i

August 5.1979 - Sunday News

-

ask hayden stewart

t.

_£ reelance Counsellor Ha yden Stewart may ‘be ‘reached at 261- 6242,
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling. His new
office in the International Plaza Hotel (Opéti Tuesda: ys only) is for the”.
convenience of North 1S hore residents,

“Guestion:: Will you a gives

_ few words that. will con-

~~ Hubby makes ‘social deals’

QUESTION: My | biishand
has aie disgusting but
seemingly innocent way of
making deals with people
even if they don’t want deals.
I don’t mean business deals.
I mean deals and bargains
within a social or friendship
or love relationship.

He continually makes
deals even with me and
despite the fact that most of
his deals are beneficial and .

' enjoyable, I don’t like them,

just because they ARE
deals. I'd like to give you an
example or two and ask-you
what you think.

‘He says, for instance,
“You worked hard on that
dinner, so I'll do the dishes.”
Or he'll say, “The Smiths had
us over the other night, so
we ought to invite them to
our place.”

and-take _ arrangements
proposed to me in this very

intimate: and. giving area of

human relations.

In a love relationship,” I
seem unable to accept the
idea that one of us. does
something FOR the other
and then awaits a topper ora
pay-off because we have

given something. I want to

feel that we don’t do things
in order to rate a return, but
simply because we want to
give. me

lam far more-interested in
the things we do with each
other than I am in the things
we do FOR each other in
order to get repaid.

Do you see what I mean?
How can I handle this
business of “deals”?

__to their home. With your .

“kids and friends,.
ESPECIALLY with © your
husband, {even in your
physical intimacies) let him

“know you are doing. things.

because you WANT to, but.
that you hate the idea-of >
doing . things because
someone_ thinks you “owe”
something. .

tribute. to: the enrichment: ‘of |

my marriage? |
STEWART: Why. sure. Here.

- are a few: trust, acceptance,

fun, sexuality, . meditation,

love, _ risk, * flexibility,

growth, enthusiasm, verve,

reality, feelings, s self, ‘health, :

Sr or nr a

Let him know exactly how
you feel when you do
something for another

person because you are told .

you “owe” it. You probably
have the feeling you are just
settling a bad debt.’ And
settling a bad debt never

. gives you the feeling that you
‘are making a gift of love or

friendship.

You'll need to be very

patient and make sure you
do not make ita big fati issue.

. STEWART:—Well,first—of

oe

yom ON aaa ee gg

yar, aes have two:things

Or, to the kids, he says
(not quite what I am going to
tell you, but here’s what it
sounds like to me.) “We've
given you board and room
for 13 years, so you mow the
lawn.” a

The area of relating, in
which his bargain-making
bothers me the most of all is"
in our physical relations. I
can’t very well describe an
example in this letter, but-
I'm sure you will be able to
get the idea of how disap-
pointed I am to have give-

Forget her pro

Think of yours...

QUESTION: I have a friend
who has seemingly become
obsessed with the question
of health. No matter what
the subject of conversation,
she soon steers it around to
vitamins or exercise or
medications or doctors or

some one or other of the .

numerous ailments she has
overcome or is about to
conquer. Vl say this for her;
she has made an enviable
improvement in her health,
and she is ALWAYS positive
about what she has to say.

ay oi

Firat, she Is deadeningly
boring and. second, she
continuously tries to enlist
me in whatever new program
she Is into. Some of her
friends are avoiding her.now
because they have the same
two complaints I have.
Others in our crowd are

Scared of

QUESTION: 'To my great
surprise, I was scared stiff of
Skylab. Were you?

STEWART: Not at all. My
fears have to do with bigger
things. Getting hit by 80 tons
of metal doesn’t scare me a
bit. I think I would hardly

. nice

= whee, Rew-found ..
ae er eet sa OF ‘ormingan-=
@ away that is difficult for

all, choose not to get sucked
into making deals. That is,
don’t allow yourself to
permit ‘deals’ in your way of
thinking. You will need
verbally to translate your
husband’s deals into
something else in such a way
that he will gradually come
to understand your attitude: .

Let him know that he has a
good idea — that you would
LIKE to have the .Smiths
over, but that you don’t feel
comfy about having them
BECAUSE they invited you

joking about her behind her
back.

I'm afraid she is going to
end up with a very few
friends and it's a shame
because she really is such a
person. Is there
anything you think of that I
can do to help her with her
problem?

STEWART: Let's forget her
problem and think of yours.
You have a good friend,

you to handle. Simply let her
know that while you are
delighted over her progess
and hopeful that she will
continue in it, you are also,
al times, worn down by her
repeatedly talking about it.
Be kind enough to her to let
her know that some others of

Skylab

notice tt — if it wore a dead-
on hit. No, it’s more im-

portant things that frighten -

me — like perhaps missing a
parking ‘Place, or hurting
somcone's feclings by giving
a flip answer to a question
(like yours) that just may be
profoundly important to the
questioner.

It-will be helpful i ee to:
it that in your giving, you ‘are
good at taking the initiative
in- giving soon enough
(before your husband gets it
into his head that he’d better
encourage you by proposing
a deal).

_He might possibly change.
But forget about trying to
bring about the change in
him. Let him propose deals if
he needs to, but be sure they
are HIS deals and that yoar
responses are loving gifts,
not pay-offs. It is all up to

you.

her friends seem to be
feeling thé same way you do.

Then, why not suggest to
her that it would be more fun
for you (and probably for
her) if she were to share her
good news with you about

“once every two or three

weeks, rather than over-
emphasizing it as she does.
Let her know that she could
be a real help to you if she
were to put her mind to it.

Let her know that you are,

losin out, Qn

aspectoak he I
tet you be good friends "and
that you don’t want that
trend to continue because it

would be a ‘aye you.
Do NOT criticize her new

interest, but rather confess
your difficulty in dealing
with the manner in which
she shares it, and ask her to
help you. O.K.?

LEAVING
A TRAIL?

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patience, poached~ salmon,
honesty, vulnerability,
giving, compassion, and
change. Here abideth these
36 and the greatest o of them} is
LOVE.

You asked for a few words
and there they are. I know, I

know, you did not’ invite me,
nor did you expect me to

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simply j give you, a list. ‘But
_why_not go.over-those words-
carefuily to see if there are

too many of them-in which
‘you do not rate a. passing .

grade? If you find some; do’:
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