40 - Sunday, March 1, 1987 - North Shore News Lifestyles _ Cut out the office song and dance DEAR MISS MANNERS — Recenily a colleague at my of- fice decided to organize a song and dance routine for an of- fice party. She made it clear that she expected everyone in our group to participate. Group spirit depended on it, she cried. After three weeks of her badger- ing, 1 politely but firmly said that there was really nothing i would like to do less. Her insistence had turned to mild harassment by then. Not put off by my pleas to be left in peace, this person — who is normally a friendly sort — pro- ceeded to buy a straw boater and a cane for me to use in the talent show. We share an office, so ignoring the hat and cane she left on my chair is not easy. Should I pay for the gear? | miss manners 2 by Judith Martin nnn eee She has now become sullen. I would not be caught dead singing and dancing in a chorus line at an office beer bust. I have been a good sport by remaining polite in the face of obstinate rudeness, but this sort of thing has come up in smalier ways before. It is likely to happen again. Help! GENTLE READER — This sort if nonsense is what comes of the popular trend, which Miss Man- ners abhors, of mixing business and social life until nobody knows which is which. . Office birthday parties, showers, retreats and other such activities transplanted from personal life rob the participan’s of their valuabl- off-duty time and money, and of the right to choose their own com- panions, not to mention the right to meke fools of themselves without prejudicing their careers. Therefore, Miss Manners doesn’t - telieve in office parties at all, let wone such forced participation as you describe. If you had wanted to ‘ go to summer camp, presumably you would have done so. By all means, resist this pressure. If necessary, tell the boss that you are quite serious about your work, and would he or she please make your excuses to the other employees for not partying on the job. DEAR MISS MANNERS --- We offered to host a birthday dinner party for a very good friend who is socially prominent in our city. We chose the restaurant, menu, musi- cians and flowers, requesting a guest list of 50 people from the honoree. Although we did not know all the people on the list, there was one couple included whom we both loathe, for reasons I won't go into now. Since the guest of honor would not know who had accepted ouc invitation until the evening of the event, I chose not to invite said couple. My wife disagreed, but I] won out by stating that it was, after all, our party and that we should in- clude only the people we chose. Our guest of honor never said anything to us, but we beard later she was miffed that we had ig- nored Mr. and Mrs. Se-and-So. What should we have done, and what should we do now? GENTLE READER — What you should do now is apologize, to the extent of groveling, for any serious embarrassment — perhaps even a breach of friendship — you may have caused. Yes, you had the right to choose the guests — but you abdicated that right, turning it over to the guest of honor. It is perfectly pro- per to do that, and you could even have negotizted over the list by saying, ‘‘We're really mot on friendly terms with the So-and- Sos, so do you mind if we don’t ask them?”’ But to allow your friend to believe that they were invited left her open to the embarrassment of mentioning the party to them or of including all of their circle except them. Miss Manners advises confes- sion, accompanied by an offer to write those loathed people, saying that their names were ‘‘mistak- enly”’ (never mind that the mistake was yours, based on enmity) left off the list. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My in-laws call once a week at 11 p.m. and talk to my husband for at least 45 minutes. My feeling is that 11 is entirely too late to be calling anyone’s house, except in an emergency. My husband has mentioned to them that we would like to get to sleep earlier, but they persist in calling late. We love hearing from them, but would rather not receive calls after nine. What can we say to get the point across without hurting their feelings? GENTLE READER — It’s not what, but when and how. Call them at eight and after a reason- able conversation, say: ‘‘Well, we were just calling to say goodnight. Goodnight.”’ DEAR MISS MANNERS — Is it just as proper for the gentleman to open and close the car door for the woman, assisting her in and out of the car, when she is the driver? GENTLE READER — Certainly. A lady’s gender does not change when she takes the driver’s seat. DEAR MISS MANNERS — Do interjections such as ‘‘For exam- ple...?"” ‘‘Be Specific,’ ‘“What do you mean by that?” and “You're expressing yourself badly’ have a place in polite conversation? These chailenges insinuate themselves into ail kinds of otherise friendly talk and have the effect of interrupting the flow of conversation. Are they defensidle? GENTLE READER — Interjec- tions do have a place in conversa- tion, chiefly to demonstrate that the listener is awake. But although critical remarks serve that purpose, they are rude. Delivery becomes very important in making the distinction. Miss Manners promises you that she could say each of the first three remarks in such a way as to flatter and encourage the speaker with her interest. CAPILANO CLEANERS: 1 HOUR SERVICE | BREAKTHROUGH Watch this well-worn phrase literally spring to life the next time you stop by at Capilano Cleaners in Capilano Mall. 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