarter than anybody else.

Once started, I did find the job
had its attractions, besides the ob-
vious one that it was indoor work
with no heavy lifting. Readers are
surprisingly fair. They will tolerate
your opinions, even the obviously
wrongheaded ones and they will
accept criticism of themselves,
which may be even more
wrongheaded, provided they
believe you speak in good faith.

Never, I learned, never, not even
once, underestimate the in-
telligence of ordinary people or the
stupidity of those who think they
manipulate ordinary people.

The common man is blessed
with common sense, and more.
Most of the time he knows exactly
what he is doing and why and pri-
vately, without using graphs,
charts or slogans, he proceeds to
do it for the benefit of himself and
his family. That is one reason that
economists’ forecasts are so often
wrong.

Eventually, one characteristic of
ordinary men and women shines
through. They have a natural
decency. Unless ruined by religion,
their impulses are to tolerance and
fairness. Most are like the Aca-
dians whom Longfellow described.
Their lives glide on as rivers that
water the woodlands, darkened by
shadows of earth but reflecting an
image of heaven.

Yes, young man, by all means,
write a newspaper column some

day. It may bring out the worst of
you but you will be exposed to
some of the best aspects of other
people. Once those best aspects
cease to surprise you, you will be
mature. You may even be happy.

Seniors get security tips

THE WEST Vancouver Police
crime prevention section will be
sponsoring a display for ‘‘seniors
in action’? at Park Royal North,
today and tomorrow.

cy

|RECYCLE'|

The display will include an in-
formation area where seniors can
obtain the senior citizen’s crime
prevention manual as well as other
information pamphlets.

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