Doug Collins

‘ 1

THERE WAS a story in
the papers the other day
about the Anglican parson
who had been to heaven.
He was Dr. Percy Collett,
who hails from Florida,
and who at 84 years of age
must be pretty close to go-
ing there for good. But his
short tour seemed wor-
thwhile. Even better than
for commies going to the
USSR.

Dr. Collett told his wide-eved
audience in Burnaby that heaven
is a planet. It can't be too far
away, either, because it took him
only six hours to get there. He
passed through an outer perime-
ter of fire and cloud, he said, and
as soon as he got out of the bus
or whatever it was he was travel-
ling in, danced with his mother
ona sea of glass.

Jesus, the Virgin) Mary and
other notables were there, but he
didn’t say he danced with them.
(It's my guess they never dance
with parsons.)

Well, | have been to heaven,
too. It happened after I'd kneck-
ed back a few glasses of South
African brandy. All of a sudden
(as we used to say in our school
essays) | heard this voice, And it
said: ‘‘Doug, you've been
fighting the forces of Satan too
hard. How about a little trip to

Seniors
receive
grants

TWO NORTH Shore groups will
use $23,874 in federal New
Horizons program) grants for
community projects.

A grant of $17,874 has been
awarded to the North Shore
Wellness Group to initiate three
Keep Well programs on the North
Shore — Upper Lonsdale, Lower
Lonsdale and West Vancouver.

Weekly workshops will enable
seniors to share information and
fight exercise. Blood pressure sta-
tions, weight, relaxation and
health-related lectures will also be
featured.

The centres will be staffed by
trained senior volunteers.

The Van Fund-Raising Commit-
tee of West Vancouver will use its
$6,000 grant to modify a van to
allow full wheelchair accessibility.

The van will be used to transport
seniors to various existing pro-
grams at the West Van Seniors
Centre as well as for day trips and
outings to museums, botanical
gardens and city tours.

Sixty-three seniors groups in the
province received a total of
$346,170 in funds under the New
Horizons program this month.

New Horizons is a program of
the Department of National Health
and Welfare, Minister Jake Epp,
which funds projects by groups of
seniors enabling them to remain
active and involved in their com-
munity.

The Vancouver office is located
at 104-1525 West 8th Avenue,
Vancouver, B.C., V6J 1TS5, tele-
phone 666-2729.

@ vel this straight @

heaven?”

Before f§ had a chance to
answer, |owas in this beautiful
limousine that steered right: into
the air over Grouse Mountain,
The car was equipped with a bar,
and the beautiful female driver
told me to help myself. Which |
did, discovering right away that
heaven's South African brandy
was even better than the stuff 1
had been sipping previously.

My new friend told me that
heaven has no. sanctions, and
uses only the best of the products
of the grape. You can even get
Russian vodka there, it's cheap,
too, because there’s nothing
cheaper than free.

“In my father’s house,’ it is
stated in the Bible, ‘‘there are
many mansions.’' Well, } can tell
that that book wasn’t: kidding.
My mansion had more rooms
than Buckingham Palace and
there was a bar in every one. No
dope, though, Dope is frowned
on in heaven, which was OK by
me since | never touch the stuff,

There isn’t any religion, cither,
As the Archangel Gabriel told
me, “religion is the opium of the
people’. Sounded a bit strange
to me, until | saw that Gabriel
looked a bit like Karl Marx, who
is no longer a commie, but can't
forget the old cliches.

Anyway, [| couldn’t quarrel
with Karl/Gabriel’s thesis that
religion isn't all it’s cracked up to
be. These days, for instance, you

HUMBERSTON EDWARDS |
fine ant

don't have to be a Catholic ta be
a Catholic, nora Christan to be
a Christian. Ask the United
Church. Ask the Angticans.

One of the best things about
heaven as that there are no taxes,
How they keep the joint going |
don't know, but there are no
Michael Wilsons putting another
cent on gasoline and dunning
people for billions for foreign
aid. And there are no Brian
Mulroneys kissing any Robert
Mugabes.

That could) be because
Mulroney, Mugabe and other
people like that will never get in-
to heaven, its immigration cules
being somewhat Uughter than
ours, If you don't drink South
African wine, for instance, you
can't even get a tourist visa.
Which makes sense when you
think about it. If they let in the
Mulroneys, Clarks, Broadbents
and Turners, heaven would to
longer be heaven.

There’s no bilingualism, either.
As the Boss told me right off, if
English was good enough for
Him, it should be good enough
for everyone else. If everyone
spoke English, He said, things
would be much simpler and
there’d be more money for
defence. Because — and this may
surprise you — heaven has an
army. If God has no sword, said
God, the devil's forces would
march in and ninch all the liquor.

In heaven, women are women
and men are men. There are no
in-betweens, and consequently no
need for what we call ‘sexual
orientation’® laws. ‘‘Never heard
of such nonsense,”’ said God.
“What say men that bam?"

Unlike Dr. Collett, { didn’t
dance with my old Mom on a sea
of glass, out J did see her puffing
away on a cigarette without being
told to butt out.

According to God, heaven is
what you make it.

PRESENTS
AN EXHIBITION AND SALE
OF RECENT PAINTINGS |

BY

KARL WOOD

MEET THE ARTIST

SATURDAY MARCH 7th, 1987
FROM 10:00 AM to 5:30 PM

THIS IS THE ARTIST'S
FIRST MAJOR EXHIBITION IN VANCOUVER
IN 5 YEARS AND CONTINUES UNTIL MARCH 21st

{1360 MARINE DRIVE, WEST VANCOUVER, B.C. |

TELEPHONE (694) 922-7984

9 - Friday, March 6, 1987 - North Shore News

Man faces assault charge

AN ASSAULT charge will be laid
in connection with an incident in
Horseshoe Bay where a 10-year-old
boy was slapped on the head,

West Vancouver Police said the

boy suffered a bleeding nose in the
incident, which occurred March 1
at 12:45 p.m. on Royal Avenice.

Police said a 40-year-old White
Rock man will be charged.

Dr. W.R. McKoberts

is pleased to announce
Dr. W. Patrick McRoberts
has joined him in his

Practice of Optometry

1031 MARINE DRIVE (AVALON HOTEL BUILDING)

NORTH VANCOUVER V7P 1S6

987-1929