42 - Wednesday, February 19, 1992 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES Fears paralyze widower Q. I AM a widower who has had little sexual experience something else must be wrong in outside marriage. My wife died suddenly last year a few days shy of her 40th birth- day. We'd been together since high school. Now I am seeing a woman whom IE suspect also has had little sexual experience. She is a warm and caring person; and I want to make love to her. Tam afraid to try. What if I do something wrong and thus scare her off the idea of having sex with me? Or what if in my ignorance I am unable to be the kind of skili- ed lover I think she might need? Please tell me how to prepare for the first time so it isn't the lasi. A. My advice to you is: Hurry and make love to her before she gets tired of waiting and finds somcone else! If it will make you feel bettez to be prepared, read Alex Comfort’s The Joy of Sex and Dr. Ruth’s Guide to Good Sex. You might also want to read some erotic fiction to put yourself in the mood. Then stop worrying so much about making everything perfect the first time. . Relax. Enjoy touching and kiss- ing and holding each other. Let sex happen. You don’t have tc ~ make all the right moves the first time. If you are tender and gentle and ‘caring, you won’t scare her away. Also, it is possible she isn’t as inexperienced and easily frighten- ed as you fear. Q. When [ got married three years ago I never would have guessed I°d be writing to you as a sexually dissatisfied wife. T am only 24 but feel like a middle-aged woman sometimes. When we were dating, my hus- band could have two ejaculations Dr. Ruth Westheimer ASK DR. RUTH during lovemaking. He lasted long enough that way to satisfy me. But shortly after the wedding things changed. He can’t ejaculate twice in one evening now. I try to get him started making love earlier in the evening in the hopes we can get things back to the way they were, but he com- plains. He says he doesn’t like to walk in the door and kave to start pleasing me. What can I do? A. Many people, women as well as men, need some time alone after work. They can’t just walk in the door and start making love! And it is not reasonable to ex- pect a man to be capable of hav- ing two” ejaculations during a lovemaking session for the rest of his life! The issue is not really how many times your husband can ejaculate. He can satisfy you through oral or manual stimula- tion no matter when or how often he has an orgasm himself. I think your marriage. If you were sitting here with me, | could ask a fot of questions to discover what the trouble may be. So I suggest a counsellor for you or both of you. Q. Recently my wife discovered { am having an affair with another woman. It is the second in a long marriage, though she never found out about the first one. I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife! But she is furious with me. When she asked me about the other woman, I lied and said she was a slut who meant nothing to me. In truth, she is a co-worker, a very decent and likable woman. | feel like a jerk for lying. It has demeaned both of them. I don’t know what to do. My wife would never uncerstand how I could have genuine feelings for two people at the same time. Nonetheless, I am willing to give up this other woman to save my marriage, What can I say fo my wife now? She didn’t buy the slut story. A. You should not have de- meaned the other woman in an at- tempt to get yourself off the hook! Of course your wife didn't believe you. I am glad she didn’t. I have more respect for her than I would have had if she’d accepted your story. Tell her the truth and ask her to see a marriage counsellor with you. Promise to give up the affair if she will give you one more chance. But don’t tell her about the first affair. There is no point in hurting her further by un- burdening your conscierce over — that issue at this time. Good luck and let me know what happens. Sex education lectures offered chilren’s sexual development, says Bell. She adds that the more infor- mation children have about sex when they are young, the better NORTH SHORE Family Services Society is offering a lecture that is aimed at helping parents educate their children about sexual health. Parents who've been confronted by a curious youngster wanting to know where babies come from know how intimidating that inno- cent question can be. _ Alice Bell, a registered nurse and mother with extensive family _ planning experience, will offer helpful suggestions about speaking to.children about sex education during a lecture titled ‘‘Where Do - Babies Come From,’’ which runs on Tuesday, March 3 from 7:30 to 9:30 p.m. at Carson Graham Sec- ondary School, 2145 Jones Ave. in North Vancouver. ‘*Parents may be surprised to know that the body changes that happened to us in high school are now happening to our children in elementary school,’’ says Bell. “It’s therefore vital that children know about their bodies and puberty before they reach kindergarten,’’ she explains. Bell suggests that preschoolers should learn the concept of “private parts’? as well as the scientific: names for identifying their anatomy. Once children reach school age it is helpful for parents, who are trying to talk to them, know about the various - stages of protected they ‘will teenagers. The lecture costs $12 and people are advised to pre-register. NSFSS is a United Way member agency dedicated to enriching and strengthening family life. Their family lite education courses are co-sponsored by North Shore Continuing Educa- tion. be as For more information call 988-5285. Special “‘Bring a Friend” Clinic RED CROSS BLOOD DONOR CLINIC CAPILANO MALL North East Fashion Mall 935 Marine Dr., North Van FRIDAY FEBRUARY 271 2:30-8:00 pm north shore. FA-S-T COLLISION REPAIRS CALL THE PROFESSIONALS AT JAYLORMOT iVE 1959 LTD. FREE RENTAL COURTESY CARS B.C.A.A. APPROVED — A.R.A. CERTIFIED .C.B.C. VENDOR FOR ALL MAKES AYLOAMOTIV QUALITY WORKMANSHIP TRUSTWORTHY SERVICE Te NTT VAN. goNsuuzarion . G85.7455 NORTH VAN. Courts FE} /. 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