42 - Wednesday, September 14, 1988 - North Shore News Q. I TOLD my boyfriend how a certain woman was being taken for granted by her husband. He said, ‘‘Married peopic should be able to take each other for granted. That's what you get married for."’ Well, we had a rous- ing fight about it. I certainly never want to be taken for granted. He doesn’t seem to get it. How can I explain without starting the fight up again? I’m crazy about this guy, but this has turned into a great big Issue, with a capital EI for Ir- ritating. A. If you don’t let yourself get mad, maybe he won’t. And there is no reason for you to get mad, because what he said was nice and shows he thinks marriage has something desirable about it. But you and he were talking about dif- ferent things. He doesn’t want to be worried ail the time that you will stop lov- ing him, or for you to be worried that he will get up and walk out on you for no reason. He sees a good marriage as be- ing dependable and stable. You won't turn off to him forever because he comes home angry and silent once in a while or forgets an anniversary. He doesn’t have to think, if you do get mad at him, that it’s Splitsville. You don’t have to think that if he catches you once not looking like a prom queen that he thinks, ‘Ha! That’s what she really looks like! | married a wreck.” You can let yourself have a cold, a red nose and lifeless hair. On top of a cold, who needs to worry about divorce? But you are right, that he should remember to be nice to you, and not forget forever the nice speeches, little presents and grooming he went in for when he was wooing you. He shouldn’t stop because you fell for the bait once and walked into his trap. Marriage should combine reality and prettiness. Picture this: you are tired, damp and grimy from cleaning your little home, and he walks in with armloads of stuff for the party and looks at you as if you were a newly opened rose. And then he hands you one — a newly opened rose. Similarly, you treat him, at reg- Dr. Ruth Ruth Westheimer ular intervals, the way he likes to be treated — like a movie star, a hero and a pillar of strength. Make a note to do this more than once a week, and let him do the same for you. You can explain without getting into a fight with him. You can write him a note saying you see what he meant, and this is what you meant. Or if you want to, clip this out and show it to him. Q. A friend of mine from overseas tells me that the cervical cap she uses now instead of her diaphragm is terrific and permits more pleasure during intercourse. Ts this true, and what is wrong with it (hat we don’! have it here? Or, should I say, what is wrong with us? A. I have to skip over the ‘‘what is wrong’’ parts of your question and get to the cervical cap. For a variety of reasons the FDA only recently approved this contracep- tive device. By the end of this year it will be available to American women, it is a barrier contraceptive device, like the condom and the Smoke Shop Special Warning Health ond Welfare Canada ad- vises that danger to health increases with amount smcked avoid inholing diaphragm. That means it keeps the sperm from passing into the uterus to fertilize the egg. The cer- vical cap has been in use in other countries for some time, and it suits some women. They praise it highly, saying that it does allow greater sexual pleasure. Other women say it is too hard to put in place, compared with the diaphragm. For reliability as contraception, it is said to be comparable to the diaphragm, which is larger. Women will have to be fitted for one by a doctor, as with the diaphragm, and for best results they should follow the doctor’s in- structions carefully when using it. While trying it and getting used to it the woman will be wise to in- sist that her partner continue using a condom in case something is bungled. Not everyone who tries it will stay with it. Q. You made the point a while back that sexual fantasy blocks out negative or interruptive trains of thought such as office worries and lets one concentrate on giving and receiving pleasure. Are you saying that people don’t actually use specific sexual fan- tasies for arousal? Fantasies such as sex with someone other than one’s real bedmate? A. That I never said, but | have often warned against sharing such fantasies with that bedmate, because she or he might not like it at all. Even though she or he reserves the right to do the same thing. Some couples share fan- tasies, because they have become sure that the other enjoys it, and that it is pleasurable for both of them. But as a rule, you have a right to privacy inside your head. Fantasy does serve to arouse and, at the same time, block out intrusive images. Many people fantasize automatically, without deliberation. We have to unders- tand that human sexuality lives largely in the brain. Since confu- sion also lives there, there is a lot of confusion about fantasy and how it works. It happens that some people, and women guite often, do not get much out of imagining specific sexual scenes or events. These people are much better served by generalized streams of sensuality they call into their heads “Export A” and “Export Light" in Regular or King Size, 20's or 25's Prices Effective (while quantities last) Til! September 17, 1988 Stock Up Now On Canadian 8rand Cigarettes NORTH VAMCOUVIR CARH ANO MALL Wuncagear 188 0144 Sordayam 3 Yor Sunaay tan Spm SURRET GUROF ONG fOwnN CINtHE TO4th Awe. ESB $1 Surrey $88 7743 Sam Fem mate Singae Th Sp than by mental movies of bodies or of lurid situations. It has helped some of my clients to be told this, because otherwise DR. coupie they thought they were required by the laws of existence to think up things that were of no interest to them in order to enjoy sex. NANCY CROSSEN will be on maternity leave from Sept. 12 to Nov. 28th, 1988 Dr. Mary Ramsey will be in the office during this time Office hours as usual FRIENDSHIPS AT EVERY TURN - Asocial game for allages - Meet new friends - (reat exercise HOLLYBURN COUNTRY CLUB 950 Crosscreek Road P.O. Box 91640 West Vancouver, B.C. V7V 3P3 Phone 922-0161 Registration Sept. 16 Curling School Sept. 19-20-21 or NORTH SHORE WINTER CLUB 4325 East Keith Road, North Vancouver, B.C. V7J 1J3 Phone 985- 4135 Curling School Sept. 26-29 — Curling Open Oct. 3 FACILITIES & SERVICES EXCLUSIVELY FOR WOMEN (Aerobics & No Bounce Aerobics Daily (1 Relaxing Whirlpoot ( Soothing Sauna CO Lifecyctes & Fan Bikes (] Weight Training Equipment U Private Showers and Dressing Booths ( Cushioned Wood Floors (1 Free Weights (2 And much, much more!! 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