26 - Wednesday, October 21, 1987 - North Shore News Lifestyles. Hold off sex until after exar Q. MY GIRLFRIEND and I attend the same college and have been steadies for three terms. Three months ago we had sex for the first time ever for both of us. We took it easy but it hurt her a good deal and for that reason we have not tried again. I don't want to hurt her but I worry that this avoidance will turn into a freezeout and I do want to keep her. She is saying now that we'll try again after exams. Does that sound real to you? I kind of doubt it. In any case, what should we do? A. Well, 1 say first things firs: and don’t try anything until after exams. Until exams are over things will.be tense enough. Don’t add this anxiety to it, and don’t try in- tercourse again until you can both put your mings to it entirely. Her reason for not trying again now sounds sincere to me, and also sensible. If her discomfort persists she should see a gynecologist. Don’t let me hear that she is too shy or doesn’t want to do that until she is married! Old enough to have sex is old enough to go to a gynecologist. ‘Hf it turns out that she has no physical reason to cause her pain, if she is just nervous, then you two should hug and kiss and wait. Don’t let impatience spoil a good . relationship. Q. Pretty much at my insistence we have been practising safe sex — only doing things that can’t possibly lead to pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. This is making my girlfriend impatient. I know that may sound conceited, since it is usually the guy who wants.to rush things, but she really is the pressuring one this time. One thing she harps on is that if we go on too tong doing what she says Is really only foreplay, we will be harming cur future sexual development. Is there anything to this? A. Absolutely not. If you love each other and you engage only in activities that provide no worries © about either pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, that should be beneficial. Until the time comes when you get married and want to have a child, the idea that your sex life has to include intercourse — vaginal penetration — is a mistake. You can go on just doing ask dr. ruth Ruth Westheimer foreplay or heavy petting until you are both company presidents, and no psychological harm will be done. You can both walk with a bounce because you know you are taking no chances with your plans for a wonderful life. The only time there might be some problem would be when one partner fixates on penetration, on full sexual intercourse. . Frustration can do harm. But frustration can be avoided by understanding that no harm comes of staying with those safe prac- tices. Q. My fiusband and I have a friend who is cultured and a good friend, entertaining and loyal, but I do not want him to be close to our 18-year-old son. He is gay, which has never troubled us, but he has a long his- tory of involvements with youug men. He might not want to harm us but he might not be able to con- trol his impulses. My husband thinks I am silly, but nevertheless I don’t like him taking our son to shows, dinners, teaching him about the world, etc. 1 would rather our son find his own way among these things than benefit from this man’s expertise. 1 have no resson to suspect _ anything, out still this worries me. A. I would say that the 18- year-old knows where he stands and he is going to go out on his own to college and will have to deal with such things by himself. By now he is aware of his own sexual preference, and he seems comfortable with this person — by which I do not mean that he is anything but at ease with a famil- iar person who is interested in him. 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