46 ~ Wednesday, February 10, 1988 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

SISTER'S BOYFRIEND MEANS TROUBLE

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Q. MY SISTER broke off with her boyfriend and now he
Joves me and i love him. Should I listen to him and be his
girlfriend, and if I did, how could I tell my sister? My sister
says she still loves him, but I think she is mistaken.

A. You think she is mistaken,
but unless I am mistaken there is
not much thinking going on with
the three of you, unless the man
thinks i¢ would be fun to have both
sisters crazy about him and to
make big trouble.

In human history it often has
happened that a guy fell for a girl
and fell for her sister, too. This
has caused a lot of trouble between
sisters. The situation is not always
avoidable, but only  bad-acting
sisters leap at it.

Dr. ‘Ruth

Dr, Ruth Westheimer |

1 think the best bet is not to tell
. her. — and tell: the guy that it is
easy. for anybady. to fall for
‘anybody and ‘hard to undo the
‘harm that comes. of acting rashly
--on_ an- impulse. If. he loves you,
‘what i is the hutry? .

“OTF this is really. love, you. and the
guy can wait and later.on you can

tell -your sister,’ “when she has Jost - §

cher ‘interest in him, that after a
“Jong wait you two have decided it’s
love,: not just: an
urge.

_Y:Maybe by ther she “will” Rave ..
‘another... boyfriend - and‘ will’ wish,
you well, or wonder-what you see’:

irresponsible

don’t use much, because it isn't
much help. A guy who thinks he is
impotent usually loses his ability to
make love. When I get a question
like yours, my first thought is that
his problem is one of personality,
not a physical problem.

When a man brings this problem
to my office, sometimes | send him
to a urologist. The problem may
be medical, to be dealt with by a
change in medication or something
like that. Often the urologist says
that there is no physical problem,
but something. has gone wrong
with the man’s self-confidence. ._

The human male has a brain and
a soul and is not purely a physical
creature. This should make him
proud, not ashamed, but: often
even a very intellectual man has to
be convinced that he needs some
help with sex — cither from the
woman who shares sex with him or
from a professional helper. Help is
available. You can go to the

| COMPACT VACUUM

_.in that has-been? Maybe she will be "|

. mad: — ‘but:.at. least both, of you
will know your. love for each other
. has stood ‘the test, of time. If you

” wait awhile,’ all. ‘three: of you will:
outlive this crazy. love: epidemic i in ©

; your neighborhood. ’
Q. i am 59 and. my wife is 56.

Recently something: bad has hap- .
pened, all my: fault, but I don’t .

know. what. to do. Suddenly I
became impotent. I have several
erections a night but can’t main-
tain them long enough to have in-
tercourse. My wife doesn’t deserve
this and I would not blame her if,
she were to leave me, but it would

. ; Kill me. wa,

AL Hold it! You are going too fast.
_ Your wife is not going to leave
you. I don’t care whether you have
been: married: 40. years or one —
’ she is not going to:up and leave a

--Ian-who shows as much love and -

concern as you do. A woman does
“ not throw away a good man unless

there is something much more : ,
basically wrong: with you than a-
temporary loss of lovemaking abil-'

: ity.
You: are right’ to be concerned,

and to seek help. What you need is ©

to stand apart and see your. situa-
tion as one that happens in most

marriages at some time. 1 get ques- .

tions like yours again. and again.
The man’s ability to take part in
sex isa delicate thing. A man
. Suddenly. thinks he is *‘impotent’’.

7 o"avword that’ we: sex ‘therapists *”

[ HOOVER:

Introduces
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nearest hospital or call up and ask
for a reputable sex therapist. Or
you can first try something at
home. This can work and is worth
trying.

You can talk to your wife and
say that it has panicked you that
you might fail her as a lover. Tell
her that in every marriage, there
comes a time when the man ‘'can’t
make it.'" And once the man
begins to worry about that, he will
not be able to make it again. He
has to get back on the track, and
to do that he has to stop worrying.

To do this, you must take the
pressure out of lovemaking. When
the worried lover no longer has to
have an erection, when he and his
woman can give pleasure without

having intercourse, he can lose his

PRE

into relat

anxiety about ‘‘performing."’ And
his ability to perform comes back.
I suggest that you give each
other all the tender words and ca-
resses you can without trying to
“have sex.’ This will bring on
many an erection and will arouse
her — but let those aroused desires
subside. Just enjoy the
preliminaries. They are pleasant in
themselves, yet forgotten by many
in their anxiety to ‘‘perform.”’
Sometimes you can give orgasms
to your wife with whatever tech-
niques you use other than inter-
course. If you become very arous-
ed, let it pass. But go back, on the
next occasion, to non-orgasmic in-
timacy.. Through this technique
you may very weil get into such a
relaxed state of mind that you

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can, on some occasion, maintain
an erection and once again have
intercourse.

This is well worth trying, but
keep the pressure at a minimum.
You should both have in mind that
you can go to a sex therapist and
get guidance in finding the way to
teach mutual pleasure through in-
tercourse. Knowing that help is
available may help you to regain
the pleasures you both have shared
in the past,

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