sai,

: Page 46, May 27, 1979 - Sunday News

siting Hays

QUESTION:
you feel:about a doctor who |

“':*.'y pas made enough money out
a5

of ‘treating | alcoholics, to
own a.home that probably

‘cost. about a half million

doa ? ae mee!
And would it lve any

_”. difference to your feelings ~
«= about him if you learned that
- he: was.a.director of a large
ot brewery? ‘And please don’t
. forget. your love principle
.,” that says, “receive all people

as’ beautiful exactly | where

| & they are!”

oe STEWART: You sure e know
vod how’ to put a i guy. on the spot! _

i have a. feeling, from the.

. way you have worded your
- question, that it is not a
' hypothetical one. I think you.

.. know of such'a doctor, so

_ aN
hard toe get ‘Sblife-- coms.

you: have not ‘just thrown a

os 7 ' tricky question at me. Right?

‘How’ do I feel about such a

"- doctor?. I feel very sad for

him and very angry about

what he is doing. Sad for him

because, if he. has much
sensitivity and concern for
people, he must be. torn
‘apart ‘knowing the sorts of
suffering and hurt they go
‘through = as a result of

~

TION: ' feel like I'm
ea@end, ih have tried so

munication going with one
of my loved ones.

I want the give and take of

' conversation and s

but, either I go about it the

. Wrong way or something,

because I get no response at

all, There is any
communication at all. What
can I do, give up?

STEWART: Don't give up
your desire to communicate.
However, you might be wise
to give up any specific ex-
pectation you have about the
exact way in which you want
communication to be shared
with you.

Don’t expect your loved
one to communicate in a
certain way. You are the one
who is taking the initiative in
conversation, so you are in a

company pushes.

But keep i in mind that his
awareness may be un-
derdeveloped to such a-
degree that he feels. no
qualms about his per-
formance, He may be so.
lacking in understanding _
that he will be able to argue
to himself.that if they didn’t
buy his product: they'd get it.
‘somewhere: else, and so“he —
may as: well cash i inon it. .

_ I don’t see him as “a bad.
boy.” but: as: one. who. is
-undoubtedly doing: the very:
“best he can with the sort. Of.
awareness: ‘he now has: *?

I don't know which doctor
you are talking about and so
I can't tell you, in detail,
‘how I can receive him as:

is. But I can guess at some. cof.

his beauty. me

He probably : ‘has had, for.
many years, an over-
_whelming desire to. achieve.
and succeed .and make a.
name for himself. He
probably started off onsthat -
route because he had been
taught to have a rather poor
opinion of himself and he

position to experiment with
ways that are open to you.
While you do this, give your
attention to HOW you are
communicating and try to
_forget what sort of response
you want. reat

A helpful way to do that is
ta share your. EELINGS

with the other person rather —

than your OPINIONS or

THEORIES, or QUEST-
IONS.
An example: “TI really

enjoyed that back bacon.”
(A sharing of your feeling of
enjoyment.) In that com-
ment, you are sharing your
feclings of pleasure and
there is no need for you to sit
and wait for him to agree
with you or argue with you.

You simply give to him a
good feeling-you have. He is
then free to contribute to the
conversation or not. He feels

How far can they go?

QUESTION: Are parents
not responsible for trying to
imetfll =attltudes, values,
acceptable behaviour etc. to
help the children to grow up
happily? At what point do we’
stop this?

STEWART: It is very dif-
ficult to ‘instill” attitudes,

values and = acceptable
behaviour into another
person.

The trick’ is for you to
have attitudes, values and
behaviour patterns that are

rewarding to you and about —

which you have good
feelings.

Living your life well, with
enthusiasm, enjoyment and
contentment, allows the kids
to soak up what has been
important to you and what
has made valuable con-
tributions to your con-
tentment with your way of

Raha wt. teres

eT A ee wo ie

life. They'll “catch” it from
you—even though they may
try some other ways too.

You can’t “instill” honesty
into a kid who knows you
just lied ‘your way out of
something. You can’t talk
“acceptable behaviour” to a
kid when he knows you are
loaded with booze. You
can’t “instill” something into
a kid by saying, in effect,
“Don’t do as I do, do as |
say!”

You ask, at what point do
we stop “trying to instill
attitudes, values and = ac-
ceptable behaviour?”

Well, if you are willing to
change “instill” to “share our
tested and rewarding at-
titudes, values and
behaviour,” then I'll say,
“Never stop such loving
sharing.”

en . on :

How would drinking up” ‘the. product his was ¢ going’ to ‘do “something

. PLANNING

LP ait Onn ee aa

about it: by proving to. “them”.
and to himself. that: he was a
winner after ' all. That ris~
beautiful of him!’ t

Far . more beautiful than
one sees in scads of. people
-who feel ‘down on’ them-
‘selves (because they. also
have been taught to). and
don't . bother.-to- find...,the
- yésources. within themselves
to. do something: about i it.

