THE MOMENT I knew I was going to have to go in- to hospital for an opera- tion, the boy.scout in me took charge, Adi that early-Lord Baden Powell survival training was going “to come in handy. OK) the task here, the scout said firmly to the rest of me, is to come out the other end of this. - “alive. We'are going into an over- crowded meat-cutting factory staffed by a lot of stressed- out peopte, ! We will be naked, ‘alone and unconscious, and our plight won’t seem like much of a‘deal to any- body but us. There will, be lots of rules, We won't know: any of the people who will have taken con- trol of our fate. It will be terrify- ing and humiliating and undoub- jlably disgusting. > J was once the leader of the - ,, Coyote Patrol, 4th Winnipeg. _- &@ Surely, I: thought, there “must be some masochist. out there.whom I ~ could: hire to take 7 my place. ” . _: Troop, you sec. : I was the icader twice, actually, " since I'got demoted for throwing: a bean bag at the scout’ ‘Taster, * .. and had to work my way back, up fore in previous outbursts‘of ©" , bragging about. my military rez If 50; bear with me, P ve taken a hit. [ have whimpered. Ihave whined: I have moaned and =: ~ gasped and cried out. : have learned a very valuable lesson: ‘don't be operated on if. “you can avoid it... . vet Surely, J thought, there must be some masochist out there whom | ‘could. hire to take my place.) >, ‘This can’t actually be happening me. What about my incredible “good. luck, my, excellent karma,” °, “my fabulous meeboon (Thai word | STRICTLY PERSONAL for favor‘i ‘in the eyes of the Bud- dha)? It all seemed to have petered’ out. The specialist looked at the X- rays and said: ‘*Look at the size of that. Bigger than an.almond.”" It seemed to me he was almost admiring this little miracle of nature: a stone somehow created out of flesh, lodged ina kidney. “*The Chinese kee, these as good luck charms, ‘? the doctor ° mused. rays I smiled thinly. The first option is to try ultra- sound, he explained, a technique whereby the stone is smashed to pieces by a shock wave. - A'thin steel tube is inserted into - the patient through the most tender of orifices, and the jagged stone pieces are scraped away ~ from here'and there in the body, where they have'scattered like shrapnel, ’ A certain number of fragments © will still have to be “passed,” he added somberly. ‘*Passed?”’ I did nat like the sound of this word. ; “It’s described as the worst pain a male can feel,”’ the doctor explained cheerfully. “Tes the closest aman can come to know- © “ing how painful childbirth really is “Options?” ‘*Well,” the doctor drawled, . “there’s ‘always the old- fashioned thing. You know. Surgery. “i'l leave a massive scar and __knock you out of commission for “four to six weeks, People won’ t be able to look at you on a beach! without sagging for the rest of oa your life.” ‘school, K-12, which aims to provide the best possible * educational opportunities for girls. me YORK HOUSE has: A challenging “academic programme -A wide variety of extra curricular activities. . “Dedicated teachers © on Small classes” “Testing ‘and | interviews. Januar y and April YORK douse cenoo West King Edward oie ‘ancowver,: Tels,736 855 1 ‘B.C, V6) 2V6 Fax: 736- 6530 ' a be “held betwéen “The waiting list for kindergarton and Grade. 1 is closed © : {Junior School ‘application deadline - : january 22nd, 1993: "Te seen childbirth: Speaking of: . passing... : pet “The knife,’ begged. So 1 got a little bag ready, complete with my own stash of vitamin C, Pepto-Bismal, Tylenol, ‘ tranquillizers, aspirins, lozenges and Gravol. : Always bring your own medical emergency kit, in case they forget about you, I reasoned. That’s not quite from the scouting manual, but the general” ‘idea is to be prepared, right? iclamped not one bul two penicillin allergy chains on, just to make sure in'case they mixed the ' bodies up.. And as I looked at myself in the mirror at home before we departed for the hospital, seeing myself 2s a whole man for the last time, | made.a solemn vow to inaintain my dignity, no matter what. The next day, | remember an older nurse saying: '‘Forget your dignity here. You ain’! got none.” This was true. It turns out that even in the age of intravenously administered anesthetic and mor- phine, a certain amount of old- fashioned pain is an inevitable side-effect of surgery. Too bad. But there you have it. The unvar- nished truth from the front lines. What was a surprise to mie- wasn't that being operated on! hurts, but just how smoothly -_ everything went. it.was' either that _ ! had trace amounts of meeboon left; or — wonder of wonders! — the system worked. | Could that be it? The medical system working.’ What a thought! - But there | was, in hospital within days of being diagnosed, in the operating room within hours of being admitted, bandaged and ' stapled back together, parked ina bed by the middle of the night, .’ hooked up to everything in sight,’ with a little color TV mounted i in. front of my face. In the five days I spent in hos- pital, nothing went wrong. } didn’t need to use my own stash. . The nurses arrived with the pain-killers on time, The food ‘was not bad/at all. Only once was ' l awakened to be given my sleep- ing pill. . ° 3: And in the end, when I signed - out, all | owed was six bucks for * phone calls... Gotta love i it, O Canada! 24" Vanity Base Factory Direct. : Doubie Door No Middlemen. Warehouse Operation. True Quality. Affordable Cabinets. 54" x 24” Utilixy | Cabinet | “YORK HOUSE sc CHOOL : FOUNDERS SCHOLARSHIP. wild ‘An opportunity for a student entering Grade 8 In celebrating the school's sixtieth: year, the “York House School Foundation is pleased, to offer. a ‘scholarship, * established in honour of the School's Founders. ‘ The succesefil candidate will | - enter Grade Bin September, 1993 - show evidence of scholarship and character. *. . - be unable to attend York House without this scholarship f Preference will be given to the daughter of an alumna, YORK. HOUSE “SCHOOL is a college preparatory ‘day: school, K -'12, which provides the best, possible educ tional ; opportunities for girls. Applications for this Echolarship should be 2 made by Friday, ; : February /12th, 1993. Testing will’ be held on Friday, February. 19th, 1993. by. contacting:. “Mrs Susan Soy « aes Director of Admisssions “YORK HOUSE SCHOOL © : - 1500 West King Edward Avenue + Vancouver, BC, .V6d.2V6.0° 0 Tel: 136- 6551 Fax: 736 6530: