C12-Wednesday, November 12, 1980 - North Shore News QUESTION: All my adult life } have felt that it is a terrible and almost unforgiveable thing for a man to walk out on his wile and leave the marriage. | have always felt that even ff things are very bad in the marriage be should stick with {1 and work things through. fm afraid I have been very critical of people who walk out on their e. Well now I am faced with handling these life-long feelings when my own marriage has become hardly worth continuing. I have decided to call it quits, but I am terribly upset about it because of my long-time convictions. I stil] feel that a vow is a vow. But I also feel I should never have made my vows. Now what can I do? If I stay with it, I know I'll feel very unhappy and almost Can't get QUESTION: Nine weeks ago | experienced what for me was a real tragedy and it continues to be a tragedy. | am devastated over the death of my dear white cat that has been with me for eight years. I got her when she was a tiny kitten and have loved her and cared for her all those years. I'm a little embarrassed to say so, but Merline was really my best friend and she its no more. You can't just shrug off such a loss. I've been told to grow up and I've been told, “After all, it was only a cat,” and some people have even said, “Get yourseli another cat.” All those comments are stupid and callous. Don't you agree? No matter what you say, the fact remains that I simply cannot get over losing Merline. Can ashamed of myself for not doing what I truly want to do about it. Hf ] leave, I'm afraid rl be haunted by guilt - perhaps for years and years. Ive been married 12 years. But I should never have gone through with it. It was a mistake. I am open to suggestions and would appreciate learning how you think J should deal with my problem. STEWART: Be grateful the decision is difficult for you. It suggests you are not without feeling and want to do what is best. In a matter that you consider so vitally important, it ts vital that you give yourself complete freedom to take your time and think it through very carefully. In fact it would be wise for you to promise yourself NOT to come to a decision for a certain period of time, even if the picture becomes more over cat’s you understand? I just can't treat it lightly. STEWART: I! can. un- derstand the sense of what you have written, but it leaves me with very few options for a response. You've got it settled. You say, clearly, that you can't get over it. So that's that. Even if you were to say, “It’s HARD for me to get over it,” you would leave yourself a possibility. But you are saying,“I can't.” That traps you. It’s closer to the truth that you WON'T get over it. You can you know. But you WON'T. Why won't you? You must be getting something out of acung as you are. What is it? You CAN end your way of acting and you WILL someday, but meanwhile, why are you clear to you. Feeling that you don’t HAVE to decide just yet, will help you think more Clearly. Another suggestion (which IJ find difficult to put into words) has to do with your going “Up” or “Down” on the scale of life qualities when you make a decision to end your marriage, or when you decide to give more to it. Lf you walk out on your marriage, will that seem to you a move toward your fulfillment as a human being. death saying you CAN'T? Has it anything to do with your placing Merline on your BEST FRIEND pedestal? Perhaps you chose to depend on a cat rather than learning how to be a frend ESTHETIC CARE *Deep Pore Cieansing «Rejuvenating Treatments ePersonahzed Make up tessons & apphcatons *Eye Lash & Brow Tints *Manicures Pedicures 4? Waoung Gift Certificates available Phone: 985-6616 146 West 15th, N.Van. QUILTS remaDOWN DOUBLE QUEEN FROM THE WORLD'S LARGEST MANUFACTURER OF DOWN QUILTS. DOWN "N UNDER 2186 W. 4th AVE, B.C. mort PARK ROYAL SOUTH, WEST VAN., V7T 1A2 V6K 1N6 $149 $199 $229 736-1828 “= 926-2821 Doing the ‘unforgettable’ ask hayden stewart Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242 for appointments for individual, family or group counselling His office in the International Plaza Hotei (Open Tuesdays only) ts for the convenience of North Shore residents. or will it seem to be a move toward your own down- grading of yourself? If, by leaving your wife, or by staying with her, you feel like you are going downhill to a quality of living that is not what you want, then, of course, avoid that action like the plague. The main thing right now is to SLOW DOWN. Give yourself full permission to delay decision while you think and feel your way into rewarding decisiveness. to PEOPLE and _ learning how to give fnendship to people. Do what you have been avoiding. and your NEXT cat will have an enjoyable place in your life, bul a more appropniate one. 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