This doctor we are talking |

suet

difference, . and. L

“Practicing “receiving
pirdcilencte beautiful,

| ‘ask
Hayden

about: (with - his - immature / ~ .

awareness - of. life values).

probably - has: a very flimsy : i
idea of what it really means
“suc- -

to ““achieve” ‘and to.
_ ceed” and’ ‘So; naturally,: ‘he :.
has chosen ways to satisfy his
hunger- to’succeed; that. 1°

feelare woefully, inadequate.

Tying to: “be somebody”

is beautiful. The ways he has -

chosen ‘to do it, make me.
sick, ‘and. -resentful.

at-his Centre.

The way ‘he has performed |
bothers me so much that it
nearly suckéred me in to
judging him instead of
judging what-he has chosen
for himself. There’s a vast _

no. pressure to join in to a
conversation.

If you use'a question: “Did
you like the bacon?”, or an
opinion: “That’s the way
bacon should be served!”, or
a theory: “Bacon should
always be crisp,” in each
case the fellow with a
tendency to be ‘un-
communicative feels he is
being lured into
versation.

Just give him your feeling
and don’t sit waiting for his
response. What I’m saying is
that all YOU can:do is
communicate with him as
though you were giving him
something.

You want to com-
municate? Then BE _ the
change yop yant to see
happen, (by communicating
attractively) rather than
‘trying to change him into an
eloquent communicator.

Ovulation
meet set

QUESTION: The letters you
placed in your column on
‘NATURAL FAMILY
(about three
weeks ago) generated many
phone calls, and enquiries
about the Billings Ovulation
method (of birth control).

As ai result we have
scheduled an inilormation
eve on the BILLINGS
OVULATION METHOD for
8 p.m. on Tuesday, May 29
in St. Edmund's church hall,
326 Weat Sth Street, North
Vancouver. For further
information call 988-9473 or
936-4472.

We would appreciate it if
you could find space for this

ammouncement in your
colamn,
STEWART: So be it!

Pld TA NTN AEE elt 4 Ral

So, I
receive him as he is, : deeply,

con-—

. ‘Counsellor
Hayden. ‘Stewart. may be
reached at 261-6242 for
appointments for {ndividual,.
. family or group counselling.
-His’ new office in the Plaza
‘International . Hotel. (open.

Tuesdays -only) is for the..

_conventence of North Sho
residents.

exactly where they are,” but
I can still hate their methods
witha will!

1at can | do? Give up?

Another thing you can do
is learn to understand more
clearly what he is really
communicating to you
through his silence. Become
skilied at . sharing. YOUR
feelings with him and at
perceiving what HIS feelings
are, even though he doesn't
voice them.

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And it should cost you less to install
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aince the installer can do it all on just

~ grvine tit |

- make supper

as. welll

QUESTION: I've got to”
admit my husband is right
about me. being sort of
irresponsible. I'm a happy-
go-lucky person’ and when
_ Fm enjoying some people or

having fun. with our. kids, it’s

a true, I forget about. getting
.. supper ready and things ‘like ;
7S that. -

’

But at least I am enjoying

_ Wife. and I don't think my |

husband ever enjoys

cluding me, except at certain

«times, and I'm not really sure
about that.

I know I should be more
‘organized and responsible,
but ‘which is worst, to be

carefree and jolly andhavea

lot_of friends or to be cold

and without ‘feelings and —

never have any fun. at all?
Which is worst?

STEWART: Never
least for now). forget about

what he tells you is wrong
with you.

- Give your attention to
what you like about yourself
and also how you would like
to “grow.” You are happy
with your joHy, fun-loving,
enjoyment of living and I
hope you hang on to that and
let. it be _increasingly
meaningful and rewarding
for you. We need thousands
more like that! |

But you will feel even
better about those beautiful .
qualities in yourself if you

make some. of the changes

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‘ Ratt jcmy
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w

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you would’ like” to see. in
yourself. You can’ ‘keep on ~
being a carefree person and
still get supper ready!

Do yourself a. favour r by
attending ‘to: what you. seem
to feel are. Shortcomings in

‘These things y you w don’ t like
in you are spoiling the total
enjoyment of -your carefree ©
style, so make them ‘work for
you too. If you learn to enjoy
life even more, ‘who- knows, .

‘it may even rub. off on
‘Grumpy! ae ;

And by thes way, why not
see how good you are-at
getting to understand ‘the
feelings in him ‘that make
him rigid and: tight. If you |
become sensitive and loving

t

. enough to know that (rather

than just grouching about his
shortcomings.) ‘I’ think. you’ -
might be able to give him
what he’s hungry. for.” And
wouldn’ t that be fun?

The illness. 7
you'll never see-
coming. Getin .
shape -——and
don't give the
énemy a big
target.

Fitnessis fun. -
Try some. _

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«