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Page 36, February 18, 1979 . Sunday News

With a friend the other day |
and ‘told her. that a. mutual
‘friend. of ours seemed to be
cutting me off: I said to ter,

“I wonder why?’’. So, here’s

_ what I got back from her.

She_ said -I-—gave the
impression to both men and
women that I was holding

. them off at: arms’ length, Shé

said I had a way of never

’ sho ing any enthusiasm or

appearing to have any fun.

_ She said one girl told her that:
1 ““never seemed. to enjoy

anything’’.
Well, as I heard all, this t

ec, Was sort of annoyed, but I

Freelance. Counsellor ‘Hayden
“Stewart” maybe reached at
‘261-6242 for appointments for
individual, . family or group
- Counselling. ee

, _ His, new.:office - in the Plaza .

International Hotel [open
Tuesdays only] “is for the:
convenience of . North Shore

wesidents. -

_~ knew I was hearing the trath.
That’s the
. make. We: got talking about.

impression 1.

why I do that and I came up
with a reason that I want to

check: with you.

When I was very very
young [younger than I want
_to tell you] I went through a

Middle aged, broke

QUESTION: I don’t want to
sound like a bawl-baby or a
poor ‘me artist, but I just
don’t see any light ahead for
me. I’m middle-aged, and
alone and broke and sick. ’'m
also an exagzerater. I realize
even as I write you, I am
making the picture even
blacker than it is.

“Middle-aged? Well, Pm
33. Alone? I am divorced and
have my 12-year-old son with

me. Broke? Well - nobody 7

would say I was well-off. I

feel the pinch. Sick? I have a
bad back, which really does
handicap me in some ways,
‘but mostly I am just sick of
getting nowhere and not
‘having much hope of things
changing. I’m really blue
about the outlook ahead.

Have you anything to say to a_

person in my kind of a box?

STEWART: Yes. First of all
I'm glad you don’t want to
sound like a cry-baby.
Second: I'm glad you see that
you have a way of exagger-
ating your situation. Third:
I'm glad you. see that you
don’t have much hope of
“things changing’’, because
you can’t bank on ‘‘things”’
changing.

“Things” tend not to
change, but YOU can

_ suggestion for now,

at oa

and depressed _

change. Already you want to
change from being ©
exaggerating Crybaby.
O.K., give yourself the
privilege AND the per-
mission to start BEING that
change. Like today! There’s
your start..

Tl make just one other
and
perhaps we can explore your
situation and your resources
later, date. The
suggestion is that you break
the poor-me pattern by
deliberately figuring out
something you can do for

someone else.

If you want to make it
really vaiuable and perhaps

even a turning peint in your

life, start doing things for
someone else that will
demand something of you,
and try your very best to do it
secretly, so no one will ever
give you credit for it. Just do
it in order to be gracious and
kind and loving. Take a deep
breath and plunge in! ‘Then
be open to the next step in
your emergence as a needed,
lovable person. What it will

be I have no way of knowing,

but the big thing is for you to
choose to do something that
lets you know you have made
a start.

How to stop
‘those’ words |

QUESTION: I don’t know
how to handle the swearing
that gocs on In our home.
We’ve never been too pious
about our language, but now
that our boys are ten, twelve
amd fiftcen, we are hearing

a) gs we have never sald In

lives.
never. |

[Well, almost

We don’t want to make a
big issue of it, because wo
don’t want our kids to think
we uro square. Should we
Ignore Jt or put'a clamp on it?
They .swear so naturally,
even in front. of adult friends
of ours,‘

STEWART: You are already
square in their eyes, just
because you are parents and
that’s how they want it, They
want you square (although
they’d probably say ‘‘strai-
ght’, not square) even
though they are proud of you
when you are not.

Try letting them know that
you would like their help, in
that you feel awkward and
embarrassed when they use
“those words" in front of
your friends. If you are not
too heavy with them, they'll
probably rescue you. Other-
wise, you may have to live
through’ it. I think ‘‘clamping
down”’ would be counfer-
productive in 1979.

miscuous seéxually..My story
is unbélievable, but also too
long for this letter! Anyway,

‘the time came when I saw a

change to end that . awful
experience. I knew it. would

be hard for nit, but I also.

knew I wanted ta do it. So, 1
think now what I did was.to
go too far r altogether.

‘

I trained myself to: keep
back every-bit of friendship
_ from guys, and without know-
ing it, I did ‘that with girls
too. I just simply wouldn’t let

myself encourage anyone on
earth to get too close to me.
Now what I want to ask you is
this. —

Do you think, even though
that happened over 10 years
ago, I could still be doing

' that cold aloof thing almost
out of habit?.I know that even -

now, when I think about
letting myself. give. up that
coldness and. ‘Start being

Why only North Shore?

. QUESTION: I went" ‘to. your
first EVENING | WITH
HAYDEN STEWART * and
plan to go again on February
25. But I want to. ask you a

- question. Why-are you doing .

these lectures on the North
Shore only?’ Why not set, up
that sort of thing somewhere
in Vancouver? {I live in
Richmond.]

STEWART: We started in
North. Vancouver because the
NORTH SHORE NEWS had
the idea and is sponsoring
the series. I like your idea
though and would be quite
happy to do the same sort of
thing in‘ other localities. One
thing ata time,

C wily,

erin mae

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friendly again, what happens

is I get ‘scared ll be into the .
sex thing again. Now can I be |
friendly again buat not beilike |
L wast: .

‘thé answer for you. -What-
you’ve. ‘told me makes sense.

only thing In the world: He's
So,.if you have got yourself- 9 still - drinking ion, We are:
into’ the ‘habit of.- freezing ue :

people off and you don’t like - having amqwiel time.
it, get started in. practising to | - .

be'warmer and more enthus- .
iastic. Allow yourself once
more-to enjoy people like you
did BEFORE your promis-
cuity era.

a. all the grucsome -
‘an awful mess we are in. The

Be in charge of yourself by thing I'm scaredest of-is that © .

creating in yourself a new Yi mot much longer be able
friendliness and warmth. But ‘to . contene “ ca loyal
also. give yourself permission supportive wife. can’
ten hat without getting into stend it. Tm so° scared, mm
sexual activity before you are give inand leave him.”
ready. ‘Who's in ch :
here? Why YOU are! So be
the way you want to be.-If
you really listen to that
Higher Self. of yours, you'll oe
be. O.K.

My column is now appear-
ing in the Richmond News,
where you live, so I'll “‘see”’
you there!

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