E HURT each other ways. ual abuse is one of the ways. If the national figures hold true for the North Shore, one in four females will be sexually abused by age 18 and one in six males will be abused during the same period. The criminal prosecution of an abuser may acknowledge vic- timization, but it fails to address the need for emotional support re- quired by the sexual assault victim. For the past four years, North Shore Family Services Society (NSFSS) has offered counselling and support groups for women who are sexual abuse survivors and for sexually-abused adolescent girls. Entry to the support programs may be by way of self-referral or referral through a number of sources, including police, Crown counsel, the Ministry of Social Services and Housing, native bands, public health and schoot nurses and other North Shore Family Services Society counsellors. 26-year-old North Shorz resident is one of approxi- Mmately 90 “J women who S has benefited eee from the NSFSS support pro, . She had been the victim of an % abuse gather By MICHAEL BECKER News Reporter incestuous relationship with her brother. The relationship resulted in a sexual problem for her as a mar- ried adult, which jeopardized the continued viability of her relation- ship with her husband. Said the woman: ‘‘I found in- tercourse really painful. 1 didn’t want anything to do with sex. At first 1 thought it was a medical problem. I had sought help medi- cally from dcrtors and had a lot of people work:ag with se over a number of years. It just wasn’t relieving the problem. “] knew I'd had this incestuous relationship with my brother, but it was never identified as sexual abuse. And even though I had made doctors very aware of what the relationship was, they never used the term sexual abuse. Their treatment for me was sexual exer- cises with my husband — very bizarre things that just weren't relieving the problem. “When I came to Anna (Anna Luckyj, NSFSS community family worker), and I told what this rela- tionship with my brother was, immediately she said that I had been sexually abused. It was in a way like a relief. It was like some- body had finally diagnosed it and had given me some answer that made sense,’”’ she said. The NSFSS program has also helped a 38-year-old North Shore mother of two come to terms with her past. The woman was also in- volved in an incestuous relation- to heal ship with her brother. She disclosed the relationship to her parents, but they didn't believe her. “The main reason this came to a head was that I had pretty well denied that this had ever happen- ed, because no one ever believed me. My daughter was of the age that I was when it happened to me. Tne thought that it could happen to her just blew me away,’ the woman said. ° 2 ustering the courage to join the counselling support group was the most difficult deci- ~ sion of her life. _ “«] don’t know if I had thought that the people had horns or what. It sounds weird, but I didn’t know what to expect. But it’s helped me sort through a lot of things. It got me on the right track. To push something like that down for so many years is really, really tough. The big thing for me was that somebody believed me.’’ The victim's emotional response to abuse often patterns the response to death. NSFSS sexual abuse counsellor Wendy Chandler said the stages include denial, anger, sadness, plea bargaining and resolution. The difficulty victims have in finding people who will believe their stories is a major impediment to attempting to regain emotional equilibrium. Chandler recently saw a client, who is in her mid-30s. The woman reveaied that she had been sexually Chandler 3 - Friday, March 10, 1989 - North Shore News NEWS photo Mike Wakotiaid NORTH SHORE Family Services Society sexual abuse counsellor Wendy meets with a client in her office. Chandler and fellow counseilors at the non-profit United Way agency offer counselling sup- port services to North Shore families. abused by her father over an eight-year period. School counsellors and teachers suggested she was psychotic. Said Chandler: ‘‘Her father and her family doctor were quite good friends. The dad took her to the doctor saying she needed help, knowing full well that he had been sexually abusing her. A psychiatrist said she was psychotic. That’s not an unusual story. For more information about NSFSS counselling and support for sexually abused adolescent girls and adult survivors of sexual abuse, contact North Shore Family Services Society at 988-5281. Mien learn alternatives to violence NEWS photo Terry Peters THE NORTH Shore Family Services Society's Alternatives To Violence For Men group support program is one of five such programs offered in the province. David McSherry, community family counsellor, leads group counselling and support meetings for men who threaten or resort to physical or emotional violence against their partners. 4 HERE is a am resource available in the com- munity to help heal men abuse and batter. David McSherry, North Shore Family Services Society (NSFSS) community family counsellor, leads group counselling and sup- port meetings for men who threaten or resort to physical or emotional violence against their partners. The group meets for 12 con- secutive weeks. The goal is for participants to develop safe and constructive alternatives to vio- lence. Men are encouraged to take responsibility for their behavior. The four most common forms of abuse addressed in the groups are physical, psychological, sexual, and damage to property. Common to all is the creation of an at- mosphere of fear and intimidation. Seventy per cent of the approx- imately 100 men who have worked through the NSFSS program, in the five years it has been offered on the North Shore, have themselves been victims of violence or observers of domestic violence as children. Said McSherry: ‘‘Self-esteem is a problem. Often part of what we're trying to do is develop a better sense of self so they don’t have to force their own way. We work on anger-control skills, assertiveness, dealing with their own intense feel- ings of any kind such as sadness, fear and rejection.”’ For many, the group is the first By MICHAEL BECKER’ News Reporter safe place the participants have to honestly speak about their feelings. The social baggage of learned behavior dictating that strong men hide their weak emotions is often difficult to discard. ow lan, 42, at- ee ei tends a weekly discussion group which is ‘4% held on an ongoing basis for men who ciineienammne have completed the 12-week program. “For the most part I was a ver- bal abuser. I had been getting pro- gressively worse. One night I choked my wife,’’ he said. ‘‘The choking was the first physical out- burst. I brought horne a lot of problems and I was often uncon- trollably angry. During that time I also ruined a couple of relation- ships with men.”’ Alan's family doctor recom- mended he see a psychiatrist to address his anger problem. But after 1% years he found he was making no real progress. The NSFSS program was recommended to him and he joined. “Listening to a group of people with exactly the same problems is reassuring. You realize that your life isn’t the only one on the edge of space. Once you make this bond with the other fellows, the em- phasis is on the fact that you can talk things out. “You do have to own up to the others. They don’t let you slide. Anger is a handicap. You always t have to work on it. That's where the group comes in,”’ he said. Alan has managed to salvage his 15-year marriage. » aid McSherry, ‘Men have to look at themselves and start helping themselves. Women are miles ahead to supporting when it themselves. Men have to stop looking to women and redefine themselves for themselves in non- violent ways. For me that’s a per- sonal as well as professional comes issue."’ McSherry said the men who abuse represent all waiks of life but tend to fall into the early 20s to late 40s age category. Approximately 40 per cent of the group’s participants have been charged with assault and are ordered to attend the sessions. Fear of losing a wife or partner, a realization that the negative behavior must change, or seeing the pattern of control through anger developing in their own children provides the motivation for others. As part of the initial assessment of participants, the victim of the abuse is interviewed for her point of view. Her personal safety is assessed and support is offered in the form of a counselling group. The NSFSS Alternatives To Vio- lence Fo: Men support program is one of five, such programs avail- able in Bx?” For more information call North Shore Family Services Society. at 988-5281.