: the time.” QUESTION: F rm the middle and all three’: of us’ are ” Freelance ‘Counsellor Hayden. Stewart. may ‘be ‘reached , at 261-6242 for appointments for individual, family or group counselling. His new _ ‘office in the International Plaza Hotel ; convenience of North Shore residents, - . ; she . one of three teen-age sisters “probably would still feel that If you were . angels, “same responsibility and try ‘browned _off “because our.._to-“make—sure-- “your, “wings ~ they” “once get it into their mother almost... haunts .us.—:were on right.. That's nice She’s always saying, “Fv ve got - to know. where: you: ‘are ‘all™ We hate that ai we don't like feeling like we've always got to be reporting in. ‘We are not.going any places | that we don't want mom to . know .about'—-. well, hardly ever — but why should we always report in like mom is a probation officer or something? =—«_ - STEWART: You have not -mentioned your dad. ’ Perhaps he is not around, or. not too concerned about your way of life. If that is the case, it would be gracious of you to recognize that your. mother. feels responsibility. an extra dad..:. _ earth. you know, even if it may be a ‘nuisance to-you. _Your mother _ probably loves you dearly and is afraid she may let you down: So she is trying trying trying as hard as she can. That’s nice too. Right? OK, what. can - youdo about it? Why don’t the three of you sit down and figure out how you can best set your mother’s mind at ease? You'll want to keep on living» the lives you are choosing for yourselves, of course, “but don’t quit trying to live _ those lives in ways that will be enjoyable to the person -who, perhaps; loves you more than anyone else on f Open. Tuesda ys ont is for the Often teen-agers are very very touchy and allow themselves. to be snarky if of the most common reasons people give you. for coming to you for co » and, regardless of the reasons that. .. afé given to you, what do © “YOU think is the most ‘common’ shortcoming that contributes to people - deciding «© to seek out — : answer the quéstion. you ask ‘me and avoid. answering you in generalities... Other counsellors would give other - reasons for people coming to | them. You clearly ask for my own clients’ reasons for coming to me. ‘By far the _most_ common heads that. “poor-me” being even.-slightly over- protected. Well, that’s. all right I suppose, because it-is- part of. the process of becoming full-fledged, grown and independent human beings. But when that procedure is used thoughtlessly or unlovingly or even cruelly, not only does the. mother suffer agonies, but the teen- ager, thinking she is standing on her own two grown-up feet, is learning not just to be grown-up, but is learning. how to be an. insentitive, hurtful grown-up, who will be short-changed - in life sooner than she thinks. . Easy girls. Your. mother has HER needs too. 4 “reason ‘given me is the is . clients’ difficulties in relating -to-some one person, or to people in general. They want tq. talk about their awk- wardness or unhappiness or fear or failure in relating to _ husband or wife, or boss, or relatives (including - their own children, young, -or grown) or teacher, or minister, or God. — ' Within that category (of personal relations) the mest | common “problems” seem to relate-to possessions, sex and power. Possessions include (for some people) money, things, wife, husband, children, time, privacy, etc. Probably the most common sexual unhappiness . else’s"~ ‘dominance _ manipulation. They then, of. STEWART: E want to try t to feel guilty-about-the *-*, bepay' renadcs capavel 2 GUST * CAS ” "ses abysds rafts OES preeet Page Cit, October 3, 1979 - Noxth Shore News | x WIT Do PEOPLE WANT TO iNOW | _ How to relate to others (QUESTION: What are some -has to do with. insensitivity, ‘which really is not a sexual problem, but which manifests itself so clearly i in a sexual relationship. ‘By power, I mean the “power struggle”... So many people who come to me for counselling ‘resent someone: ‘or course, pretty soon. resent. ‘their own submissiveness or fear, or everlasting efforts to avoid “rocking the boat”. Qr | {to use the stylish current word) their lack of “assertiveness”. The power thing, many times, is reversed, in that people also resent in themselves their own domineering ways and Enough of that. Your second question asks about. what I see as the most: COMMON shortcoming that pushes people into coun- ry ou can't tell kids _ QUESTION: You can’t tell kids anything these days. They either flatly disagree or refuse to listen or act as though ‘you live im the “olden” days. They are not _ ‘in the mood to be told anything about how to live or anything else. What's to- do? STEWART: In your business what. would you do if found your methods-:weré: “gelling. You, perhaps, will ‘not be too keen about my answer, but I feel pretty Strongly about it. The “most common shortcoming” lies ‘im an unwillingness to be natural! ra It is our nature’ to: love. And: when. we hold back: (for any one of thousands of reasons) from naturally loving,. we move. inexorably. toward incompleteness. and emptiness. Then, not. liking ourselves in this unnatural . state, we blame others, try to put on a’ front, become afraid of others: and their - . feelings endonand on. 1 would Jove sto say so your © two questions, -there: “just. is. not enough room. Perhaps this partial answer will prompt other questions. I will welcome them. - throw - -out those methods. and ‘go ‘for some alternatives. Right? you'd Perhaps you would be rewarded if you. simply. quit. trying’ to TELL your kids (seeing you are sure that _ doesn’t work) and share with them, as equals, in agreeing to some” alternatives, LISTENING to ‘them, and HEARING G:them, uo matter rking?- I'll bet. . simply not. wor: at “wha they : aay ~Are. -you but . =: ~—ts indoor & Outdoor Tennis ‘Squash Play Now at Lions Gate Racquets Club This is truly the North Shore’s finest racquet facility. 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