4 - Sunday, December 22, 1985 - North Shore News

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| MY OLDEST son is

getting married.

This, of course, pro-
vokes fatherly urges to give
advice, despite my own
advice about never giving
advice.

What does one say to
one’s son about marriage
nowadays?

It would be nice to be
able to spout some folk
wisdom passed down from
my own father. Something
like: ‘‘Always remember,
son, 4 woman's place is in
front of the plow.’? Or:
‘“*Remember, son, don’t
loan your tools, don’t loan
your horses, don’t loan
your wife.” Or: ‘Run a
tight ship. Keep control of
the money.” !

All of which may be
great advice, but you can’t
really phrase it’ that way
any more, can you?
Besides, my parents broke
up when I was about seven.
The old. man wasn’t
around to pass along any
advice, even if he’d had the
gall.

My own. first marrige

:ended in divorce. This

means I could technically
claim to be an expert in
both marriage and divorce,
but would you listen to a

. guru sitting in a chair tell-

“ ing you how to levitate?

Do this, my son. Do
that. Sure, listen to your

father. What does he -

know? _
i have a lawyer friend

.who keeps urging me to

: work out a contract with

my second wife. It will
make things easier, he says,
if the marriage blows up in
our faces,

Sorry, too rational. It

" seems. to me you doom the

whole deal if you start out
with so little faith in the

Bob Hunter

® strictly personal

enterprise that you want to
get it in writing. Whereas, I
thee do take...

I guess the most
fascinating thing that can
safely be said about mar-
tiage is the fact that it
seems to have retained its
role in a society that we
have been told for a long
time is changing
dramatically.

Communal living has not
exactly swept the old tradi-
tion of marriage from the
board. Monogamy still
seems to be the Canadian
Way, despite the occa-
sional outburst from old
studs wanting to be allow-
ed to have a harem. In the
States, there are tens of
thousands of polygamous
family situations, but very
few, if any, up here — at
least, that 1 know of.

Group marriages certain-
ly hasn’t gonecanywhere. |
never did see that as being
very practical. One’ of the
reasons, maybe the main
reason, mafriage was in-
vented in the first place
was to settle the matter of
sexual border skirmishes.
Marriage draws a line
around a person saying:
Hands off! Mine! |

Can I get away with say-
ing marriage is the original
acquired immunity? Prob-
ably not. ,

A further note: the vast

majority of marriages are _

still between people of op-
posite sexes. This is still
apparently necessary if one
has any intention of pro-
creating.

(Although, yes, [ am
perfectly aware that by the
time this gets into print
some doctor in Australia
might have perfected a way
to make a man pregnant,
and the maternity clothes
designers will just go

aoe

berserk.)

It would bé nice: to be
able to say something
upbeat about the economy
— give the kid a bit of on-
the-spot advice like: ‘“‘Buy
plastic.”’ But what can you
suggest these days? Learn
Japanese. Move to the
States. Take up tomato
farming. I dunno, son.

Have you thought of |

emigrating to Mars?

A chap I know who'd
been married a couple of
times quipped that a first
wife was like ‘training
wheels.” Of course this is
outrageous, sexist and un-
fair to the 50 per cent of
the population whose mar-
riages last. And, naturally,
it can. be turned around
and applied to first hus-
bands. (Still, 1 guffawed.)

And some of the men
(nobody I know, mind
you) mutter darkly:
“Women! Can’t live with
fem, can't live without
i’em.”’ And every once in a
rare while, you'll actually
hear a woman whisper
under her breath: -‘‘Men!’’
Just that: “‘Men!’? Ap-
parently, in female code
language, that says it all.

The fact is, son, at least
a teeny smidgeon of hell is
statistically bound, sooner
or later, to creep into the
heavenly bliss of your mar-
riage. Call it the Dark Side
of the Force.

_My advice, when those.
inevitable little tensions
enter the relationship, is to
blame everything on her if
you can get away with it. If
that doesn’t work, blame
her parents.

Failing. everything,
blame your mother.

Just remember .one
thing, son: never blame
me. Hey, God bless!

MSE Use lights

with care

SPOT OR floodlight bulbs
can be used to achieve
special effect and contrasts
in color both inside and out-
side your home.

Foodlights are manufac-
tured for indoor and out-
door use.

To be safe, make sure you
purchase the right type of
floodlight.

Never use floodlights
manufactured for indoor
use outside.

As a safety precaution,

read the operating instruc-
tions that come with the
floodlights before you install
it.

JOHN

Holiday Season

, Avery ii

LOCKWOOD .

shes thr
the ©

mal ,

&k
pry

appy New Year

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