e

~

ClO - Sunday News, December 6, 1981

QUESTION: I have been
reading your column fairly
steadily now for over five
years and I've noticed two
recurring themes in the
answers you give your
questioners. Over and over
you stress LOVE and
GROWING. Those are two
very common words and
so, of course, they must
mean something different to
everyone .who uses. them.
What do YOU mean by
them? I have been exploring

what ‘they mean to me, and.

have benefitted by my
search, but I believe.it would
be very. helpful, for me
anyway, if ‘you would be
willing to comment from
your own veciewpoint. I

“know you: don’t like giving

definitions and being tied to
them, but:that is not what I
want. I just want your ideas
about LOVE and

GROWING.

Decisions, deci

QUESTION: 1 am a middle-
aged housewife living with
my husband and our
youngest son. I've had this
problem for most of my life,
but lately it seems to be
getting worse and I wonder if
you can help me with it. You
see I have an unbelievable
amount of trouble in making
up my mind about things. |
am almost helpless when I
am in a position where I
have to decide something. I
want other people to do all
the deciding. I think I would
rather go out to eat at a
place | hate than answer
directly if I am asked where I

would like to go!
As I see it, there are two
quite different § kinds of

decisions 1 have trouble
with. First the kind that
seems very simple to other
people, like what to wear,
what to eat or even which
chalr will I sit in. Then
there's the kind of decision
that Is related to a whole lot
of pros and cons about things
like moving to another
house, or which political

@,

STEWART: The thing I try
to avoid is being precise and
even “scientific” or logical
about matters that are not
precise or scientific or
logical. If you will allow me
only to hint in my answers
somewhat vaguely, rather
than putting forward a “pro-
nouncement of truth” (as
being a part of the gospel
according to Hayden) then I
am willing to’share with you
on these two vital subjects. I
avoid the precise, logical

approach for*twin reasons." *
One is that I think it is im.

possible for mé; and the
other is that I don’t want my
readers to “accept” what I
say too easily and thus get
cheated out of making
discoveries for themselves.
Well, here goes. How

would it be if [share a bit

with you about GROWING
today, and in the-next issue
Ill put a focus on LOVE.

ask hayden stewart

"ae

he

party to support, or whether
we should enroll in night-
school or play badminton
etc., etc. I hem and haw
about everything. I think it is
getting a lot worse and I wish
I could decide (there I go
again!) what I should do
about it. It took me weeks to
decide to write this letter.

STEWART: But you
WROTE it! Yours is an
energy-draining experience
and I am so glad you want to
do something about it. Let
me give you a_ general
suggestion, then two specific
ones for you to start prac-
tising. The general one is
this. When a person is as
indecisive as you seem to be
there is usually a need to get
counselling on how to begin
to feel better about yourself
and more secure in yourself.
Do that.

Meanwhile, start prac-
tising paying attention to
what you WANT rather than
what you SHOULD do or
what is expected of you.
How do you want it to go?

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What do J mean by
GROWING? I see it as an

. unfolding. It is like a rose

bud giving way to its total
roseness. With human
beings it may well be a sort
of process in which we leave
behind aspects of our lives
that are no longer con-
tributory and move into new
aspects that are con-

tributory. For. £xample, .
“GROWING is moving’ ‘away .

For example, GROWING is
moving | away from to
‘timerity” and: scariness'-and
fear and.moving toward self-
assurance and confidence
and security.

It is moving away from
addictions and moving
toward preferences. It is
moving away from feeling

compelled (by self or others).

and toward seeing and
experiencing that choice is
the life process - not

-

Freelance Counsellor . Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

What development do you
want to spring out of your
decision?

And next, start getting
used to’ thinking about what
decision will make the surest
contribution to the kind of
person you are becoming.
That’s another way of saying
that it is useful to have a few
“END RESULTS” in mind
that you want to bring about
in your life. They should be
very important to you. End
results that have to do with
WHO and WHAT you want
to become. Then, in making
any decision, see to it that it
contributes to the end results
you want. These end-results
are much more than goals;
they are the LIFE you want.
Respect them and make
decisions to contribute to
them.

1360 Marine Dr..,
922-4220

compulsion.
“It is moving away from
separatedness into com-
fortable and challenging and
rewarding relationships;
from self-imposed . isolation
to warming give-and-take.
GROWING includes the
process of moving from

useless, paralyzing and
habitual inhibitions into
freedom to choose.

It ‘is. moving from self-
absorption and self-
preoccupation into love.

it is‘reading a column like.
this and saying to one’s self,

“Well, that’s HIS idea. Now!

will explore my own, ” rather
than saying, “He said it, I: ~
guess I'd better swallow it.”

In the next issue, I'll share _
a bit about LOVE and thus‘
give a response to the second
request in your letter.

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