PANGS FROM THE HEART
Is it love or limerence?

EVERYONE has read: how .

people fall in love in. fairy
tales. .

o An” unsuspecting “victim” -is
- suddenly. struck through. the heart
by ‘Cupid’s:arrow. The next person

: ‘they see willbe the one they’ cry ,

over,’ sigh .over, and — so ‘they
“think — die over.

~. They are ‘destined to” pine away.
: until all their hopes are gone, or, if. ;
until: the- ‘person Teturns .

clucky, .
their-affection.
Sounds ‘silly, doesn’t it? Not to

Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a professor .

of psychology at the. University of

Bridgeport,’ Connecticut,

author’ of Love ‘and Limerence

= (Stein. & Day) who thinks many ‘of

us are: capable of, “falling in love’’

. that way.

- Yet. it’s not ‘really: love. Friends

; might “call ita crush;. _parents may

label. it infatuation. Dr. Tennov
has coined it “imerence”.

-  Limeérence.~is:

. nothing’ in the world is as ‘impor-

"tant ‘as° that“ one ‘special person:

“You. think about him — or her. all

“the time, even when you ought to

have your mind on work or school..,

“For: the limerent person, the

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a feeling. that .

movies don't exaggerate,’ Dr,
Tennov says. ‘‘Every. romantic
stery or song somehow rings
true.’”?

All this is fine as long as there’s
a chance for a happy ending.

But if the person — whom Dr.
Tennov calls your limerent object
—- rejects you, pain and self-
destructive feelings can result.

When limerence leads to unhap-
piness, teenagers. in particular can

"be without resources to deal’ with

it,
- Although there i is no cure for it,
it. does help. to talk to_ someone

* about «it: ““When: you're’ young,
-you don’t ‘know that you'll recov-

er,’’,.says Dr. Tennov. ‘‘But,. of
‘course, you do’ — eventually,”’
“Limerence is. human nature,
not a character flaw,’’ Dr. Tennov
stresses. ‘It can’t be consciously

controlled, and anyone can experi-
~ ence it.’”

By the same token, there is
nothing wrong with you: if you've
never felt it.

That doesn’t mean

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unromantic —
circumstances

you ‘te cold or
probably just
haven't been right.

However, don’t equate
limerence with love. In real love,
you're very likely to put the other
person’s wishes first.

Limerence, according
Tennov, is selfish — you want the
the person’s attention, to fulfill
your own needs.

People who are limerent tend to
define their object of affection in

: their. terms, not as someone really _
ise

This explains why a limerent
man might bring you heavy metal
secords as a gift when you’d rather.
listen to: Bach. If he’s an AC/DC

fan, he’ li fantasize that you are, _

too.

Limezence feeds on uncertainty,
and when feelings are reciprocated
it usually comes to an end. .

“‘Limerence always requires that |

element of mystery,’’ Dr. Tennov
says. “‘Reatistically, though, you
wouldn’t want to sustain the rela-

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37 - Sunday, February 9, 1986 -

tionship. You’d want to move on
to a closer, more rational relation-
ship based on mutual knowledge.”’
Limerence, sometimes, does Jead
in this direction. Just as frequent-
ly, however, there is no correlation
between limerence and love.
Someone may truly love you, for
example, but not feel you’re the
only reason to live or the only one

. whose company he can enjoy.

“The Hollywood idea (of love)
was to follow your heart,’’ Dr.
Tennov explains. ‘‘Now,. both
adults and young people will be
able to- make the distinction, so
that even when they are in the grip

Bill ana COO
with YOUF
loved one

-Listen to.the sweet

of limerence, it won’t lead to

self-destructive feelings — or mean.

the end of some other healthy,
ongoing telationship.”'

Don't get the idea, though, that’
‘‘limerence — orf infatuation, or a

crush — is necessarily a negative
experience.

It has inspired songs, poetry,
books, plays. (Who could be. a

more classically limerent couple:.
than Romeo and Juliet?) It also. -
provides people with the thrill, ex-.
and fun of a roller-..

citement,
coaster ride. oo,

Taken ‘in. proper . perspective, it
can teach us a lot about love.

‘sounds of Tony & Joe i

(No, Bill & Coo aren’t the
entertainers, Tony-& Joe are)
-Romantic music &.
“flowers for the ladies.
Friday February 14:

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North Shore News