Respond correctly to physical violence DEAR MISS MANNERS -— I got beaten up by a man I had dated for a ycar. I was hurt, shocked and angered. I pressed charges and had him arrested, and won the court trial. Even if I had fost, I feel that I was justified in pressing charges. No one has the right to beat, cr ever Sit, another person. it is wrong. I felt that this violated me, and his violence was deviant. If I didn’t press charges, then perhaps another woman would be sub- jected to his outrage in the future. My actions were surprisingly criticized by some people — even close friends. I was shocked by their ‘‘Why bother?” attitude — why put my persoual life on trial, why ‘‘hang the man’’ when he only beat me up once (as if it takes a couple of beatings or murder be- fore one brings a man to trial ror domestic violence)? Others commented that my pressing charges would impact on kis career (as if ¥ should care) and my future life (as if being bruised and bleeding didn’t Gave impact eneugh on my outlook on life and relationships). Some people asked me if he had seen drinking when he beat me, as if stcohol would be a logical excuse for his actions. Is it proper and polite and ladylike for women to keep their mouths shut wien they ere beeien up? Sbould I have just walked away and done rothing? Should have made it seem, by not pressing charges, as if his actions were cor- tect and proper? 2 nc A RN You can send 60,000 Christmas Greetings for as litile as fifteen dollars* GENTLE READER — By ask- ing whether a lady should endure criminal violence or sscial criti- cism, you have offered Miss Man- miss manners Judith Martin ners a false choice. She would never suggest that ladies should ‘‘keep their mouths shut” rather than bring their persecutors to justice. But neither does she condone an open-mouth- ed policy in which such personal matters are opened to general discussion (and therefore to the sort of unthinking and hurtful crit- icisn: you have received}. Miss Manners presumes that you did not go around asking your friends whether they approved of your decision. One should not in- vite comment on such matters — exactly because one might get it. Nevertheless, court action is a matter of public record, and those comments come uninvited. What used to restrain people from jab- bering about others’ misfortunes was tact. This has now been replaced by vague ideas about the ‘“shealthiness’’ of making people talk about their troubles and the ‘thelpfulness’’ of offering un- solicited advice. The result is a tactlessness so ex- treme that it even made you ques- tion whether securing justice is worth it at that price. Miss Manners urgés you not to give up your fighting spirit. You must simply learn to say firmly, ‘*l really don’t care to discuss it,’’ at the very first indication that some- one wants to comment on your ac- tion — before you hiave to listen 20 such outrageous remarks as you have repeated here. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My niece seems to have the strange no- tion that it is improper to mention money (unless she is asking for See Always Pag? 36 OG SON OF SPIRIT 35 - Sunday, December 10, 1989 - North Shore News The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou destrest Me, and negige: it not that | may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own Knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbour, Ponder this tn thy heart: how ic behoveth thee to be. Verily iustice is My gift Co thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set st then before thine eyes. 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