18 - Wednesday, March 2, 1988 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

TRUTH MEANS TAKING RISKS

Lover not ready tor commit:

Q. The woman I am seeing
is a little older than I am,
but we get along well and I
do find her attractive.

I enjoy sex with her, as she does
with me. She is more interested in
a commitment than I am, aft my
stage of life. I don't want to hurt
her, but the fact is that her assum-
ing that we have a Jong future
ahead of us as a couple worries
me. Is this a way of pressuring me
that she is using?

A. Tcan’t really see that from
here, but it is quite possible that
she is waving signs of being serious
in front of you in order to push
you one way or the other, instead
of coming right out and asking you
for a commitment. Maybe she
wants you to make up your mind,
because she would not mind if you
did decide to join futures with her,
but for her time seems to be runn-
ing out.

It is also possible that she wants
a commitment from you so much
that she is sure you want it too,
but just don’t realize it. Lovers of
both sexes delude themselves that
way very often. What we waut to

“ke be true has to be true, until we get
hit on the head with the facts.

You have to ask yourself. this:
Are you being fair? Are you sure
you-aren’t enjoying her. in bed' for
the. time’ being, with no idea
whatever of g.ving her what a
woman of her age probably wants?
I mean, are you wasting. her time?
You aren’t a viliain until you start
deluding her intentionally — but
right now is probably time to cut
that out.

You have to talk to her. It is the
only: fair thing. 1 think the thrust

. of your talk has. to be that you
L ; think she is terrific but at your
‘ _ Stage” of. development, Helen of
“Troy, and Queen of Sheba and
Meryl Streep all. rolled into one
». could not overcome your uncer-
' tainty ‘about giving up your
: freedom ‘right now. This risks her
for _ telling you to’ move on and let her
. oy ' " get-on with more serious things,
an "put. you’ have to do it. Console
. yourself with this — the way things
; _© are, you are worrying too much to
Lor be pefectly happy with her.

- 'Q. Nothing I can: do raises my

re .- wife's ‘interest in or ‘response to
yo '.,$ex, She permits, it readily but will
not consider any improvement, nor
anny discussion of. the’ purely
2 . " passive: participation.
‘ : , Drought home well-known sex

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I have

manuals as well as crotic materials.
She throws them out. She won't
discuss it with me or consider sex
therapy. Nor will she permit me to
stimulate her ciitorally. I'm
stymied.

A. If you tried all.those things,
and have been careful to listen to

ask
Dr. Ruth

Ruth Westheimer

her and discuss any problems she
has with housework or her job or
your attitude toward her, if you
have wooed her with great atten-
tion and husbandly consideration
and she will still only participate
passively, I suggest that you just
enjoy yourself with her and let her

worry about her own sexual
pleasure.

And even if she won't listen to
you perhaps she'll listen to Dr.
Ruth. Because so many people
have similar problems, | have put
together a pamphlet, How to Im-
prove Your Sex Life. Maybe she'll
read this! To obtain a copy, send
$1! and a self-addressed, stamped
legal-sized envelope to Dr.
Ruth/How to Improve your Sex
Life, P.O. Box. Box 19709, Irvine,

Calif., 92713-9709.

Q. We were going to get married
but we broke up over redecorating
our future home. She owned the
house and it was time to redecorate
it. It came to her in her divorce
agreement. We both looked for-
ward to doing it together, but this

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immediately became a battlefield.

She wanted to redecorate but in
the same style as before — perhaps
she wanted to keep her ex in the
house that way. Anyway, the
arguments became bitter and we
split up. Could two people who
were really in love fall out of love
over wallpaper?

A. Two people might be in love
but not be compatible — that can
happen.

One possibility is that your fian-
cee realized that this marriage idea
was an error and she chose the
wallpaper as the thing to use to
end the engagement. That might
have seemed easier than telling you
she had changed her mind for this
reason or that, and casier than
admitting she had made a big
mistake.

HOOVER:

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