Bob Hunter

® strictly personal *

pope tN,

AFTER MANY seasons of watching people use language
on each other, | have adopted the only sensible fatherly

communications policy with

I'm making absolutely no ef-
fort to teach her to speak
English. Or French, Or
anything else.

She already talks wonderfully
and with great animation,
although not in any know extant
language.

Her name is Emily. She's two
years old, and I know | shouldn't
exploit my baby like this by writ-
ing about her, but f can’t help it.

{'ve never really stuck with any
hobbies in adult life because i've
had kids for slightly more than
half my existence, and after
you've had kids, you don't really
need a hobby.

Yes, you could say my hobby
is having kids. I’ve got four. 1
heep swearing to quit.

Four kids isn’t a lot. My
mother had eight brothers and
sisters and HER mother had 15,
or something like that. The sur-
vival rate wasn’t the same as it is
today, of course.

Here in the industrialized
West, we live in the era of small
families. A guy like me, with
four kids, has something like two
and a half more kids than the
average modern Canadian male.

I ran into a phrase recently

my youngest child.

that spoke to the small-family
condition. It was the
“precious-baby syndrome."*
That is, if you have 20 kids you
treat them all equally, and
therefore each of them gets one-
twentieth of your motherly or fa-
therly affection,

Have just two and they each
get half.

From the kid's point of view,
what's the percentige? Well, it
changes from five to 50. Which
is: wow!

Kids are fairly famous for be-
ing the original Me Generation
and sibling rivalry is a fact of life
for the most part.

The fewer the kids, goes one
theory, the more happy and sane
and un-hung up they'll be as
adults, on the simple grounds
that they got more than their fair
share of attention.

The other theory holds that
they'll grow up to be lonely,
totally self-absorbed sociopaths.

I can’t, of course, extrapolate
any serious trend-lines on the
basis of my own meager experi-
ence. Ivly kids seem to me to be
uniqueiy sane and handsome and
beautiful and intelligent, but,
like, I'm the progenitor, right?

9
areyer yey BUVye aN VL.

So what has this to do with be-
ine 40 irresponsible as to not be
pushing my baby Emily to speak
Queen's English, or at feast the
Canuck version, el?

On the demographic curve
side. instinct seems fo be saying
small is beautiful, after all, as the
Hippies knew all lone.

On the macroeconomic side,
given inflation, each kid is a big-
ger financial burden than the
Jast. by a nearly quantum factor.

The baby — if vou keep the
fiscal projectians ino mind -- is
the most expensive item in’ the
house. And cach of them is far
more costly to enjoy than ali the
mortgages put together, unless
you are into something really
lucrative.

Since no one seems to be able
to tell me precisely what will be
happening with the world's
economy the day after tamorrow,
let alone in @ year from now or
— itis to laugh! — 3G years from
now, who can really tell me what
the cost of raising Emily will be?

A million dollars? Easily, {'m
sure. But given enough
apocalypse, she might cost me
$20 trillion Canadian pesos.

My cheapest kid, I know for
sure from an actuarial point of
view, was the first, who is now
22. I didn't always appreciate it
at the time, but he was a bargain.

The most dear, on the books,
turns out to be the littlest dear.

Anyway, why should | teach
her to talk? Sooner — unfortu-
nately, rather than later — she's
going to talk anyway. And talk.
And talk. And talk,

All my other kids talk as much
as me. It’s awful. When we get
together, | barely get a word in
edgewise, as itis. And of course
my Mother out-talks even them.

Do | want the baby getting her
two-bits in right away?

To do something different...

At your convenience, come aboard the MTS. Pegasus
and experience the delights offered by a truly world

Class cruise ship...

Enjoy continental dining in the Dionysos Room

¢ See a scintillating Musical/Comedy Review in the
Argonaut Cabaret Lounge

° Dance to the wee hours in our on-board disco

e Relax with quiet piano entertainment plus a great
evening view in the Horizon Lounge

e “Opa!” Celebrate with traditional Greek food &
entertainment every Wednesday night

Shop for beautiful Oriental rugs & exotic leathers in
the ship-board Turkish Bazoar

“Kabos lnthate”

—~ Welcome Aboard!

EPTUNE
CRUISES

For reservations or
further information

521-0776

NG

210 Front Street,

New Westminster
Planty of free parking
right at dockside

No coveriNo minimum

CALENDAR
OF SPECIALS

WIONDAYS

¢ 6 oz. Steak Sandwich with Fries

® 8 oz. Teriyaki with Fries

TUESDAYS

* Postcard Night— Tug sends back a
special recipe every week on a postcard
e Bring us your postcard from around the

world & your meal is ¥/2 price*!
WEDNESDAYS

* Seafood Night—a specially chosen
appetizer & entree every week.

THURSDAYS

¢ Nacho Night

¢ Chicken & Rib Night—a Chicken &

Rib Combo with Fries

$5

® Pasta—a specially chosen
pasta dish for every week

SUNDAYS

e 2 for i Burgers*

*1—Maximum of 1 postcard
per couple. % price only
applies to special item.

*2—Nacho Night applies on-
ly to cheese nachos. Beef &
Gaucamole are extra.

* 3—2 for 1 Burgers a second
burger of equal or lesser
value will be free.

* Tax (where applicable) not
included in discount.

¢ No other coupons valid
with discounted items.

¢ You must have fun.

Tug’s is an adult cafe pub.
You must be iineteen or older,
Menu Available 12:00-9:00 p.m.

Located in the N.W. corner on the 3rd floor
of the Lonsdale Quay Market.
Monday-Saturday 12:00pm - 1.O00am
Sundays 12:00pm - 1.00pm