Bitag, §& - Sunday, April 21, 1991 - North Shore News Group greeting doesn’t have the same effect DEAR MISS MANNERS — What is Miss Manners’ opi- nion of the group greeting card, the kind that is ‘‘from the gang at Harry’s”’ or whatever? I recently signed a get-well card of this description, but sent a note of my own the next day. — know Miss Manners hates condolence cards, but whai about group canes? How can one refuse to sign one without seeming to call the others rude? What about joint gifts of flowers? Is it all right ta refuse to contribute? (Qnce I contributed meney but refused to sign the card; FE sent a condotence letter of my own.) Suppose a co-werker, who hed made it clearly known that she dislikes you, joses a relative? Is it kinder to send nothing? Since she is inevitably the sender of the group condolence card, no one is sendiag her one. GENTLE READER — Just a minute here. Before Miss Manners answers your question about indi- vidual acknowledgements, ict her see if she understands the current situation. The one person who has been tending to everyone else’s fosses is having her own bereave- ment ignored because no one else is willing to bother with the task; is that it? That is pretty mean. Miss Man- ners is not crazy about group ef- forts, preferring individual ones, as you do, but obviously the lady concerned does believe them wor- thwhile, or she wouldn’t have been organizing them. The decent thing for you to do in this case would therefore be to organize such a project, whether yor like the iady or not. In other cases, you need not participate in group cards or col- lections when you are sending your own ietter. ‘Thanks, but I think [lH write her myself’ is enough of an explanation to offer, but then Miss Manners considers you on your honor to do so. DEAR MISS MANNERS — I am in my 30s, single, with no children, and living with my fiance of iwo years. He has a child bern out of wedlock, now aged nine, who lives with his moiher. I believe we get along well, but Judith Martin | “ae A (SS MANNERS my fiance feels I'm jealous of the relationship he has with bis son. I am a teacher, so 1 work with children, I have spent money on this child for birthdays, holidays and vacations that we three take together. This child does not call to say ‘Happy birthday,’ and he does not call on any holiday. He can’t even think of me cnough to buy me 2 souvenir when he goes on a trip, but he does get one for his father. P've stopped spending my money for an ungrateful child. He calls me by my first name. What is appropriate? I don’t want to be called Mom because I'm not the child's mother. He calis the grandmother by her first name also, and used to call the father by his first name. How do i handia this situation? GENTLE READER — How about kindly? Miss Manners does not think it is either kind or smart to expect 2 nine-year-old child to treat his fa- ther’s fiancee as some kind of super-hostess toward whom he should reciprocate on an equal basis — having calculated the money she has spent on him. You need not be called Mom to hehave as a stepmother, but that is the position you are undertak- ing when you marry the child's father. Parents ¢. not grudge the thoughtfulness they extend to their children. They should expect courtesy and consideration in return — but only to the extent that they are able to teach to these children. And such teaching must follow the establishment of an = affee- tionate reiationship. Miss Manners suggesis you work on that first. And she would think it advisable, when you do start to teach the child the lesson of thinking of others, to start with someone other than yourself as an example. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My father passed away last year frum complications of lung-cancer surgery. He is survived by my mother, me, his widowed sister who lives in another part of the city, and many in-laws — because his sister’s husband was from a large family. These in-laws and friends of my aunt gave money for masses to her and not to us, which upset my mother. Mom was even more offended when my auat did net consult us about the money, but instead tock it to her church, not ours, to have masses said for Dad. I discouraged Mom from con- fronting my aunt about this, to prevent even more hard feetings. [ have been {00 upset over losing Dad to be concerned with funeral monies and masses, but i am curious about what is the proper practice. Sheuld such donations go ‘0 the surviving spouse or to the deceased’s siblings? GENTLE READER — Eti- quette does not recognize com- petitive bereavement. When someone is bereaved, that person’s friends should offer whatever comfort they can withour having to broker it through relatives whom they may not know, Miss Manners realizes that your mother may not be on her best behavior at this time. But she urges you !0 suggest gently that your father is not well-honored by having his death occasion bad feelings between his wife and his sister. 1991 WORLD TOUR TUES., MAY 7 PACIFIC COLISEUM —— | mead Wednesday’s North Shore Now for contest details and entry form oe Great? INTERIORS We’ve been making homes beautiful for 30 years Lower overhead, Lower prices * carpets © custem drapes ¢ wall coverings ¢ blinds e custaim furniture i ZY UID Res TA UR AN T an | Sal "Your Secretary HOW TO GET YOUR BOSS TO ff : TAKE YOU TO LOOPS FOR LUNCH 1. Circte Secretaries’ Week {April 22-26) on vour boss’ calendar. 2. Cut off the top of this ad and place with the moming mail. 3. Fax us your boss’ Business Card and well call to remind him about Secretaries’ Week (986 8782 fax) 4. Discuss how your boss could save money if your name is selected for Lunch at 50% off (Food only). 5. Casually mention you could win a Kelly Services “Day Off with Pay” or “Flowers by May" on your desk zach week for a month if you register at Loops during Secretaries’ Week (Draw Apri! 27) Register for prizes at Loops (PLEASE PRINT) NAME MARKET | LONSDALE QUAY | 9B6VIEW (8439) (ad Semostsn 9 pmenks CHARCOAL — LP GAS — NATURAL GAS * WEBER GENESIS * 3 long fasting steel burners ° 5 year timited warranty * 540 square inch cooking area ® One bution ingition * 36,000 BTU BROIL KING © Porceiainized cooking grids. « Glide-away warming racks ¢ Side shelves pius drop down front shelves. * Pusn-butlon automatic lighting and much more. ¢ 60,000 BTU.